I have always loved you, always will.

Dear Bennett,
I had my FaceTime visit with you on January 21st. You were with your mom and dad in the car going to Sky Zone, which is a huge trampoline place. We have one up here as well, but I've never been yet. I hope to go one day, it looks like a lot of fun. You told me all about your favorite super heroes, lol like all of them haha. You thanked me for sending you the Jake and the Neverland Pirates ship toy.. you said you had a lot of fun playing with it. You were telling me in your sweet little voice that you have soooo many friends, too many friends, in fact - that you need more Bennett's! LOL More Bennett's to handle all the friends so you can play with them all, it was so sweet. Before going to Sky Zone your parents and you were stopping at McDonald's to eat - which you call "Old McDonald's". Our call lasted about 30 mins and that's about all that we could fit into the call. I was so happy to see you and talk to you.. you also saw your brother over on this side, Noel. Although, you don't know that he is your brother... we know. We can't wait for the day that you know that we exist and that we love you so so so much. Your sister, Lailah - she thinks about you and talks about you all the time. She wonders how you are, what you're doing, if you're enjoying your day, what you're like, and she hopes all the time that she'll be able to get to know you one day. She's never met you but she misses you more than she's ever missed anyone in her life. I miss you too. And one day when Noel is old enough, he will also miss you. Because, even though you have your parents and your siblings over there, we are your family too. We feel it in our heart, our bones, and our souls. We are missing you and we feel that with our entire beings. One day, hopefully we can have you in our lives... I love you, and I truly just wanted what was best for you. I don't know if all of this is what was/is best.. I don't know anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to keep you safe from the people that were in my life at that time in 2011 and that's what I did. You have parents that love you and you are safe from the people that were in my life that could have harmed you and influenced you in a very negative unsafe way... and my job as your mom at the time was to not think of myself at all and to think of your well being no matter what. I wanted you, I wanted you so entirely much. I even was collecting baby items up until 6 months pregnant so that I could bring you home... but at the end of the day, my love for you over came my WANT for you. I HAD to keep you safe, even if that meant destroying myself. I love you Bennett, always have and always will. I hope one day that you will understand and forgive me. <3