This past month has been very interesting. I didn't hear from your mom for 6 months and then finally heard back - which I wrote about in my last letter to you.
But then on May 9th, I sent this text to your mom:
"Hi! How are you?! I've been thinking of you all a lot. Lost two uncles recently so things have been a bit rough. I have had a lot on my mind and how one moment people can be there and then the next moment they could be gone. And that's so scary. I never want to lose any of you. If it's ok with you I'd like to chat more often and maybe form a deeper relationship. I truly love you guys and I think about you often. My family is going on a Caribbean cruise April 15, 2018. It's a loaf of fun. I was thinking maybe you'd enjoy coming too as a fun vacation, and maybe even to celebrate Bennett's bday! You obviously don't have to decide now or even at all; but I thought I would throw that out there. I miss you guys and would love to really connect. I'm sorry if this comes across as overwhelming. I don't know how else to tell you. I don't expect for you to tell Bennett anything at all. It would just be super incredible to see you all again. *hearts and a kissy blowing face* love you!"She responded:
"Hey Rachael! As long as I'm breathing, you'll always have a special place in my heart!!! I'm so sorry about the loss of your uncles. It's so hard to lose people that you love and care about. I love the idea of getting to know each other even better! I think the world of you and sometimes I let life get by without realizing how much time has gone by between chats. I'm sorry about that. I promise it is never done intentionally. We haven't told Bennett yet, but we have plant to tell him at the beginning of summer. His best friend at school is adopted, so I think it's good that they have that in common! I feel like God brought them together like he brought us together! *hearts*"
She then sent me some photos of you. I thanked her for the photos and for loving you. She replied that she does love you sooo much and always wants me to be proud of how she raises you.
I honestly don't know much about her parenting style or techniques at all. I don't know if you're parented gentle or if you're spanked, shamed, or isolated in time out. I have no idea and I feel that if I were to ask that would be an intrusion and she wouldn't respond well to it.
I often worry that your parents and I have very different parenting philosophies.
I worry getting closer to your mom and then recognizing things that don't sit with me very well and then that causing friction between us and ultimately and eventually my potential relationship with you.
I really wish to be in your life one day. I don't know if I deserve that or not or if you'll want me to be in your life one day... but it's my wish. I wish that one day we will both be at a place where we desire a relationship with one another. And I do not want to over step, I will be waiting for the day you are open to me being in your life and I will follow your lead. I love you, and all I have ever ever wanted for you was for you to have a healthy and safe life.
I don't know if I've explained in past letters.
I did not want to leave you and have you adopted.
It was not my desire.
I actually had a notebook full of baby names that I had contemplated using for you.
I had pages and pages soaked with my tears begging the universe to help me and tell me what I should do.
I felt lost.
I felt abandoned.
I was suffering through so much trauma and pain.
I lost faith in myself as a person and as a parent.
I didn't believe I could be what you needed or deserved.
I felt you deserved far more and better than what I felt capable of offering.
Many others in my life aided in me in feeling those ways.
I didn't have much support.
There's so much more to the story and one day, when you're ready and older, I will explain if you want me to.
I just hope that you know that I love you and all I've ever wanted for you is love, kindness, support, and acceptance.
<3
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