Struggling

Dear Bennett,
I've been having a rough month - your 3rd Birthday is sneaking up on me. Around this time 3 years ago I was preparing to have you at any time. About a week from now I got into a small car accident which forced me into labor and I almost had you then. But my labor was stopped by the hospital at just 32 weeks. Although, you still came a couple weeks later at just 34 weeks. I don't know why this year feels so difficult to me. I don't know why it hurts to think about you being 3. Maybe because you're no longer baby at all. You're a child. You walk, run, talk, and shout. You have a personality and you have a good sense of who you are as a human. I've missed out on those years and I know I have so many more years of missing out on. I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be safe, happy, and perfectly well cared for. But I didn't stop to think about the mental and emotional effects that adoption could have on you. I wish I had. I don't know how you will turn out. I have no idea if you'll even want to know me. And that is scary for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to know you and maybe when you're older you'll also believe that I don't deserve to know you.