Skype visit.

Dear Bennett,
I had a Skype visit with you and your family on December 20th. I sent you gifts!
I only have one picture though of you - it's of you playing with a puzzle I've sent. Since we did Skype instead of Facetime I was not able to snap any pictures of our visit :( But I really wish I could have.
One of the first things you said to me during our visit together was ask me, "Can I come to your house?" It melted my heart. I wish so bad that you could come to my house and meet your brother and your sister who love you SO much, along with myself. I wish you could play together and form friendships with one another more than anything else. Your parents informed you that I live too far away and that's why we have to do visits on the computer or on the phone. You didn't seem to like that answer and you went in the other room for a short while. But then when you came back in you spoke far wiser than your years by simply stating, "I've changed my mind." About staying in the other room and not coming back in to talk with us. It was the sweetest thing. You are so intelligent and bright Bennett, I'm so proud of you!

I made you a blanket, I sent a couple puzzles, I sent a small Elmo lego set, and a book called, "Guess how much I miss you?" I contemplated sending the book in fear that it could somehow upset your parents but they seemed to be okay with it... your mom said that she would add it to the books that she reads with you at night. I know that you won't understand at this age but I hope that one day you may remember the book. We have the same one with us and we (your siblings and I) read it together at night too because it reminds us of you. We will continue reading it together and I will always be open and receptive to talking to your siblings about you.
Lailah tells me all the time about how she misses you and wishes she could know you. She was only 3 (your age now!) when you were born but she remembers my pregnancy with you and she remembers I went to the hospital to have you. We always think of you Bennett and if I could rewind time I would have figured out any possible way to have kept you with our family. I would be homeless in a shelter with you and Lailah if that is what it would have taken. If only I knew then all of which I know now. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say other than, I'm sorry. I just can wish that one day you'll try to understand.

To get back on track here...
You were playing with the Elmo legos as soon as you seen it lol you opened it and just started playing with it. I was so happy to see that you loved it. Once our visit was over your mom sent me a picture of you doing one of the puzzles I had sent and I was happy to see that you also enjoyed them too. :) (see picture above! :) )
I've learned that you can do simple math and count well! I've also learned that you love to watch domino competition videos and marble runs on YouTube. For half of our visit you sat watching marble runs and at one point you looked up to tell us, "You all talk too much!" HAHAHA. That's probably true. :P
Seeing you this year was the best gift I could have asked for. You've grown so much in just the past year alone. Last year you were barely talking and now you're counting and doing simple math and forming thoughts like a pro! It is insane.
I'm hoping for the day that I can wrap my arms around you in a hug once again and tell you that I've never let you go from my heart or soul. How you have always been apart of me and I've been here, watching you from afar to the best of my ability. I hope you'll see how hard I try to be a part of your life in the ways that I can and am allowed.

I also want to say that I've gotten a few updates on you and your family the past couple months. Your mom has found out shes expecting twins! Your brothers. It was a huge shock to me but I'm happy for her and your family. I hope that you form close bonds to your brothers and that you have a lot of fun growing up with them. One day hopefully you'll be able to meet all your siblings and have relationships with them all. <3

I love you Bennett - that has never stopped and I don't believe it ever could.
Until the future.... my little puzzle piece.

August update

Dear Bennett,
Here I am, writing to you again. I've been in a weird place recently. I don't know what it is. I know I sort of touched upon this last post too. I don't really know how to feel or what to think. All I know is what I do feel and what I do think. I feel so many emotions.
I feel sad that you aren't here with your sister and brother and I. I feel sad that I'm missing out on this incredible little boy you are becoming. Missing out on your personality, your likes and dislikes, and your favorite activities. But I feel happy that you seem happy and that you have an amazing family around you that loves you and cares about you as I would. I feel nervous because I don't know how you really are, I can't be there for you, I can't pick you up and make you feel better. Although, I know you get this from your parents - or at least I hope and believe you do.
I honestly wanted what was best for you Bennett. And at the time, I wasn't that. I wasn't even that for your sister. I had no means to care for either of you. You deserved more, you deserved better, and frankly so did your sister. What it really came down to though was your protection. I felt Lailah was safe and I felt you wouldn't be. I just wanted to keep you safe.
I've always loved you. I think about you all the time. I'm going to keep posting about it so that you know how much I DO love you and how often I DO think about you.
I care so much about you. Everyday I wonder how you are, what you're doing, are you laughing right now? Are you having a fun day? Have you learned something new today? I wonder about you all the time and I hope that you're doing just perfect. I honestly don't know though, I don't know how you're doing. But I'm trying to hope for the best. I hope one day we can have a relationship and we can get to know each other and understand this whole situation better together.
I texted your mom last night, she sent me some pictures this morning. You look so much like your sister, I find it insane ! You can definitely tell that you and Lailah are siblings. <3

Daydreams

Dear Bennett,
This has been a bit of a difficult month on me when it comes to thinking of you. I've been feeling sad and all that comes with you not being here with me. I actually had a nightmare last week about our adoption and in my dream I was expecting. Right now I'm nowhere even near to being able to care for another child at all. I have your brother and sister here and I struggle to provide for them and I wish everyday that I could give them so much more. But the one thing I know I have enough of is love. I have so much love for you and both your siblings. I'm sorry that you're not here for me to show you how much I love you and think about you.
In this dream I ended up giving birth and losing another baby to adoption and I remember crying nearly the whole dream, barely getting myself to survive. I could never go through what I did with you again. I really hope that you're in an amazing home with amazing loving and kind parents. I hope that one day you won't hate me for feeling like I had to leave you with them. I hope that one day you'll be able to read all these blog posts and understand me just a little bit better. And I hope you will forgive me. And I hope you will know that there hasn't been a single day that goes by where I don't think of you and love you so much.
Sometimes I daydream about sitting on the floor with you and playing some blocks or with some cars. I dream about playing with little toy dinosaurs and rawring at each other. I daydream about all these things I am missing out on doing with you. It's hard on me, watching your brother grow, learn, and experience new things. It's hard because I missed all of these things with you. I feel angry at myself - mad that I should have tried harder to do anything I could have to kept you here with me. But every time I feel that way I try to figure out what I possibly could have done in order to have kept you back at that time. I come up empty. I feel like there is nothing I could have done. Especially since I was also trying to protect you.
I've gotten 3 pictures of you this month. One of just you, one with your mom, and one with someone I don't know. <3
<3 I love you and I miss you Bennett - forever

You are Loved more than you know

Dear Bennett,
I miss you and I feel so alone in that. I feel so alone in my pain due to not having you with me. And nobody understands. I wanted what was best for you and I felt that I couldn't be that for you. I feel sorry and ashamed for calling the agency and not trying harder to find ways to keep you with me. I want to believe that you will grow up to be a very happy man in a very happy family. I want you to know how much I love you though and how much I think about you.
I often struggle with the "choice" I had to make, leaving you behind at that hospital. I wish you knew how difficult that was and still is for me. Only so maybe it would show you how much I love you and how badly I wish you could be here with me, that you were always wanted by me. And also by your big sister, Lailah.
I worry that you'll hate me, that you will feel unwanted by me and therefore never want to meet me. I fear that I will never get to embrace you in my arms ever again because you will be happy in your family and feel no need to meet me. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way - maybe these feelings I have shouldn't be here, but they are. I don't know how to get rid of them or how to stop the thoughts and wishes that fly through my head daily. I wish I didn't feel like I'm making this all about me and my pain in losing you when all I really wanted was to protect you. And as far as I know you are being that. You are being protected, loved, cherished, cared for, and given so much more than I could have given you at that time. Although, I believe deep in my heart that nobody could love you in the way I love you.
You lived within me once upon a time. I felt every little kick, squirm, and hiccup. I heard every heartbeat and watched you so intently on each ultrasound with happiness in my face. I was devastated when I felt I couldn't keep you. I let myself down and ultimately, I let you down. I'm sorry. I hope one day you will understand and forgive me.

You are loved so much Bennett, so much more than you know.
<3

Are you like me at all?

I recently got new pictures of you but only 2 of them were just you. The rest are with friends and family. I won't post the others on here because well, I don't even know who they are....

Slide and sandbox. Looks like you're having fun. :)






I have this pinky finger thing called Camptodactyly. It's when your pinki finger or multiple fingers are bent and they are difficult to straighten on their own or they don't. I have it in both pinkies and I can't straighten them. You sister Lailah has it on one hand. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's passed down - it's a gene. So, I've been curious as to if you also have it. But I haven't received any photos yet that may suggest that you do. So, I'll continue wondering if I passed this dominant gene to you as well.

I've found this recently. This is what I would have named you had I been able to keep you. When I seen it I instantly saved it because it reminded me of you. <3

Missing you

Dear Bennett,
I've been missing you a lot often and thinking about you all the time. I have also been talking about you and the situation I was in at the time everything happened to others - which I had stopped doing for a long while.
I don't really know the reason. It could possibly be because now I have your little brother and I am experiencing everything I didn't get to experience with you and that fills me with pain, regret, sadness, and anger. I wanted you and I'm angry and sad that I felt I couldn't keep you and raise you with our family. I honestly wanted what was best for you and I felt that I definitely wasn't that.
I feel very sad when I think about you because you're not here with me. I know that the whole thing isn't about me, it's about you. But atm I don't know how or what you will feel when you're older. I don't know if you'll forgive me and try to understand me or if you'll be angry at me and hurt that I gave you up. But either way, I want to express how sorry I am. I want you to know that I love you so much and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about you and missing you.
I want to know you. I want to be able to scoop you up into my arms and hug you. I want to tickle you and hear your giggle. I want to chase you around roaring as you run around frantically giggling and hiding on me. And I know that these wants I have will never happen and it's my own fault.
I couldn't keep you though. I don't know what I could have done to keep you. Everyday I beat myself up thinking about what I could have done differently or better, how I somehow could have been able to raise you. But my head goes around in circles and all of them end at not being able to keep you, not being able to give you and your sister the life you needed and deserved. I had no job, no support, no help, no car, no money, nothing. But what I did have is love.
My heart was so filled with love for you. I took that love and I attempted to do the only thing I felt I could do to protect you, to provide for you, to ensure your health and happiness. As your mother at birth I felt it was my duty to put how I felt aside (I WANTED to keep you). I convinced myself that my wants and desires were not as important as your health and safety. I just wanted to protect you and I was told and promised that adoption would do that.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if you will be happy with that hard decision I felt I had to make. I don't know anything about the future. But what I do know is that everyday I will keep on loving you. Your siblings will grow up loving you too.
Today Lailah asked me if I would be having more babies. I told her I didn't think so. I said, Having another baby would add another person to our family, do you feel we are missing that extra person? She responded with,

"No, I just feel like we're missing Bennett."

And she's right. We are missing you in so many ways. We are missing you with out hearts and we are missing you with our minds - but we are also missing you physically. We miss you, and I feel we always will.

We love you Bennett
Until the future <3

Reminding me of you.

Dear Bennett,
I've really been missing you lately. I don't know what's up but it's been hitting me pretty hard. The other day I was at Lailah's softball game. I was sitting on the grass watching her with Noel. A little boy, your age - 3, with blonde hair and blue eyes came to talk to me. He talked to me about dinosaurs and his dog. He was adorable. And in that moment I wanted to break down. It took all I had to smile and act like everything was ok, that I was okay. But truth is, that I wasn't. He reminded me of you and I'll never get to know the 3 yr old you. I'll never be able to talk the three yr old you about dinosaurs and pets. I'm sure your mom might tell me things you like or dislike, but I will never have those conversations with you. In that moment, I knew I had more of a relationship/friendship with this little boy who was just a stranger to me just minutes before  - than I have with you. And now he's welcoming me to his house and sharing his life stories with me. My heart was breaking that I would never share these moments with you.
I gave birth to you - I was in labor for 6 hours. After having you I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out as they took you from the room and everyone else filed out, leaving me alone. I fell asleep in my tears. I get this flashback all the time at random times throughout the day. I wish I could have just shouted "Give him to me! I change my mind! I change my mind!"
I felt weak and alone. I felt scared and threatened. I so badly wanted you but I felt that was never an option. And now I hurt everyday because you're not here with me. It's unnatural for you to be out there alive somewhere, and not be here with me. It's really confusing for my mind and my body.
I love you Bennett, I always have, I still do, and I always will. <3

I'll love you forever.

Dear Bennett,
Today your mom sent me a Mothers day video filled with videos of you. It made me cry. It was... bittersweet I guess. I miss you. I wish I could hug you and tell you over and over how much I miss you and love you.
You're growing up so fast and you're so handsome. Sometimes I see a lot of your sister in you, your big smile and even the way you sit sometimes reminds me of your sisters mannerisms. I feel like you look so much like my family - especially my mothers side, your grandmother. You're just so adorable. Your mom also sent me a video of you singing Happy Birthday to your aunt. Goodness, your voice is just precious.
It's crazy how many times I can listen to you say a few words over and over again, trying to memorize every detail I get about you. With your siblings I can get to know them and it's like every part of them becomes a part of me that I just know. But with you, I can't do that. And I spend so much times trying my hardest to remember every bit of you that I can. Crazy right?
I can't help it. I can't help remembering that you grew within me. That you grew under my heart and within my body and soul for 8 months. That I felt every little kick and squirm, that I felt every hiccup and punch. That I heard your very first cry as I pushed through the tremendous pain I felt to get you safely into this world. Sometimes it feels as if I'm still there in that delivery room - I relive it over and over.
I love and hate at the same time to remember the few hours I got to spend with you. The moments where I held you and sunk every little detail of your face and tiny hands into my brain. That I stared into those big eyelashless eyes that would blink up at me, recognising me as who had brought him into the world. I relish in remembering these moments with you because it's all I had.

If I were able to keep you, I'd have named you Destin. Destin Edone. (Pronounced Eden) Because you felt like my Destined One. Destined to be here, destined to be placed on this Earth, destined to come through me. Destined.

<3 I'll love you forever Bennett. Then, Now, and Always.

You've just turned 3!

Dear Bennett,
Your 3rd birthday passed by on the 15th of this month. It was a rough day for me and also rough the day before - remembering the labor I had with you and hearing your first cry. I missed you a lot and I kept wishing and wishing that I could see you just to give you a hug. I love you and I wish you could know that. I bought you a few puzzles to send to you and also the sweetest recorded book, for your birthday. I really hope your parents let you have them. I picked up the book while I was at a store and I started reading it, it literally made me cry and I just HAD to get it for you!
Your mom sent me a few pictures of you this month. I can't believe you're 3 already. It's insane that 3 years have passed since I've had you and to me it feels like a week or two ago. It's so fresh in my mind, the memories, my moments with you, and all my emotions. You are so grown up and adorable. You really look a lot like your uncle Brian, my brother. :) Your blonde hair is just like your sister and your eyes are just like your little brothers!
Speaking of your little brother, he will definitely grow up knowing who you are and seeing your pictures. I hope one day you can be good friends with your siblings. Lailah really loves you. She tells me all the time that she misses you, wants to see you, and that she loves you so much. I wish she could tell you that herself and for you to know who she is. Maybe one day she can and maybe then I can too. <3
Here are a couple pictures of you. You are just growing up so handsome! Your mom told me that you threw the first pitch of the season at the Clemson baseball game! How awesome is that?! You are definitely one special little boy!

"anniversary"

Dear Bennett,
Around this time 3 years ago I was in labor with you. I had gotten into a small car accident that put me into preterm labor at 32 weeks with you. It was so frightening. I was scared and panicking. I went to the ER and they were pretty sure you were going to come early. I sat in the hospital room alone for hours - nobody there with me. I didn't want you to come yet. I wasn't ready for you to leave me. I didn't know what else to do. I called your future parents and they hopped on a plane to come to your birth. But you didn't come. Not yet anyways. I met your mom and your dad and I saw them as nice people. When my labor stopped your parents went back to the state where they live - where you live currently (SC) and I went back home.
With the "anniversary" so to speak of all of this and your birthday coming up, I find myself struggling. I miss you. I am so sorry for feeling as if I couldn't keep you with me, that I was a bad mom if I would have kept you, that I didn't deserve you and that you deserved much better than me. I don't know if the result is what was best or not. But I do know that you are seemingly happy and bright. I hope you stay that way. I really wish I could hug you and just hold you in my arms again - snuggle you right up next to me. My little baby boy. I feel like I've lost you - but you're still living. It's really difficult for my mind to fully comprehend and accept. I can't reverse the past and I just wish I could have you here with me - how I feel it was meant to be.
I don't know how to feel. All I know is how I do feel. And I feel sad. I feel sad that I don't have you and that you're not here with me. I am happy that you are happy but I'm sad that I wasn't the reason you're happy.
I'll get through this. And all the years in the future - I'll get through them.
I hope one day you'll want to know me and hopefully we can form a relationship in someway. I hope to one day hug you again and that we never part.
I love you Bennett <3

This months picture update:
In the picture on the right you look so much like your Uncle Brian. Oh goodness, you do !! And in the picture on the left you have a Woody doll just like I did when I was a kid!! <3

Struggling

Dear Bennett,
I've been having a rough month - your 3rd Birthday is sneaking up on me. Around this time 3 years ago I was preparing to have you at any time. About a week from now I got into a small car accident which forced me into labor and I almost had you then. But my labor was stopped by the hospital at just 32 weeks. Although, you still came a couple weeks later at just 34 weeks. I don't know why this year feels so difficult to me. I don't know why it hurts to think about you being 3. Maybe because you're no longer baby at all. You're a child. You walk, run, talk, and shout. You have a personality and you have a good sense of who you are as a human. I've missed out on those years and I know I have so many more years of missing out on. I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be safe, happy, and perfectly well cared for. But I didn't stop to think about the mental and emotional effects that adoption could have on you. I wish I had. I don't know how you will turn out. I have no idea if you'll even want to know me. And that is scary for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to know you and maybe when you're older you'll also believe that I don't deserve to know you.