Got an update on you 9-11-13

Dear Bennett,
Last night I got an update on you. I texted your mom and asked if I could have some new pictures of you. She sent me some at midnight. It was so great to see how much you've grown in the past month and a half. I wish I could explain how much I've missed you but it's beyond words. Everyday I miss you so much that it hurts. Everyday you are in my thoughts and I wish well for you. I've been told that you've been learning a lot more words and that you really love books, your Ipad, and any sport that involves a ball. :) Such a handsome little boy who before I know it will be all grown up and hopefully standing in front of me. I ache for the day where I can wrap my arms around you and hold you again - even if for just a moment. I know nothing will be the same and that we won't be able to just pick up and pretend none of this happened. I really want a relationship with you. I want to get to know you and be there for you if you need me or want me. I just want to be a part of your life and be someone you feel you can count on. I am so sorry because I know that that will probably be difficult for you given our circumstance. But please do know that all I ever wanted was what was best for you, I wanted to protect you, and I have constantly loved you since the moment I first found out you were growing within me. When I first saw your heart flickering on that screen I felt completely blessed. Your name would have been Destin. If you'd have remained with me. Destin Edone (pronounced Eden). Because I felt, you were my Destined One.
I love you Bennett. More than words can describe.
Many years to go - but I'm going to keep writing and wait for the day we meet again.
<3 Your mommy.

I'm sorry.

Dear Bennett,
I haven't written you in a while. I found out shortly before your 2nd birthday that I am expecting a baby brother or sister for you and Lailah ! This may not sound like good news to you and you may very well get angry at me one day for it. I need you to know that I am in a different place than I was when I had you and that I don't have people in my ear convincing me that I can not parent and that I am not a good mother. I will admit to you that I was weak and I felt broken and that I must have allowed others to take advantage of me in that hormonal state. I WANTED you. I so badly wanted you. I couldn't even think about adoption until further along (around 6.5 months) into my pregnancy and even then I bawled my eyes out just wanting to do what I was told would be BEST for you. I love you, I have always loved you, I will continue loving you. I want to take full responsibility for the placement of you into your family, but since I am trying to heal - I can not do that. I was trapped in a position where I didn't have any other choices, I was made to feel that I didn't have any other choices. Where I was living threatened to kick us out and abandon us, your sister wasn't even living with me at the time either, I didn't have my parents support, and your natural 'father' - he was not a good guy. I felt alone, scared, hopeless, and I just wanted to protect you! You are my son and I was told that adoption was the 'best' thing, the 'perfect solution'. I let people into my head during my most vulnerable time, and I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything you may feel towards me or any anger, sadness, frustrations, whatever it is you may feel - I apologize. I never intended any pain for you if that has happened. I think of you everyday and I wish that you will grow up happy, healthy, and knowing that you are loved by so many people. At the moment my brain has shut down - emotional overload or something. I will be writing again. Until we meet again, I love you.
Love, your Mom.

2nd birthday emotions

April 14th -
At this time 2 years ago, I had been in labor for about for about 2-3 hours now. I was sitting in a hospital alone and awaiting the arrival of a beautiful little boy whom I knew I wouldn't even get to name. My mom and at the time bf Mark came about a half hour- 45 mins before I was to deliver. At 12:24 am on the 15th my son came into this reality and took his very first breath. The nurses cleaned him up, then showed him to me quickly before taking him to the NICU nursery. My mom and Mark then left me. I cried for hours alone until I fell asleep in my pain knowing that soon I would have to make the choice to allow another couple to parent and take my baby. The wound is not healed and I don't believe it ever will be. But a mother must sacrifice to do what is best for her child/children even when it is not what is best for herself, no? Some feel that the decision I made was not what was best for Bennett - but I will stay firm in my beliefs that he deserved better than what I could provide and Lailah deserved a mother who could get on her feet. I'm still not perfect but I have come a long way. I am ready for whatever obstacles come my way. I have the best people surrounding me and I am a good mother. Although, at the end of the day - only other natural first mothers will understand my pain when I say that Bennett is missed and that I love him.

April 15th -
12:24 am, April 15th. Happy birthday Bennett <3 Imy.

One of my little puzzle pieces.

Dear Bennett,
I miss you. I say this all the time but it just seems I can't say it enough. I can't undo what's been done and I can't go back in time to hold you one last time. Dreams will never suffice. Everyday you're in my thoughts, every moment you're in my heart. Every second I miss you more than the second before - I never knew that to be possible before I knew you. A part of me is empty and I imagine the day you re-enter my life and I try to hold onto that warm feeling that takes my breath away and leaves tears in my eyes. Until I can hold you in my arms again.. I'll be with you in spirit and with you in love. Until that day, I'll remain incomplete. One of my little puzzle pieces, you are. ♥

You belong here.

Dear Bennett,

I miss you a lot today. There's nothing I can do to fix this. I've done the best I could and I hope one day you truly understand. I love you and always will. I hope you save a spot in your heart for me, you have a large place in mine. Nothing will cure the guilt I feel everyday. Nothing can take away the empty pained place in my heart and nothing can fill it either. You belong there. Until the future... I place a bandage over it and I claim to be okay. I'm not. I lie to everyone when I say, "I'm fine." I must be really good at playing pretend. Then again, I always have been. You will never, ever, ever be forgotten. My love for you is overwhelming.

Sincerely,
Mommy. ♥

I miss you.

Dear Bennett,

I really miss you today. I was around a lot of 1-2 year olds today and I was reminded of you so much. Even though you're so far away you're always on my mind. Your sister asks about you, you know... she doesn't really understand yet but she asks if you're okay and if you're doing well with your mommy and daddy. I love you both more than anything on this earth and every step in the positive right direction, I do it for you both. All that keeps flashing in my mind from emotion is, "I miss him so so much." I wish I could wake up everyday to your sweet smile and hear your precious laugh. I'm sorry.. for not being enough for you at the time, I'm sorry for the decision I made, even though I feel it was the best one I could have made at that time. I know, I know.. the BEST thing for a baby is to be with their mother... and I'm sorry.. I've been feeling very guilty recently, like I abandoned you... but I need you to know, I never ever intended that.. I know you're just a baby right now and you don't really know (or maybe you do, idk). But from what I know is you are a very very happy, loving, and bouncing baby.. and I am so happy that you are doing well. You mean so much to me, I love you.

<3 Mommy

Written while in the 'fog'.

Dear Bennett,
Today You are 1 year 25 days, 19 hours, and 54 mins old. But who's counting? I love you. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking of you and wondering how you are. Even though I know you're great ! One day I hope we'll reunite and that you'll be able to understand and love me back. I'm afraid of that day, honestly. I'm afraid of your thoughts towards me, but I guess that's only human. Mothers are just human too you know. :] There is nothing more I want for you than for you to follow your happy dreams wherever they take you. I really hope you have that amazing life I could have only dreamed up for you. You mean so so so so much to me. Sometimes I wonder what ifs but I know that this was the best decision I ever could have made for you. You are becoming such a big boy ! I bet you are so smart. You're so happy from what I can tell. You have the biggest, happiest face in the world in every single photo I've received ! With every photo I become increasingly proud of you and I know I will continue doing so on this journey. You're so handsome and precious. I can't imagine this any other way. You are where you are meant to be. They deserve you and you deserve them. Every coincidence pointed me in their direction. They were calling for you and I was their answer. They were calling for a sweet baby to love and nurture. I answered because I knew and I know, that you deserve so much more than what I can offer.
One day... and until then little one.
Keep smiling.