I really miss you

Dear Bennett,

I'm going through a shift of some sort.
My godfather/uncle Jack died in January and I grieved, and I grieved pretty hard.
It reminded me of the pain I felt after I went home without you. I was reminded how badly it hurts to lose someone you feel very close to.
And everything that happened that led up to your adoption came back to my emotional surface.
I cried, a lot, and then I cried some more.
I miss you and I don't believe that could or would ever change.

Your mom doesn't contact me anymore unless I contact her. And recently it's been hard for me to contact her first. It's anxiety inducing because she intimidates me, even though she is very very kind to me when we do converse. In the very beginning her and I had a bit of a rocky start... and it still scares me. And also, whenever I get pictures of you, I miss you more. I miss you so much that it hurts and there is nothing I can do.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to hurt because I didn't pull my life together, I put myself into the situation I was in when you were conceived, I was weak, and I didn't figure something out.
But idk if I even could have. I wrack my brain about it almost daily - replaying it in my head.

I honestly don't know if you staying with me would have been a good or even an ok thing for you. I was honestly trying to protect you and if I kept you with me, I don't believe I ever could have done that. Courts would have overruled me and I would have never been able to keep you safe. I wish I could have had resources at that time to do so, but I don't think they exist even in today's world - 6 years later.
I don't know if you are safe where you are now, but I hope every single day that you are. In pictures and videos you are very happy, you are outgoing, thoughtful, kind, and you are super friendly. I . hate that I had to make this extremely difficult "choice", although, it didn't feel as if I had any better "choices", leaving me with just that "choice".
I'm so scared that I could have scarred you even worse than if I had kept you. I hope that my fears just get the best of me.

If I don't contact your mom for a little while, I hope that you understand. Your mom might even cut off all contact, thinking that I've moved on or has given up on you.. but I never could.
I need time to heal me. I need time to process all the grief that I ignored back 6 years ago. I want to be the best me, I can be for you, so if we reunite I can be healthy and stable for you.

I love you, I've always loved you, and I just really want the absolute best for you in your life. I hope that you experience happiness, love, comfort, stability, and kindness through out your life.

I also hope that one day, we can meet again.
<3