Dear Bennett,
I miss you and I feel so alone in that. I feel so alone in my pain due to not having you with me. And nobody understands. I wanted what was best for you and I felt that I couldn't be that for you. I feel sorry and ashamed for calling the agency and not trying harder to find ways to keep you with me. I want to believe that you will grow up to be a very happy man in a very happy family. I want you to know how much I love you though and how much I think about you.
I often struggle with the "choice" I had to make, leaving you behind at that hospital. I wish you knew how difficult that was and still is for me. Only so maybe it would show you how much I love you and how badly I wish you could be here with me, that you were always wanted by me. And also by your big sister, Lailah.
I worry that you'll hate me, that you will feel unwanted by me and therefore never want to meet me. I fear that I will never get to embrace you in my arms ever again because you will be happy in your family and feel no need to meet me. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way - maybe these feelings I have shouldn't be here, but they are. I don't know how to get rid of them or how to stop the thoughts and wishes that fly through my head daily. I wish I didn't feel like I'm making this all about me and my pain in losing you when all I really wanted was to protect you. And as far as I know you are being that. You are being protected, loved, cherished, cared for, and given so much more than I could have given you at that time. Although, I believe deep in my heart that nobody could love you in the way I love you.
You lived within me once upon a time. I felt every little kick, squirm, and hiccup. I heard every heartbeat and watched you so intently on each ultrasound with happiness in my face. I was devastated when I felt I couldn't keep you. I let myself down and ultimately, I let you down. I'm sorry. I hope one day you will understand and forgive me.
You are loved so much Bennett, so much more than you know.
<3
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