I'll love you forever.

Dear Bennett,
Today your mom sent me a Mothers day video filled with videos of you. It made me cry. It was... bittersweet I guess. I miss you. I wish I could hug you and tell you over and over how much I miss you and love you.
You're growing up so fast and you're so handsome. Sometimes I see a lot of your sister in you, your big smile and even the way you sit sometimes reminds me of your sisters mannerisms. I feel like you look so much like my family - especially my mothers side, your grandmother. You're just so adorable. Your mom also sent me a video of you singing Happy Birthday to your aunt. Goodness, your voice is just precious.
It's crazy how many times I can listen to you say a few words over and over again, trying to memorize every detail I get about you. With your siblings I can get to know them and it's like every part of them becomes a part of me that I just know. But with you, I can't do that. And I spend so much times trying my hardest to remember every bit of you that I can. Crazy right?
I can't help it. I can't help remembering that you grew within me. That you grew under my heart and within my body and soul for 8 months. That I felt every little kick and squirm, that I felt every hiccup and punch. That I heard your very first cry as I pushed through the tremendous pain I felt to get you safely into this world. Sometimes it feels as if I'm still there in that delivery room - I relive it over and over.
I love and hate at the same time to remember the few hours I got to spend with you. The moments where I held you and sunk every little detail of your face and tiny hands into my brain. That I stared into those big eyelashless eyes that would blink up at me, recognising me as who had brought him into the world. I relish in remembering these moments with you because it's all I had.

If I were able to keep you, I'd have named you Destin. Destin Edone. (Pronounced Eden) Because you felt like my Destined One. Destined to be here, destined to be placed on this Earth, destined to come through me. Destined.

<3 I'll love you forever Bennett. Then, Now, and Always.

You've just turned 3!

Dear Bennett,
Your 3rd birthday passed by on the 15th of this month. It was a rough day for me and also rough the day before - remembering the labor I had with you and hearing your first cry. I missed you a lot and I kept wishing and wishing that I could see you just to give you a hug. I love you and I wish you could know that. I bought you a few puzzles to send to you and also the sweetest recorded book, for your birthday. I really hope your parents let you have them. I picked up the book while I was at a store and I started reading it, it literally made me cry and I just HAD to get it for you!
Your mom sent me a few pictures of you this month. I can't believe you're 3 already. It's insane that 3 years have passed since I've had you and to me it feels like a week or two ago. It's so fresh in my mind, the memories, my moments with you, and all my emotions. You are so grown up and adorable. You really look a lot like your uncle Brian, my brother. :) Your blonde hair is just like your sister and your eyes are just like your little brothers!
Speaking of your little brother, he will definitely grow up knowing who you are and seeing your pictures. I hope one day you can be good friends with your siblings. Lailah really loves you. She tells me all the time that she misses you, wants to see you, and that she loves you so much. I wish she could tell you that herself and for you to know who she is. Maybe one day she can and maybe then I can too. <3
Here are a couple pictures of you. You are just growing up so handsome! Your mom told me that you threw the first pitch of the season at the Clemson baseball game! How awesome is that?! You are definitely one special little boy!

"anniversary"

Dear Bennett,
Around this time 3 years ago I was in labor with you. I had gotten into a small car accident that put me into preterm labor at 32 weeks with you. It was so frightening. I was scared and panicking. I went to the ER and they were pretty sure you were going to come early. I sat in the hospital room alone for hours - nobody there with me. I didn't want you to come yet. I wasn't ready for you to leave me. I didn't know what else to do. I called your future parents and they hopped on a plane to come to your birth. But you didn't come. Not yet anyways. I met your mom and your dad and I saw them as nice people. When my labor stopped your parents went back to the state where they live - where you live currently (SC) and I went back home.
With the "anniversary" so to speak of all of this and your birthday coming up, I find myself struggling. I miss you. I am so sorry for feeling as if I couldn't keep you with me, that I was a bad mom if I would have kept you, that I didn't deserve you and that you deserved much better than me. I don't know if the result is what was best or not. But I do know that you are seemingly happy and bright. I hope you stay that way. I really wish I could hug you and just hold you in my arms again - snuggle you right up next to me. My little baby boy. I feel like I've lost you - but you're still living. It's really difficult for my mind to fully comprehend and accept. I can't reverse the past and I just wish I could have you here with me - how I feel it was meant to be.
I don't know how to feel. All I know is how I do feel. And I feel sad. I feel sad that I don't have you and that you're not here with me. I am happy that you are happy but I'm sad that I wasn't the reason you're happy.
I'll get through this. And all the years in the future - I'll get through them.
I hope one day you'll want to know me and hopefully we can form a relationship in someway. I hope to one day hug you again and that we never part.
I love you Bennett <3

This months picture update:
In the picture on the right you look so much like your Uncle Brian. Oh goodness, you do !! And in the picture on the left you have a Woody doll just like I did when I was a kid!! <3

Struggling

Dear Bennett,
I've been having a rough month - your 3rd Birthday is sneaking up on me. Around this time 3 years ago I was preparing to have you at any time. About a week from now I got into a small car accident which forced me into labor and I almost had you then. But my labor was stopped by the hospital at just 32 weeks. Although, you still came a couple weeks later at just 34 weeks. I don't know why this year feels so difficult to me. I don't know why it hurts to think about you being 3. Maybe because you're no longer baby at all. You're a child. You walk, run, talk, and shout. You have a personality and you have a good sense of who you are as a human. I've missed out on those years and I know I have so many more years of missing out on. I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be safe, happy, and perfectly well cared for. But I didn't stop to think about the mental and emotional effects that adoption could have on you. I wish I had. I don't know how you will turn out. I have no idea if you'll even want to know me. And that is scary for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to know you and maybe when you're older you'll also believe that I don't deserve to know you.

MY ELMO! Christmas FT visit.

Dear Bennett,
I got to see you yesterday. :) Your parents called me and we had a FaceTime visit ! I was happy to be able to see you right before Christmas. Although you aren't here with me I carry you in my heart and in my soul. You're a part of me and I can never move on from that or forget it. I love you and I've loved you from the moment that I laid eyes on that very first photo of you on the u/s machine. <3

I crocheted you an Elmo hat and you LOVED it !! I was so happy to see your reaction! You grabbed it and went, "ELMO!! MY Elmo!!!" Your whole face lit up and tears came to my eyes. I am so glad that I can do little things to bring you happiness and joy even though we are many miles apart.

You're still little, so after opening your gift you just wanted to run around or watch Thomas the train on your Ipad. You did build up some blocks for me and knocked them down. :) Your mom told me some stories about you - which I love hearing about. I love learning about what happens in your world.

Your mom told me about the Christmas program that you had a few nights before. You were so happy and proud to be up on that stage but you were too shy to sing. But your face was lit up and you were smiling proudly !
She also told me about how you have an Elf on the shelf that came by to watch you this month so he or she can report back to Santa!! I guess this little elf has been causing some mischief. Your mom told me that he piled up toilet paper all in the doorway to your room and you had to get a mister bear to help you knock them down ! :) She told me that you have a silly sense of humor and told her, "Bennett did that!" Even though the silly elf did. :p

Now - some heavy news. I had you a little brother last Tuesday. I've named him Noel. :)  In light of the Christmas season. He reminds me of you a lot. I hope one day you can understand that I went on to have another child or children because I had to keep living. I love you and I miss you more than you could ever possibly know and I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could be more for you. I wish so many things when it comes to you but those wishes can't come true. I can't rewind time and make things work - as much as I want to and wish I could. Time doesn't seem to work like that. Now, just because I've had Noel doesn't mean I love you any less than I did - just like I told your sister a few days ago. I love you all the same amount. I still love you and Lailah - I just love Noel too now. I will always love all of you. Every single one of you is a light in my life that helps me to be the best person I know how to be. I aim to be a better version of myself everyday because of each one of you. Please understand one day - or make the attempt.
Please know that I DO love you dear Bennett.
Now and forever always, I love you my little puzzle piece.

Dear Bennett,
Lailah and I got to see you today ! She misses you even though she hardly knows you. It's like she knows in her heart that you're a part of us. She was looking at pictures of you a week or so ago and she said, "Mommy, I wish we could live with Bennett. He's so cute and I like him." - All while whimpering about how much she loves and misses you. It broke my heart. She knows that all I wanted was the best for both of you and when you grow up I hope in my heart everyday that you will too. When we reunite I will be here with open arms - for any day or any time that you need me. I've been reading about how some adoptees feel fear upon reuniting. I mean, I'm sure it's strange - someone you hardly know loving you so entirely much. You're a huge piece to my heart and I can't imagine not loving you as much as I do. I will not pressure you but I do want you to know I will always be here for you.
So, back to the video. :p You were pricelessly adorable. Seeing your face brightens my whole week. Your voice is so comforting for me to hear, knowing you are safe, you're okay, and that you're healthy and learning ! It means the world to me to find relief by seeing you, hearing you, and watching you play. At first you sat with your parents and then you got down and you got a little worked up over not being able to find your cars for your play mat. It was too cute lol. But you quickly got over it. You found a ball and you kicked it a couple times, then ran around looking for something else to do. Then you got your Ipad and put Chuggington on - when your mom asked your what you were watching you said, "Chugg Chugg". <3 I did get a couple "Hi"'s with some waves and a "Bye" before ending the call. But you were pretty content watching your show and just wanted to say what you were asked to and continue watching lol. You don't really know who Lai and I are yet and that's okay, but we know you - we will never forget you.
Until next time my little puzzle piece.
<3 Mommy.

Got an update on you 9-11-13

Dear Bennett,
Last night I got an update on you. I texted your mom and asked if I could have some new pictures of you. She sent me some at midnight. It was so great to see how much you've grown in the past month and a half. I wish I could explain how much I've missed you but it's beyond words. Everyday I miss you so much that it hurts. Everyday you are in my thoughts and I wish well for you. I've been told that you've been learning a lot more words and that you really love books, your Ipad, and any sport that involves a ball. :) Such a handsome little boy who before I know it will be all grown up and hopefully standing in front of me. I ache for the day where I can wrap my arms around you and hold you again - even if for just a moment. I know nothing will be the same and that we won't be able to just pick up and pretend none of this happened. I really want a relationship with you. I want to get to know you and be there for you if you need me or want me. I just want to be a part of your life and be someone you feel you can count on. I am so sorry because I know that that will probably be difficult for you given our circumstance. But please do know that all I ever wanted was what was best for you, I wanted to protect you, and I have constantly loved you since the moment I first found out you were growing within me. When I first saw your heart flickering on that screen I felt completely blessed. Your name would have been Destin. If you'd have remained with me. Destin Edone (pronounced Eden). Because I felt, you were my Destined One.
I love you Bennett. More than words can describe.
Many years to go - but I'm going to keep writing and wait for the day we meet again.
<3 Your mommy.