I got married.

Dear Bennett,
I got married this month! On the 22nd I married a man who saved my life when I met him around your 1st birthday. To tell you the truth, I was not handling your first birthday approaching very well at all. I had started visiting a party house frequently - drinking and getting high, doing crazy things, and passing out in showers/on the street. I couldn't even function throughout the day because of how depressed I was that I didn't have you. I hated myself for allowing you to be taken from me and adopted. I hated that I made that choice. I still do sometimes because it feels like torture not having you here with me where it certainly feels like you belong. I carried you within my body for 7 months, I felt every movement, every hiccup, every breath you took, and I took care of myself while pregnant with you so that you would have a great beginning to life. After you were born at 34 weeks - I even pumped breastmilk for you so that you could have the absolute best beginning that I could possibly give you. I pumped for the first 3-4 days (my memory is very foggy after I left the hospital) and I just remember your mom texting me telling me not to pump anymore and that they didn't need my milk for you - they were just going to use formula and that you should get used to that instead.
Looking back on that day I cry and cry hard because I would never have the strength of handing you over to your adoptive parents ever again as I did that day. I held you for 3 hours, I cooed at you, talked to you, cried over you, and stared at you the entire time as you switched back and forth between closing those little eyelashless eyes and glancing up at me in the most peaceful way. At one point when I first came down to the NICU nursery you were crying and crying and I walked over and spoke to you and as soon as you heard my voice you quieted and looked for me. I picked you up and you didn't make a single peep. You knew who I was and I feel like I betrayed you by allowing you to be adopted. If I ever went back in time I'd never be able to make the same choice that I had, again.
I miss you every day and no amount of times that I say that will change how my heart and soul feels. I'm literally missing you - you are missing from me.
My wedding was beautiful but it would have been even better had you been able to be there. I invited your parents, you, and your siblings but your mom had told me that you guys had started your school year and therefore couldn't attend. Even though, I doubt that would have been the way they'd have let us have our first visit. Your mom texted me on my wedding day with a text saying, "Happy Wedding!". I thanked her and sent her a couple photos, then told her I would message her in a few days. I ended up not being able to text back for about a week since I was in the hospital with viral meningitis but when I texted her I let her know why I hadn't texted as soon as I had hoped I could. I tried to make convo and ask how she was but I didn't get any response back after she told me I looked happy at the wedding. I hope that she just got caught up with you and your siblings that she was too busy to text me back. I also hope that I hear from her again soon... if not then I will be waiting another 2 weeks before reaching out to her and hoping that I can have some updated photos of you.

I miss you my little puzzle piece. <3

Lailah misses you.

Lailah: "Mommy I miss Bennett; mommy I hope Bennett's having fun."
Me: I'm sorry baby. I miss him too. What made you think of him? Did something make you remember?
Lailah: "I remember by just making a picture. Because it just popped into my head mommy. And mommy I miss him so so so so so badly mommy and I'm sorry that you miss him too so so so so much mommy. I wish we could keep Bennett mommy. Are you okay mommy? I am crying because I miss Bennett so badly mommy. I will always love Bennett and my family so so so so so so much mommy.

Your sister is pretty affected by your absence. I never knew any of this was going to happen. Everyone told me that everything would be okay but it just isn't. We miss you a lot. We hope that you are doing well and that you are happy, every day, all the time. We love you. We think about you. <3

You've turned 4.

Dear Bennett,
Your 4th birthday just passed. This year has been especially difficult for me. I don't want to feel sad or anything negative but I do and I just can't help it. I miss you more than I could ever even begin to put into words. It's just this extremely deep rooted feeling to the core of my soul. I miss you every moment of everyday. I regret having you be adopted and it tortures me nearly every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment. I wish I had found the resources or means to have felt like I could have kept and raised you. I wish that someone would have believed in me or had faith in me to parent you. I felt like the world was against me and like the best thing I could do for you and to protect you was to allow you to be adopted. I felt like I couldn't be the mom that you deserved or give you the things in life you should have. I lost faith in myself as not only a person but as a mother - specifically your mother. I want you to also know that although I did have custody of your sister Lailah at the time that she was not living with me and that I only was getting visits with her a few times a week. It wasn't a legal thing or a battle it was just the way things were at the time. My mom (your grandmother I guess) she made me feel as if I weren't good enough to be a mother at all - to either you or Lailah. She constantly belittled me and put me down as a person and as a mother. She kept your sister while I was not permitted to live with them. She threatened to try to take custody of Lailah from me multiple times. When I had finally gotten Lailah and was caring for her on my own when she was 4 - my sister (your aunt I guess) had even called DCYF on me to spite me - in attempt to hurt me to take Lailah from me for no reason other than to hurt me. It's no excuse but I want you to have a deeper understanding of how life was for me at the time and shortly after. It took me over a year after having you to have Lailah fully in my care and even then we lived with my dad (your papa I guess). Lailah is 7 now and your little brother Noel is 1 and we are still currently living with my dad. Life isn't a cakewalk and we struggle but we're getting by. And we miss you. Lailah asks about you often and we talk and wonder about you and how you're doing. We hope things are going okay for you and that you'll have a life that you won't hate or be angry at me for. I just hope that at some point you're told how much I love you. I check in with your mom every single month. I ask how you're doing. I get pictures and your mom tells me about you and her perception on how you're doing. I really truly only wanted what was best for you, Bennett. And I felt at that time that I couldn't be that for you.
I love you, I truly do. My little puzzle piece.

Insane news.

Dear Bennett,
There is so much to catch up on. So much to say about where I am on this journey. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every single day, nearly all the time. I miss you more than I could ever tell you. I made a bold move the other day. I asked your mom if she feels I could ever visit you. I'll just post the screenshots of our convo here so that one day you can read exactly what happened for yourself.

She then sent me some pictures and a video of you rolling down a hill. You looked very happy and like you were having a blast. She told me about how you're such a boy and that when you play candy land the pieces aren't red, blue, green, and yellow but they're superman, batman, the green lantern, and robin!

So.... with this news I am feeling a lot of things. Excited, nervous, scared, and sort of sad and down. I feel excited because there is nothing more on this planet that I want more than being able to see you again and just hug you. I am feeling nervous because I don't know if this will fall through or not and I'm afraid to get my hopes up. Nervous for two reasons what if it falls through and what if it doesn't? If it does then I know it'll hurt and I'll feel disappointed - there's no escaping that. If it doesn't then that's a whole new ball game. I will be so unsure of what to do or what to say or if you'll even truly understand who I am. There's so much going on in my head about that. And sad and down because another 2/3 years is nearly double your current lifetime and so far it has been very difficult on me. I know this isn't about me but I can't stop how I feel and I can't end how endlessly I miss you. I fear that you won't understand the reasons I felt I must "choose" adoption for you. I fear that you won't accept me. I'm afraid that one day you'll hate me. But I hope everyday that you won't.
Just please know I've only ever wanted what was best for you and at the time I was convinced that I couldn't be that for you. I felt undeserving of you and like I wouldn't be able to be the mother that I wanted to be for you. I just wanted you to be safe and have everything you could ever want or need. I don't know if adoption did those things for you but what I do know is that you're loved. That they love you and care about you more than anything in the world. And I hope that continues. <3


I love you my little puzzle piece. Until next time..

Skype visit.

Dear Bennett,
I had a Skype visit with you and your family on December 20th. I sent you gifts!
I only have one picture though of you - it's of you playing with a puzzle I've sent. Since we did Skype instead of Facetime I was not able to snap any pictures of our visit :( But I really wish I could have.
One of the first things you said to me during our visit together was ask me, "Can I come to your house?" It melted my heart. I wish so bad that you could come to my house and meet your brother and your sister who love you SO much, along with myself. I wish you could play together and form friendships with one another more than anything else. Your parents informed you that I live too far away and that's why we have to do visits on the computer or on the phone. You didn't seem to like that answer and you went in the other room for a short while. But then when you came back in you spoke far wiser than your years by simply stating, "I've changed my mind." About staying in the other room and not coming back in to talk with us. It was the sweetest thing. You are so intelligent and bright Bennett, I'm so proud of you!

I made you a blanket, I sent a couple puzzles, I sent a small Elmo lego set, and a book called, "Guess how much I miss you?" I contemplated sending the book in fear that it could somehow upset your parents but they seemed to be okay with it... your mom said that she would add it to the books that she reads with you at night. I know that you won't understand at this age but I hope that one day you may remember the book. We have the same one with us and we (your siblings and I) read it together at night too because it reminds us of you. We will continue reading it together and I will always be open and receptive to talking to your siblings about you.
Lailah tells me all the time about how she misses you and wishes she could know you. She was only 3 (your age now!) when you were born but she remembers my pregnancy with you and she remembers I went to the hospital to have you. We always think of you Bennett and if I could rewind time I would have figured out any possible way to have kept you with our family. I would be homeless in a shelter with you and Lailah if that is what it would have taken. If only I knew then all of which I know now. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say other than, I'm sorry. I just can wish that one day you'll try to understand.

To get back on track here...
You were playing with the Elmo legos as soon as you seen it lol you opened it and just started playing with it. I was so happy to see that you loved it. Once our visit was over your mom sent me a picture of you doing one of the puzzles I had sent and I was happy to see that you also enjoyed them too. :) (see picture above! :) )
I've learned that you can do simple math and count well! I've also learned that you love to watch domino competition videos and marble runs on YouTube. For half of our visit you sat watching marble runs and at one point you looked up to tell us, "You all talk too much!" HAHAHA. That's probably true. :P
Seeing you this year was the best gift I could have asked for. You've grown so much in just the past year alone. Last year you were barely talking and now you're counting and doing simple math and forming thoughts like a pro! It is insane.
I'm hoping for the day that I can wrap my arms around you in a hug once again and tell you that I've never let you go from my heart or soul. How you have always been apart of me and I've been here, watching you from afar to the best of my ability. I hope you'll see how hard I try to be a part of your life in the ways that I can and am allowed.

I also want to say that I've gotten a few updates on you and your family the past couple months. Your mom has found out shes expecting twins! Your brothers. It was a huge shock to me but I'm happy for her and your family. I hope that you form close bonds to your brothers and that you have a lot of fun growing up with them. One day hopefully you'll be able to meet all your siblings and have relationships with them all. <3

I love you Bennett - that has never stopped and I don't believe it ever could.
Until the future.... my little puzzle piece.

August update

Dear Bennett,
Here I am, writing to you again. I've been in a weird place recently. I don't know what it is. I know I sort of touched upon this last post too. I don't really know how to feel or what to think. All I know is what I do feel and what I do think. I feel so many emotions.
I feel sad that you aren't here with your sister and brother and I. I feel sad that I'm missing out on this incredible little boy you are becoming. Missing out on your personality, your likes and dislikes, and your favorite activities. But I feel happy that you seem happy and that you have an amazing family around you that loves you and cares about you as I would. I feel nervous because I don't know how you really are, I can't be there for you, I can't pick you up and make you feel better. Although, I know you get this from your parents - or at least I hope and believe you do.
I honestly wanted what was best for you Bennett. And at the time, I wasn't that. I wasn't even that for your sister. I had no means to care for either of you. You deserved more, you deserved better, and frankly so did your sister. What it really came down to though was your protection. I felt Lailah was safe and I felt you wouldn't be. I just wanted to keep you safe.
I've always loved you. I think about you all the time. I'm going to keep posting about it so that you know how much I DO love you and how often I DO think about you.
I care so much about you. Everyday I wonder how you are, what you're doing, are you laughing right now? Are you having a fun day? Have you learned something new today? I wonder about you all the time and I hope that you're doing just perfect. I honestly don't know though, I don't know how you're doing. But I'm trying to hope for the best. I hope one day we can have a relationship and we can get to know each other and understand this whole situation better together.
I texted your mom last night, she sent me some pictures this morning. You look so much like your sister, I find it insane ! You can definitely tell that you and Lailah are siblings. <3

Daydreams

Dear Bennett,
This has been a bit of a difficult month on me when it comes to thinking of you. I've been feeling sad and all that comes with you not being here with me. I actually had a nightmare last week about our adoption and in my dream I was expecting. Right now I'm nowhere even near to being able to care for another child at all. I have your brother and sister here and I struggle to provide for them and I wish everyday that I could give them so much more. But the one thing I know I have enough of is love. I have so much love for you and both your siblings. I'm sorry that you're not here for me to show you how much I love you and think about you.
In this dream I ended up giving birth and losing another baby to adoption and I remember crying nearly the whole dream, barely getting myself to survive. I could never go through what I did with you again. I really hope that you're in an amazing home with amazing loving and kind parents. I hope that one day you won't hate me for feeling like I had to leave you with them. I hope that one day you'll be able to read all these blog posts and understand me just a little bit better. And I hope you will forgive me. And I hope you will know that there hasn't been a single day that goes by where I don't think of you and love you so much.
Sometimes I daydream about sitting on the floor with you and playing some blocks or with some cars. I dream about playing with little toy dinosaurs and rawring at each other. I daydream about all these things I am missing out on doing with you. It's hard on me, watching your brother grow, learn, and experience new things. It's hard because I missed all of these things with you. I feel angry at myself - mad that I should have tried harder to do anything I could have to kept you here with me. But every time I feel that way I try to figure out what I possibly could have done in order to have kept you back at that time. I come up empty. I feel like there is nothing I could have done. Especially since I was also trying to protect you.
I've gotten 3 pictures of you this month. One of just you, one with your mom, and one with someone I don't know. <3
<3 I love you and I miss you Bennett - forever