FIVE!!!

Dear Bennett, Your 5th birthday just passed by a couple days ago. On this day 5 years ago I made the last parental decision I would ever make for you, I signed a form making your parents your parents. I relinquished my rights. To this day it is still very difficult for me. It hurts so much inside that I don't have you here with us in our lives. I miss you, your sister misses you, and we mourn for you often still. I don't know if adoption was the right choice or not, at the time I felt like I couldn't be the mom you needed and I just wanted to keep you safe. I had so many people telling me over and over again that I couldn't be a good mom, that you deserved better than me, that I was already failing as a mom for your sister, and that I would be a terrible mom to keep you and try to parent you. I felt defeated and pathetic as a person. I lost faith in myself as not only a mom but a person too. I broke. I called the agency after my mom and I got in a fight. I didn't want to bring you into my life with her around and having so much control over me. I felt you didn't deserve that and that I couldn't keep you safe. I loved you always though, and I've never stopped. I don't think I ever could. I can't undo what has been done but I can write to you and let you know that I think about you often and I want what is best for you always. That you've never been forgotten. I will always be here for you when you want me to be, when you're ready one day. I contacted your mom on your birthday and I told her I wish you a wonderful birthday and a fun day. I also asked her to hug you tight for me.
I love you, forever and always.