Insane news.

Dear Bennett,
There is so much to catch up on. So much to say about where I am on this journey. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every single day, nearly all the time. I miss you more than I could ever tell you. I made a bold move the other day. I asked your mom if she feels I could ever visit you. I'll just post the screenshots of our convo here so that one day you can read exactly what happened for yourself.

She then sent me some pictures and a video of you rolling down a hill. You looked very happy and like you were having a blast. She told me about how you're such a boy and that when you play candy land the pieces aren't red, blue, green, and yellow but they're superman, batman, the green lantern, and robin!

So.... with this news I am feeling a lot of things. Excited, nervous, scared, and sort of sad and down. I feel excited because there is nothing more on this planet that I want more than being able to see you again and just hug you. I am feeling nervous because I don't know if this will fall through or not and I'm afraid to get my hopes up. Nervous for two reasons what if it falls through and what if it doesn't? If it does then I know it'll hurt and I'll feel disappointed - there's no escaping that. If it doesn't then that's a whole new ball game. I will be so unsure of what to do or what to say or if you'll even truly understand who I am. There's so much going on in my head about that. And sad and down because another 2/3 years is nearly double your current lifetime and so far it has been very difficult on me. I know this isn't about me but I can't stop how I feel and I can't end how endlessly I miss you. I fear that you won't understand the reasons I felt I must "choose" adoption for you. I fear that you won't accept me. I'm afraid that one day you'll hate me. But I hope everyday that you won't.
Just please know I've only ever wanted what was best for you and at the time I was convinced that I couldn't be that for you. I felt undeserving of you and like I wouldn't be able to be the mother that I wanted to be for you. I just wanted you to be safe and have everything you could ever want or need. I don't know if adoption did those things for you but what I do know is that you're loved. That they love you and care about you more than anything in the world. And I hope that continues. <3


I love you my little puzzle piece. Until next time..