Around this time 3 years ago I was in labor with you. I had gotten into a small car accident that put me into preterm labor at 32 weeks with you. It was so frightening. I was scared and panicking. I went to the ER and they were pretty sure you were going to come early. I sat in the hospital room alone for hours - nobody there with me. I didn't want you to come yet. I wasn't ready for you to leave me. I didn't know what else to do. I called your future parents and they hopped on a plane to come to your birth. But you didn't come. Not yet anyways. I met your mom and your dad and I saw them as nice people. When my labor stopped your parents went back to the state where they live - where you live currently (SC) and I went back home.
With the "anniversary" so to speak of all of this and your birthday coming up, I find myself struggling. I miss you. I am so sorry for feeling as if I couldn't keep you with me, that I was a bad mom if I would have kept you, that I didn't deserve you and that you deserved much better than me. I don't know if the result is what was best or not. But I do know that you are seemingly happy and bright. I hope you stay that way. I really wish I could hug you and just hold you in my arms again - snuggle you right up next to me. My little baby boy. I feel like I've lost you - but you're still living. It's really difficult for my mind to fully comprehend and accept. I can't reverse the past and I just wish I could have you here with me - how I feel it was meant to be.
I don't know how to feel. All I know is how I do feel. And I feel sad. I feel sad that I don't have you and that you're not here with me. I am happy that you are happy but I'm sad that I wasn't the reason you're happy.
I'll get through this. And all the years in the future - I'll get through them.
I hope one day you'll want to know me and hopefully we can form a relationship in someway. I hope to one day hug you again and that we never part.
I love you Bennett <3
This months picture update:
In the picture on the right you look so much like your Uncle Brian. Oh goodness, you do !! And in the picture on the left you have a Woody doll just like I did when I was a kid!! <3
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