I've been missing you a lot often and thinking about you all the time. I have also been talking about you and the situation I was in at the time everything happened to others - which I had stopped doing for a long while.
I don't really know the reason. It could possibly be because now I have your little brother and I am experiencing everything I didn't get to experience with you and that fills me with pain, regret, sadness, and anger. I wanted you and I'm angry and sad that I felt I couldn't keep you and raise you with our family. I honestly wanted what was best for you and I felt that I definitely wasn't that.
I feel very sad when I think about you because you're not here with me. I know that the whole thing isn't about me, it's about you. But atm I don't know how or what you will feel when you're older. I don't know if you'll forgive me and try to understand me or if you'll be angry at me and hurt that I gave you up. But either way, I want to express how sorry I am. I want you to know that I love you so much and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about you and missing you.
I want to know you. I want to be able to scoop you up into my arms and hug you. I want to tickle you and hear your giggle. I want to chase you around roaring as you run around frantically giggling and hiding on me. And I know that these wants I have will never happen and it's my own fault.
I couldn't keep you though. I don't know what I could have done to keep you. Everyday I beat myself up thinking about what I could have done differently or better, how I somehow could have been able to raise you. But my head goes around in circles and all of them end at not being able to keep you, not being able to give you and your sister the life you needed and deserved. I had no job, no support, no help, no car, no money, nothing. But what I did have is love.
My heart was so filled with love for you. I took that love and I attempted to do the only thing I felt I could do to protect you, to provide for you, to ensure your health and happiness. As your mother at birth I felt it was my duty to put how I felt aside (I WANTED to keep you). I convinced myself that my wants and desires were not as important as your health and safety. I just wanted to protect you and I was told and promised that adoption would do that.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if you will be happy with that hard decision I felt I had to make. I don't know anything about the future. But what I do know is that everyday I will keep on loving you. Your siblings will grow up loving you too.
Today Lailah asked me if I would be having more babies. I told her I didn't think so. I said, Having another baby would add another person to our family, do you feel we are missing that extra person? She responded with,
"No, I just feel like we're missing Bennett."
And she's right. We are missing you in so many ways. We are missing you with out hearts and we are missing you with our minds - but we are also missing you physically. We miss you, and I feel we always will.
We love you Bennett
Until the future <3
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