I got married.

Dear Bennett,
I got married this month! On the 22nd I married a man who saved my life when I met him around your 1st birthday. To tell you the truth, I was not handling your first birthday approaching very well at all. I had started visiting a party house frequently - drinking and getting high, doing crazy things, and passing out in showers/on the street. I couldn't even function throughout the day because of how depressed I was that I didn't have you. I hated myself for allowing you to be taken from me and adopted. I hated that I made that choice. I still do sometimes because it feels like torture not having you here with me where it certainly feels like you belong. I carried you within my body for 7 months, I felt every movement, every hiccup, every breath you took, and I took care of myself while pregnant with you so that you would have a great beginning to life. After you were born at 34 weeks - I even pumped breastmilk for you so that you could have the absolute best beginning that I could possibly give you. I pumped for the first 3-4 days (my memory is very foggy after I left the hospital) and I just remember your mom texting me telling me not to pump anymore and that they didn't need my milk for you - they were just going to use formula and that you should get used to that instead.
Looking back on that day I cry and cry hard because I would never have the strength of handing you over to your adoptive parents ever again as I did that day. I held you for 3 hours, I cooed at you, talked to you, cried over you, and stared at you the entire time as you switched back and forth between closing those little eyelashless eyes and glancing up at me in the most peaceful way. At one point when I first came down to the NICU nursery you were crying and crying and I walked over and spoke to you and as soon as you heard my voice you quieted and looked for me. I picked you up and you didn't make a single peep. You knew who I was and I feel like I betrayed you by allowing you to be adopted. If I ever went back in time I'd never be able to make the same choice that I had, again.
I miss you every day and no amount of times that I say that will change how my heart and soul feels. I'm literally missing you - you are missing from me.
My wedding was beautiful but it would have been even better had you been able to be there. I invited your parents, you, and your siblings but your mom had told me that you guys had started your school year and therefore couldn't attend. Even though, I doubt that would have been the way they'd have let us have our first visit. Your mom texted me on my wedding day with a text saying, "Happy Wedding!". I thanked her and sent her a couple photos, then told her I would message her in a few days. I ended up not being able to text back for about a week since I was in the hospital with viral meningitis but when I texted her I let her know why I hadn't texted as soon as I had hoped I could. I tried to make convo and ask how she was but I didn't get any response back after she told me I looked happy at the wedding. I hope that she just got caught up with you and your siblings that she was too busy to text me back. I also hope that I hear from her again soon... if not then I will be waiting another 2 weeks before reaching out to her and hoping that I can have some updated photos of you.

I miss you my little puzzle piece. <3