One day, right?

Dear Bennett,
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to move forward. I'm scared. I'm so afraid that I'll never get to know you, or that you're having to endure a hard life and that you'll hate me. I want what is best for you and I have no control over your life at all. I so badly wish that I could know you, that your siblings could know you. We think about you and miss you a lot.

Back on September 11th, I texted your mom after having not heard back from her at all since our phone call, "Hey Liz! I've been thinking of yo all and especially hoping that you'll all be safe from the hurricane that'll be hitting. I know you're further inland so I hope it won't be so bad if it reaches you. (hearts emoji) sending love."
That was my attempt at using the weather as an excuse to check in to see if I was being ignored (I sent 2 texts before that one asking if she had an update) or if something could be wrong. But she texted back on September 15th, 4 days later, - " Hey Rachael! We are doing well here! Rain and high winds are expected tonight, bt all has been calm. I've had my best friend and her family staying with me all week because they live on the coast, so its been a little crazy here. She has 2 boys the same age as Bennett and the twins. Boy crazy around here, but very entertaining! I hope you all are doing well and will be safe up there! Sending lots of love!"
I responded a couple hours later, "I'm glad for you that it's not so bad. I hope your friends home will be safe for return. (heart emoji) We're doing well here, it's been raining the past week but that's normal around this time of year. I know you've been really busy, things sound so hectic! I'm sorry to bring it up but it's been killing me - I have to ask if you decided to hold off on telling Bennett? If you did, I understand. I get it. It's not on easy thing and you've had a lot going on. It's been 9 weeks since we've talked on the phone. I just need to know what's been decided so I don't feel like I'm left hanging unsure of where things are at or what to expect. I hope you understand ad can find the time to tell me. I hope to talk to you soon. (3 heart emojis).
September 21st, 6 days later, I texted again: "Hey Liz. I'm going to write you a letter as well as this text. Based on no update or reply from you I'm going to assume you've decided not to tell Bennett or open the adoption and you just haven't found the heart to tell me. I understand that it must be difficult for you. I've decided that I have to close the adoption and all contact. When you're ready to tell Bennett and for us to have contact please email me at (my email) and I'll be there for him, always. I just - I can't handle this - up and down roller coaster ride anymore. Sometimes you reply, sometimes you don't, sometimes I get pictures, sometimes I don't, sometimes I get an update, sometimes I don't. I have no control or power over any of this, I'm powerless. And often it's triggering emotionally. I'm sorry. When you're ready, please let Bennett know I love him very much and that all I ever ever tried to do is love and protect him. That I tried best I could for him. I held on for 7.5 years and that when he's ready please let him know I'm sorry and I love him. I'll always be available for him. I'll send a letter for you and a letter for Bennett. Until then - always sending you love and thinking of you all.

I've been contemplating sending a letter to your mom that was written by Joe Sall - he's an adoptee, a psychotherapist, and an author who writes books regarding adoption trauma and healing. He wrote me a up a letter that he can send to me if I decide. I believe I'll have him send the letter and I'll mail it out when I receive the answer on whether I should send it out or not. Maybe I'll send it along with a letter for you and her.
I probably will send it because at this point, what harm could it do? What could be worse than having no contact and never knowing if you'll even find out you're adopted or about me? Or maybe I'll text your mom again just sending her my blog or something, Idk. Idk what to do.
I have been lead to believe, based on studies I've read, and adoptees I've spoken to that the best thing for you is for you to know you're adopted, know about me, and have contact with me. I want that for all of us.
I love you so much. I wish I could hold you and show you that.
<3 One day... right? I've got to keep hoping.