Daydreams

Dear Bennett,
This has been a bit of a difficult month on me when it comes to thinking of you. I've been feeling sad and all that comes with you not being here with me. I actually had a nightmare last week about our adoption and in my dream I was expecting. Right now I'm nowhere even near to being able to care for another child at all. I have your brother and sister here and I struggle to provide for them and I wish everyday that I could give them so much more. But the one thing I know I have enough of is love. I have so much love for you and both your siblings. I'm sorry that you're not here for me to show you how much I love you and think about you.
In this dream I ended up giving birth and losing another baby to adoption and I remember crying nearly the whole dream, barely getting myself to survive. I could never go through what I did with you again. I really hope that you're in an amazing home with amazing loving and kind parents. I hope that one day you won't hate me for feeling like I had to leave you with them. I hope that one day you'll be able to read all these blog posts and understand me just a little bit better. And I hope you will forgive me. And I hope you will know that there hasn't been a single day that goes by where I don't think of you and love you so much.
Sometimes I daydream about sitting on the floor with you and playing some blocks or with some cars. I dream about playing with little toy dinosaurs and rawring at each other. I daydream about all these things I am missing out on doing with you. It's hard on me, watching your brother grow, learn, and experience new things. It's hard because I missed all of these things with you. I feel angry at myself - mad that I should have tried harder to do anything I could have to kept you here with me. But every time I feel that way I try to figure out what I possibly could have done in order to have kept you back at that time. I come up empty. I feel like there is nothing I could have done. Especially since I was also trying to protect you.
I've gotten 3 pictures of you this month. One of just you, one with your mom, and one with someone I don't know. <3
<3 I love you and I miss you Bennett - forever

You are Loved more than you know

Dear Bennett,
I miss you and I feel so alone in that. I feel so alone in my pain due to not having you with me. And nobody understands. I wanted what was best for you and I felt that I couldn't be that for you. I feel sorry and ashamed for calling the agency and not trying harder to find ways to keep you with me. I want to believe that you will grow up to be a very happy man in a very happy family. I want you to know how much I love you though and how much I think about you.
I often struggle with the "choice" I had to make, leaving you behind at that hospital. I wish you knew how difficult that was and still is for me. Only so maybe it would show you how much I love you and how badly I wish you could be here with me, that you were always wanted by me. And also by your big sister, Lailah.
I worry that you'll hate me, that you will feel unwanted by me and therefore never want to meet me. I fear that I will never get to embrace you in my arms ever again because you will be happy in your family and feel no need to meet me. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way - maybe these feelings I have shouldn't be here, but they are. I don't know how to get rid of them or how to stop the thoughts and wishes that fly through my head daily. I wish I didn't feel like I'm making this all about me and my pain in losing you when all I really wanted was to protect you. And as far as I know you are being that. You are being protected, loved, cherished, cared for, and given so much more than I could have given you at that time. Although, I believe deep in my heart that nobody could love you in the way I love you.
You lived within me once upon a time. I felt every little kick, squirm, and hiccup. I heard every heartbeat and watched you so intently on each ultrasound with happiness in my face. I was devastated when I felt I couldn't keep you. I let myself down and ultimately, I let you down. I'm sorry. I hope one day you will understand and forgive me.

You are loved so much Bennett, so much more than you know.
<3

Are you like me at all?

I recently got new pictures of you but only 2 of them were just you. The rest are with friends and family. I won't post the others on here because well, I don't even know who they are....

Slide and sandbox. Looks like you're having fun. :)






I have this pinky finger thing called Camptodactyly. It's when your pinki finger or multiple fingers are bent and they are difficult to straighten on their own or they don't. I have it in both pinkies and I can't straighten them. You sister Lailah has it on one hand. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's passed down - it's a gene. So, I've been curious as to if you also have it. But I haven't received any photos yet that may suggest that you do. So, I'll continue wondering if I passed this dominant gene to you as well.

I've found this recently. This is what I would have named you had I been able to keep you. When I seen it I instantly saved it because it reminded me of you. <3

Missing you

Dear Bennett,
I've been missing you a lot often and thinking about you all the time. I have also been talking about you and the situation I was in at the time everything happened to others - which I had stopped doing for a long while.
I don't really know the reason. It could possibly be because now I have your little brother and I am experiencing everything I didn't get to experience with you and that fills me with pain, regret, sadness, and anger. I wanted you and I'm angry and sad that I felt I couldn't keep you and raise you with our family. I honestly wanted what was best for you and I felt that I definitely wasn't that.
I feel very sad when I think about you because you're not here with me. I know that the whole thing isn't about me, it's about you. But atm I don't know how or what you will feel when you're older. I don't know if you'll forgive me and try to understand me or if you'll be angry at me and hurt that I gave you up. But either way, I want to express how sorry I am. I want you to know that I love you so much and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about you and missing you.
I want to know you. I want to be able to scoop you up into my arms and hug you. I want to tickle you and hear your giggle. I want to chase you around roaring as you run around frantically giggling and hiding on me. And I know that these wants I have will never happen and it's my own fault.
I couldn't keep you though. I don't know what I could have done to keep you. Everyday I beat myself up thinking about what I could have done differently or better, how I somehow could have been able to raise you. But my head goes around in circles and all of them end at not being able to keep you, not being able to give you and your sister the life you needed and deserved. I had no job, no support, no help, no car, no money, nothing. But what I did have is love.
My heart was so filled with love for you. I took that love and I attempted to do the only thing I felt I could do to protect you, to provide for you, to ensure your health and happiness. As your mother at birth I felt it was my duty to put how I felt aside (I WANTED to keep you). I convinced myself that my wants and desires were not as important as your health and safety. I just wanted to protect you and I was told and promised that adoption would do that.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if you will be happy with that hard decision I felt I had to make. I don't know anything about the future. But what I do know is that everyday I will keep on loving you. Your siblings will grow up loving you too.
Today Lailah asked me if I would be having more babies. I told her I didn't think so. I said, Having another baby would add another person to our family, do you feel we are missing that extra person? She responded with,

"No, I just feel like we're missing Bennett."

And she's right. We are missing you in so many ways. We are missing you with out hearts and we are missing you with our minds - but we are also missing you physically. We miss you, and I feel we always will.

We love you Bennett
Until the future <3

Reminding me of you.

Dear Bennett,
I've really been missing you lately. I don't know what's up but it's been hitting me pretty hard. The other day I was at Lailah's softball game. I was sitting on the grass watching her with Noel. A little boy, your age - 3, with blonde hair and blue eyes came to talk to me. He talked to me about dinosaurs and his dog. He was adorable. And in that moment I wanted to break down. It took all I had to smile and act like everything was ok, that I was okay. But truth is, that I wasn't. He reminded me of you and I'll never get to know the 3 yr old you. I'll never be able to talk the three yr old you about dinosaurs and pets. I'm sure your mom might tell me things you like or dislike, but I will never have those conversations with you. In that moment, I knew I had more of a relationship/friendship with this little boy who was just a stranger to me just minutes before  - than I have with you. And now he's welcoming me to his house and sharing his life stories with me. My heart was breaking that I would never share these moments with you.
I gave birth to you - I was in labor for 6 hours. After having you I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out as they took you from the room and everyone else filed out, leaving me alone. I fell asleep in my tears. I get this flashback all the time at random times throughout the day. I wish I could have just shouted "Give him to me! I change my mind! I change my mind!"
I felt weak and alone. I felt scared and threatened. I so badly wanted you but I felt that was never an option. And now I hurt everyday because you're not here with me. It's unnatural for you to be out there alive somewhere, and not be here with me. It's really confusing for my mind and my body.
I love you Bennett, I always have, I still do, and I always will. <3

I'll love you forever.

Dear Bennett,
Today your mom sent me a Mothers day video filled with videos of you. It made me cry. It was... bittersweet I guess. I miss you. I wish I could hug you and tell you over and over how much I miss you and love you.
You're growing up so fast and you're so handsome. Sometimes I see a lot of your sister in you, your big smile and even the way you sit sometimes reminds me of your sisters mannerisms. I feel like you look so much like my family - especially my mothers side, your grandmother. You're just so adorable. Your mom also sent me a video of you singing Happy Birthday to your aunt. Goodness, your voice is just precious.
It's crazy how many times I can listen to you say a few words over and over again, trying to memorize every detail I get about you. With your siblings I can get to know them and it's like every part of them becomes a part of me that I just know. But with you, I can't do that. And I spend so much times trying my hardest to remember every bit of you that I can. Crazy right?
I can't help it. I can't help remembering that you grew within me. That you grew under my heart and within my body and soul for 8 months. That I felt every little kick and squirm, that I felt every hiccup and punch. That I heard your very first cry as I pushed through the tremendous pain I felt to get you safely into this world. Sometimes it feels as if I'm still there in that delivery room - I relive it over and over.
I love and hate at the same time to remember the few hours I got to spend with you. The moments where I held you and sunk every little detail of your face and tiny hands into my brain. That I stared into those big eyelashless eyes that would blink up at me, recognising me as who had brought him into the world. I relish in remembering these moments with you because it's all I had.

If I were able to keep you, I'd have named you Destin. Destin Edone. (Pronounced Eden) Because you felt like my Destined One. Destined to be here, destined to be placed on this Earth, destined to come through me. Destined.

<3 I'll love you forever Bennett. Then, Now, and Always.

You've just turned 3!

Dear Bennett,
Your 3rd birthday passed by on the 15th of this month. It was a rough day for me and also rough the day before - remembering the labor I had with you and hearing your first cry. I missed you a lot and I kept wishing and wishing that I could see you just to give you a hug. I love you and I wish you could know that. I bought you a few puzzles to send to you and also the sweetest recorded book, for your birthday. I really hope your parents let you have them. I picked up the book while I was at a store and I started reading it, it literally made me cry and I just HAD to get it for you!
Your mom sent me a few pictures of you this month. I can't believe you're 3 already. It's insane that 3 years have passed since I've had you and to me it feels like a week or two ago. It's so fresh in my mind, the memories, my moments with you, and all my emotions. You are so grown up and adorable. You really look a lot like your uncle Brian, my brother. :) Your blonde hair is just like your sister and your eyes are just like your little brothers!
Speaking of your little brother, he will definitely grow up knowing who you are and seeing your pictures. I hope one day you can be good friends with your siblings. Lailah really loves you. She tells me all the time that she misses you, wants to see you, and that she loves you so much. I wish she could tell you that herself and for you to know who she is. Maybe one day she can and maybe then I can too. <3
Here are a couple pictures of you. You are just growing up so handsome! Your mom told me that you threw the first pitch of the season at the Clemson baseball game! How awesome is that?! You are definitely one special little boy!