Do I deserve to suffer?

Dear Bennett,
I've been oddly stable.. yet struggling inside about it. I hate that I feel stable and I feel wrong for doing so. Why? Because I know it relates directly to avoiding your mom and the adoption. Since she's ignored my requests to meet I've been finding it really difficult to talk to her. I think about you all the time and I so badly want to know you and show you how much you matter to me and how much I love you and just wanted the best for you. I want you to know that I have always loved you, more than I love myself.
Your mom texted me on mother's day, she was kind to me, but I couldn't respond. In her text she ended it by saying "I hope that you always know how special you are! We love you!" I definitely don't feel special or important whatsoever and that's okay. But you are important and I wish you knew how we all love you and think about you all the time. If she loves me and if I hold such importance to her though then why can't we know you? Why can't you know you're adopted and loved by more than one family?
Your sister and brother ask about you all the time. They wonder what your favorite things are, what sports you like, if you like dinosaurs, trucks, trains, blocks, and card games like they do. They ask me when they'll get to meet you and play with you all the time. I never know how to answer and they get quite down and disappointed.
I have been wanting to contact your mom again but every time I think about it I want to practically beg her to meet you and know you which I just don't feel would turn out well.. so I just don't reach out to her.
I don't even know what I should do anymore. I don't know what you'd want from me. Should I just keep moving forward with receiving some photos, becoming triggered often, and just hope for the best when you're older? Should I give up and just wait to see if you want to know me some day but leave your family alone? Should I ask your mom again to know you and press her until we can or until she closes the adoption if she goes that way? Should I tell her how I feel and about my worries or concerns? Do my feelings, what I feel or worry about matter? Did I lose my right to all my feelings, worries, and concerns the moment I signed TPR to protect you from my assaulter? Idk what to do and maybe I deserve to suffer.