Thinking of you a lot, I love you

Dear Bennett,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
I am feeling so disappointed that it's been almost 9 years and that I still haven't been allowed to know you or meet you. I don't even think you know you're adopted or that I exist yet, which crushes me.
I remember being promised that we would have an open adoption, that I would "be like family", and that I would get to be in your life. I wish so badly that I wasn't lied to to the point of believing your aparents so that I would have kept you. It would have been difficult, I know, but at least I would have you and you'd know us.
It's Feb which I'm pretty sure is when I first reached out to the agency and spoke to your aparents, which is always a tough time period for me. Your mom fed me a story about how she had cancer and couldn't ever have children, she cried on the phone begging me to be her savior and to please let her have a family - by letting her take you from me. I remember after the phone call with your aparents, the agency guilted and shamed me for me telling them I was unsure if I could go through with it. I was told that I was a horrible person for having got your amoms hopes up and how dare I give her false hope and then rip it away from her. I remember feeling so scared, alone, and devastated. I wanted nothing more to keep you but I just had no support and without any support I had no idea how I could even begin to fathom keeping you when I had no money, no job, and no home. If I could go back in time I would do absolutely anything in my power to have been able to take you home with me... but I can't, I can only move forward without you and pray for the day that you may one day want to know me. It's been almost 10 years... next year will make 10 years that I've lived without you, and not a single day has passed where it hasn't haunted me. God, I was so weak and I allowed people to prey on me and take you from me. I wish I had better strength. But I know that your family is your family now, and that you love them. I hope though that one day you can open your heart to be loved by me and your siblings on this side too. We love you and every single day I will continue to think of you.