August update

Dear Bennett,
Here I am, writing to you again. I've been in a weird place recently. I don't know what it is. I know I sort of touched upon this last post too. I don't really know how to feel or what to think. All I know is what I do feel and what I do think. I feel so many emotions.
I feel sad that you aren't here with your sister and brother and I. I feel sad that I'm missing out on this incredible little boy you are becoming. Missing out on your personality, your likes and dislikes, and your favorite activities. But I feel happy that you seem happy and that you have an amazing family around you that loves you and cares about you as I would. I feel nervous because I don't know how you really are, I can't be there for you, I can't pick you up and make you feel better. Although, I know you get this from your parents - or at least I hope and believe you do.
I honestly wanted what was best for you Bennett. And at the time, I wasn't that. I wasn't even that for your sister. I had no means to care for either of you. You deserved more, you deserved better, and frankly so did your sister. What it really came down to though was your protection. I felt Lailah was safe and I felt you wouldn't be. I just wanted to keep you safe.
I've always loved you. I think about you all the time. I'm going to keep posting about it so that you know how much I DO love you and how often I DO think about you.
I care so much about you. Everyday I wonder how you are, what you're doing, are you laughing right now? Are you having a fun day? Have you learned something new today? I wonder about you all the time and I hope that you're doing just perfect. I honestly don't know though, I don't know how you're doing. But I'm trying to hope for the best. I hope one day we can have a relationship and we can get to know each other and understand this whole situation better together.
I texted your mom last night, she sent me some pictures this morning. You look so much like your sister, I find it insane ! You can definitely tell that you and Lailah are siblings. <3