I'm sorry.

Dear Bennett,
I haven't written you in a while. I found out shortly before your 2nd birthday that I am expecting a baby brother or sister for you and Lailah ! This may not sound like good news to you and you may very well get angry at me one day for it. I need you to know that I am in a different place than I was when I had you and that I don't have people in my ear convincing me that I can not parent and that I am not a good mother. I will admit to you that I was weak and I felt broken and that I must have allowed others to take advantage of me in that hormonal state. I WANTED you. I so badly wanted you. I couldn't even think about adoption until further along (around 6.5 months) into my pregnancy and even then I bawled my eyes out just wanting to do what I was told would be BEST for you. I love you, I have always loved you, I will continue loving you. I want to take full responsibility for the placement of you into your family, but since I am trying to heal - I can not do that. I was trapped in a position where I didn't have any other choices, I was made to feel that I didn't have any other choices. Where I was living threatened to kick us out and abandon us, your sister wasn't even living with me at the time either, I didn't have my parents support, and your natural 'father' - he was not a good guy. I felt alone, scared, hopeless, and I just wanted to protect you! You are my son and I was told that adoption was the 'best' thing, the 'perfect solution'. I let people into my head during my most vulnerable time, and I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything you may feel towards me or any anger, sadness, frustrations, whatever it is you may feel - I apologize. I never intended any pain for you if that has happened. I think of you everyday and I wish that you will grow up happy, healthy, and knowing that you are loved by so many people. At the moment my brain has shut down - emotional overload or something. I will be writing again. Until we meet again, I love you.
Love, your Mom.