Reminding me of you.

Dear Bennett,
I've really been missing you lately. I don't know what's up but it's been hitting me pretty hard. The other day I was at Lailah's softball game. I was sitting on the grass watching her with Noel. A little boy, your age - 3, with blonde hair and blue eyes came to talk to me. He talked to me about dinosaurs and his dog. He was adorable. And in that moment I wanted to break down. It took all I had to smile and act like everything was ok, that I was okay. But truth is, that I wasn't. He reminded me of you and I'll never get to know the 3 yr old you. I'll never be able to talk the three yr old you about dinosaurs and pets. I'm sure your mom might tell me things you like or dislike, but I will never have those conversations with you. In that moment, I knew I had more of a relationship/friendship with this little boy who was just a stranger to me just minutes before  - than I have with you. And now he's welcoming me to his house and sharing his life stories with me. My heart was breaking that I would never share these moments with you.
I gave birth to you - I was in labor for 6 hours. After having you I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out as they took you from the room and everyone else filed out, leaving me alone. I fell asleep in my tears. I get this flashback all the time at random times throughout the day. I wish I could have just shouted "Give him to me! I change my mind! I change my mind!"
I felt weak and alone. I felt scared and threatened. I so badly wanted you but I felt that was never an option. And now I hurt everyday because you're not here with me. It's unnatural for you to be out there alive somewhere, and not be here with me. It's really confusing for my mind and my body.
I love you Bennett, I always have, I still do, and I always will. <3