One day, right?

Dear Bennett,
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to move forward. I'm scared. I'm so afraid that I'll never get to know you, or that you're having to endure a hard life and that you'll hate me. I want what is best for you and I have no control over your life at all. I so badly wish that I could know you, that your siblings could know you. We think about you and miss you a lot.

Back on September 11th, I texted your mom after having not heard back from her at all since our phone call, "Hey Liz! I've been thinking of yo all and especially hoping that you'll all be safe from the hurricane that'll be hitting. I know you're further inland so I hope it won't be so bad if it reaches you. (hearts emoji) sending love."
That was my attempt at using the weather as an excuse to check in to see if I was being ignored (I sent 2 texts before that one asking if she had an update) or if something could be wrong. But she texted back on September 15th, 4 days later, - " Hey Rachael! We are doing well here! Rain and high winds are expected tonight, bt all has been calm. I've had my best friend and her family staying with me all week because they live on the coast, so its been a little crazy here. She has 2 boys the same age as Bennett and the twins. Boy crazy around here, but very entertaining! I hope you all are doing well and will be safe up there! Sending lots of love!"
I responded a couple hours later, "I'm glad for you that it's not so bad. I hope your friends home will be safe for return. (heart emoji) We're doing well here, it's been raining the past week but that's normal around this time of year. I know you've been really busy, things sound so hectic! I'm sorry to bring it up but it's been killing me - I have to ask if you decided to hold off on telling Bennett? If you did, I understand. I get it. It's not on easy thing and you've had a lot going on. It's been 9 weeks since we've talked on the phone. I just need to know what's been decided so I don't feel like I'm left hanging unsure of where things are at or what to expect. I hope you understand ad can find the time to tell me. I hope to talk to you soon. (3 heart emojis).
September 21st, 6 days later, I texted again: "Hey Liz. I'm going to write you a letter as well as this text. Based on no update or reply from you I'm going to assume you've decided not to tell Bennett or open the adoption and you just haven't found the heart to tell me. I understand that it must be difficult for you. I've decided that I have to close the adoption and all contact. When you're ready to tell Bennett and for us to have contact please email me at (my email) and I'll be there for him, always. I just - I can't handle this - up and down roller coaster ride anymore. Sometimes you reply, sometimes you don't, sometimes I get pictures, sometimes I don't, sometimes I get an update, sometimes I don't. I have no control or power over any of this, I'm powerless. And often it's triggering emotionally. I'm sorry. When you're ready, please let Bennett know I love him very much and that all I ever ever tried to do is love and protect him. That I tried best I could for him. I held on for 7.5 years and that when he's ready please let him know I'm sorry and I love him. I'll always be available for him. I'll send a letter for you and a letter for Bennett. Until then - always sending you love and thinking of you all.

I've been contemplating sending a letter to your mom that was written by Joe Sall - he's an adoptee, a psychotherapist, and an author who writes books regarding adoption trauma and healing. He wrote me a up a letter that he can send to me if I decide. I believe I'll have him send the letter and I'll mail it out when I receive the answer on whether I should send it out or not. Maybe I'll send it along with a letter for you and her.
I probably will send it because at this point, what harm could it do? What could be worse than having no contact and never knowing if you'll even find out you're adopted or about me? Or maybe I'll text your mom again just sending her my blog or something, Idk. Idk what to do.
I have been lead to believe, based on studies I've read, and adoptees I've spoken to that the best thing for you is for you to know you're adopted, know about me, and have contact with me. I want that for all of us.
I love you so much. I wish I could hold you and show you that.
<3 One day... right? I've got to keep hoping.

Feeling disappointed.

Dear Bennett,

They're like a hazel green <3

I miss you a lot. I thought that I might be able to meet you this year but I think your mom changed her mind. On July 5th of this year your mom texted me. She sent me some photos of you and for the first time in 7 years, I know your eye color. I've been wanting to know your whole life but I never got clear enough or close enough up photos to know.. and I was always scared to ask, I felt that it would be weird or something, so I've been waiting.
I had told her that I had a lot on my mind and I would like to talk to her (which took an incredible amount of courage from me which took several months to build). She asked me if I would like her to call me, I said yes. After a couple hours - after putting you and your brothers to bed, she called me.

This screenshot has names whited
out because I put it in your photo
album on my FB.

We had what I felt to be a very sincere, open, vulnerable conversation. We both poured out heart out to each other and we both cried. I felt like we were becoming closer and that it was a good thing for us and ultimately you. I told her about what I had been experiencing with missing you and wanting to know you. She told me how she was afraid to hurt your heart. But ultimately she told me she would would be telling you soon that you're adopted and she had told me to expect a call from you in a couple weeks to ask me questions you might have or to just talk to me. We got off the phone after a few hours and I felt so much relief. I felt like my heart wasn't as heavy as I felt it previously was. But I was still cautious and nervous based on my past interactions with your mom.
It's now August 28th - it's been almost 2 months now and I haven't heard from your mom since. On August 7th, I reached out to your mom asking her how you all are and if there's an update but I haven't received an update at all. I feel so hurt and disappointed. I just really wanted to know you and for you to know me and your siblings over here. Noel often tells me that he wishes to know you and that he's sad you're not here. Lailah asks me often how you are and if you're happy. They both ask me when they can know you, but I don't have any answers for them.

I had nightsmares the other day where I missed you so much that I cried and cried and cried during my dreams and then I woke up crying multiple times. I miss you and all I ever wanted to do was to keep you safe and to show I loved you and I would do anything to protect you but I worry that you won't ever see that. You'll just see that you were "given away" and that I wasn't there for you. I hope so much that you will understand one day.
I love you so much and not a day passes where you're not on my mind,
until the future, my little puzzle piece..

Do I deserve to suffer?

Dear Bennett,
I've been oddly stable.. yet struggling inside about it. I hate that I feel stable and I feel wrong for doing so. Why? Because I know it relates directly to avoiding your mom and the adoption. Since she's ignored my requests to meet I've been finding it really difficult to talk to her. I think about you all the time and I so badly want to know you and show you how much you matter to me and how much I love you and just wanted the best for you. I want you to know that I have always loved you, more than I love myself.
Your mom texted me on mother's day, she was kind to me, but I couldn't respond. In her text she ended it by saying "I hope that you always know how special you are! We love you!" I definitely don't feel special or important whatsoever and that's okay. But you are important and I wish you knew how we all love you and think about you all the time. If she loves me and if I hold such importance to her though then why can't we know you? Why can't you know you're adopted and loved by more than one family?
Your sister and brother ask about you all the time. They wonder what your favorite things are, what sports you like, if you like dinosaurs, trucks, trains, blocks, and card games like they do. They ask me when they'll get to meet you and play with you all the time. I never know how to answer and they get quite down and disappointed.
I have been wanting to contact your mom again but every time I think about it I want to practically beg her to meet you and know you which I just don't feel would turn out well.. so I just don't reach out to her.
I don't even know what I should do anymore. I don't know what you'd want from me. Should I just keep moving forward with receiving some photos, becoming triggered often, and just hope for the best when you're older? Should I give up and just wait to see if you want to know me some day but leave your family alone? Should I ask your mom again to know you and press her until we can or until she closes the adoption if she goes that way? Should I tell her how I feel and about my worries or concerns? Do my feelings, what I feel or worry about matter? Did I lose my right to all my feelings, worries, and concerns the moment I signed TPR to protect you from my assaulter? Idk what to do and maybe I deserve to suffer.

Request ignored.

Dear Bennett,

I've been missing you a lot lately. I've been reflecting on the past over and over and over again trying to figure out if there was any way I could have kept you with me. But I always come up short - because at the end of the day, my job, my top priority was to keep you safe. I was so afraid that you would be harmed by your biological paternal side.. and I couldn't allow that to happen just because I wanted you. I couldn't put you in that type of situation where you had the potential to be harmed.

It's been almost 7 years now... your birthday is quickly approaching. I can't even believe this long has passed. I texted your mom requesting to know you.... for your siblings to know you... for us to be able to be in your life.. but I was ignored. That hurt a lot. We really wish to know you and for you to know that you're loved by so many more people than you know.

That was my first "attempt" which I wrote about a few blog posts back....

And this was my next attempt on March 12, 2018

I didn't receive any response back..

On April 1st - Easter day 2018 I texted your mom again

She pretty much skipped completely over my request for us to meet. I wish she would have just said no or that you're not ready or really anything... But it is how it is. 

I then asked for some photos of you and she sent me a few. 

And a few others - but my computer is being glitchy and making it difficult for me add more. <3 

Anyways - I love you very much and I think about you every day and hope you're doing well. 

Grief.

Dear Bennett,
God, I miss you.
The grief comes in waves and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, to be honest.
I'm due with another sibling on April 14th, the day before your birthday. It feels like it's eating me alive.
I'm struggling. I'm trying not to but it doesn't feel like much of a choice.
I wish I could know you and I wish you could know me. I wish you could meet your sister and brother - they have always known of you and they can't wait til the day when they can get to know you. They think about you and talk about you all the time, they wonder how you are, what your favorite toys and things are, if you're happy or if you're sad, they include you whenever people ask how many sisters or brothers they have - they say "Well, there's Bennett too, but he lives with another family right now." They love you so much and we all can't wait til the day when we can hopefully meet you.. me again, and them for the first time.
I wish this grief got easier but I guess it just shows how deeply and profoundly I miss you and love you.
I wish the best for you every single day and I wish I could have done more, done better in some way, and I hope that one day, you'll understand.
I love you,
<3

I really miss you

Dear Bennett,

I'm going through a shift of some sort.
My godfather/uncle Jack died in January and I grieved, and I grieved pretty hard.
It reminded me of the pain I felt after I went home without you. I was reminded how badly it hurts to lose someone you feel very close to.
And everything that happened that led up to your adoption came back to my emotional surface.
I cried, a lot, and then I cried some more.
I miss you and I don't believe that could or would ever change.

Your mom doesn't contact me anymore unless I contact her. And recently it's been hard for me to contact her first. It's anxiety inducing because she intimidates me, even though she is very very kind to me when we do converse. In the very beginning her and I had a bit of a rocky start... and it still scares me. And also, whenever I get pictures of you, I miss you more. I miss you so much that it hurts and there is nothing I can do.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to hurt because I didn't pull my life together, I put myself into the situation I was in when you were conceived, I was weak, and I didn't figure something out.
But idk if I even could have. I wrack my brain about it almost daily - replaying it in my head.

I honestly don't know if you staying with me would have been a good or even an ok thing for you. I was honestly trying to protect you and if I kept you with me, I don't believe I ever could have done that. Courts would have overruled me and I would have never been able to keep you safe. I wish I could have had resources at that time to do so, but I don't think they exist even in today's world - 6 years later.
I don't know if you are safe where you are now, but I hope every single day that you are. In pictures and videos you are very happy, you are outgoing, thoughtful, kind, and you are super friendly. I . hate that I had to make this extremely difficult "choice", although, it didn't feel as if I had any better "choices", leaving me with just that "choice".
I'm so scared that I could have scarred you even worse than if I had kept you. I hope that my fears just get the best of me.

If I don't contact your mom for a little while, I hope that you understand. Your mom might even cut off all contact, thinking that I've moved on or has given up on you.. but I never could.
I need time to heal me. I need time to process all the grief that I ignored back 6 years ago. I want to be the best me, I can be for you, so if we reunite I can be healthy and stable for you.

I love you, I've always loved you, and I just really want the absolute best for you in your life. I hope that you experience happiness, love, comfort, stability, and kindness through out your life.

I also hope that one day, we can meet again.
<3

Bit of a convo between your mom and I.

Dear Bennett,
This past month has been very interesting. I didn't hear from your mom for 6 months and then finally heard back - which I wrote about in my last letter to you.
But then on May 9th, I sent this text to your mom:

"Hi! How are you?! I've been thinking of you all a lot. Lost two uncles recently so things have been a bit rough. I have had a lot on my mind and how one moment people can be there and then the next moment they could be gone. And that's so scary. I never want to lose any of you. If it's ok with you I'd like to chat more often and maybe form a deeper relationship. I truly love you guys and I think about you often. My family is going on a Caribbean cruise April 15, 2018. It's a loaf of fun. I was thinking maybe you'd enjoy coming too as a fun vacation, and maybe even to celebrate Bennett's bday! You obviously don't have to decide now or even at all; but I thought I would throw that out there. I miss you guys and would love to really connect. I'm sorry if this comes across as overwhelming. I don't know how else to tell you. I don't expect for you to tell Bennett anything at all. It would just be super incredible to see you all again. *hearts and a kissy blowing face* love you!"

 She responded:

"Hey Rachael! As long as I'm breathing, you'll always have a special place in my heart!!! I'm so sorry about the loss of your uncles. It's so hard to lose people that you love and care about. I love the idea of getting to know each other even better! I think the world of you and sometimes I let life get by without realizing how much time has gone by between chats. I'm sorry about that. I promise it is never done intentionally. We haven't told Bennett yet, but we have plant to tell him at the beginning of summer. His best friend at school is adopted, so I think it's good that they have that in common! I feel like God brought them together like he brought us together! *hearts*"

She then sent me some photos of you. I thanked her for the photos and for loving you. She replied that she does love you sooo much and always wants me to be proud of how she raises you.

I honestly don't know much about her parenting style or techniques at all. I don't know if you're parented gentle or if you're spanked, shamed, or isolated in time out. I have no idea and I feel that if I were to ask that would be an intrusion and she wouldn't respond well to it.
I often worry that your parents and I have very different parenting philosophies.
I worry getting closer to your mom and then recognizing things that don't sit with me very well and then that causing friction between us and ultimately and eventually my potential relationship with you.

I really wish to be in your life one day. I don't know if I deserve that or not or if you'll want me to be in your life one day... but it's my wish. I wish that one day we will both be at a place where we desire a relationship with one another. And I do not want to over step, I will be waiting for the day you are open to me being in your life and I will follow your lead. I love you, and all I have ever ever wanted for you was for you to have a healthy and safe life.

I don't know if I've explained in past letters.
I did not want to leave you and have you adopted.
It was not my desire.
I actually had a notebook full of baby names that I had contemplated using for you.
I had pages and pages soaked with my tears begging the universe to help me and tell me what I should do.
I felt lost.
I felt abandoned.
I was suffering through so much trauma and pain.
I lost faith in myself as a person and as a parent.
I didn't believe I could be what you needed or deserved.
I felt you deserved far more and better than what I felt capable of offering.
Many others in my life aided in me in feeling those ways.
I didn't have much support.

There's so much more to the story and one day, when you're ready and older, I will explain if you want me to.

I just hope that you know that I love you and all I've ever wanted for you is love, kindness, support, and acceptance.

<3