Daydreams

Dear Bennett,
This has been a bit of a difficult month on me when it comes to thinking of you. I've been feeling sad and all that comes with you not being here with me. I actually had a nightmare last week about our adoption and in my dream I was expecting. Right now I'm nowhere even near to being able to care for another child at all. I have your brother and sister here and I struggle to provide for them and I wish everyday that I could give them so much more. But the one thing I know I have enough of is love. I have so much love for you and both your siblings. I'm sorry that you're not here for me to show you how much I love you and think about you.
In this dream I ended up giving birth and losing another baby to adoption and I remember crying nearly the whole dream, barely getting myself to survive. I could never go through what I did with you again. I really hope that you're in an amazing home with amazing loving and kind parents. I hope that one day you won't hate me for feeling like I had to leave you with them. I hope that one day you'll be able to read all these blog posts and understand me just a little bit better. And I hope you will forgive me. And I hope you will know that there hasn't been a single day that goes by where I don't think of you and love you so much.
Sometimes I daydream about sitting on the floor with you and playing some blocks or with some cars. I dream about playing with little toy dinosaurs and rawring at each other. I daydream about all these things I am missing out on doing with you. It's hard on me, watching your brother grow, learn, and experience new things. It's hard because I missed all of these things with you. I feel angry at myself - mad that I should have tried harder to do anything I could have to kept you here with me. But every time I feel that way I try to figure out what I possibly could have done in order to have kept you back at that time. I come up empty. I feel like there is nothing I could have done. Especially since I was also trying to protect you.
I've gotten 3 pictures of you this month. One of just you, one with your mom, and one with someone I don't know. <3
<3 I love you and I miss you Bennett - forever