Feeling disappointed.

Dear Bennett,

They're like a hazel green <3

I miss you a lot. I thought that I might be able to meet you this year but I think your mom changed her mind. On July 5th of this year your mom texted me. She sent me some photos of you and for the first time in 7 years, I know your eye color. I've been wanting to know your whole life but I never got clear enough or close enough up photos to know.. and I was always scared to ask, I felt that it would be weird or something, so I've been waiting.
I had told her that I had a lot on my mind and I would like to talk to her (which took an incredible amount of courage from me which took several months to build). She asked me if I would like her to call me, I said yes. After a couple hours - after putting you and your brothers to bed, she called me.

This screenshot has names whited
out because I put it in your photo
album on my FB.

We had what I felt to be a very sincere, open, vulnerable conversation. We both poured out heart out to each other and we both cried. I felt like we were becoming closer and that it was a good thing for us and ultimately you. I told her about what I had been experiencing with missing you and wanting to know you. She told me how she was afraid to hurt your heart. But ultimately she told me she would would be telling you soon that you're adopted and she had told me to expect a call from you in a couple weeks to ask me questions you might have or to just talk to me. We got off the phone after a few hours and I felt so much relief. I felt like my heart wasn't as heavy as I felt it previously was. But I was still cautious and nervous based on my past interactions with your mom.
It's now August 28th - it's been almost 2 months now and I haven't heard from your mom since. On August 7th, I reached out to your mom asking her how you all are and if there's an update but I haven't received an update at all. I feel so hurt and disappointed. I just really wanted to know you and for you to know me and your siblings over here. Noel often tells me that he wishes to know you and that he's sad you're not here. Lailah asks me often how you are and if you're happy. They both ask me when they can know you, but I don't have any answers for them.

I had nightsmares the other day where I missed you so much that I cried and cried and cried during my dreams and then I woke up crying multiple times. I miss you and all I ever wanted to do was to keep you safe and to show I loved you and I would do anything to protect you but I worry that you won't ever see that. You'll just see that you were "given away" and that I wasn't there for you. I hope so much that you will understand one day.
I love you so much and not a day passes where you're not on my mind,
until the future, my little puzzle piece..