I found courage to ask to open the adoption

 I texted your mom asking her to open the adoption - of course with no response, as usual. I really miss you and it’s killing me that I don’t know how you are. I just wish I could be in your life and know you. I’m awaiting the day until I get to know you, and I know one day you’ll look for me. I love you, always. 

Adoption triad blanket and a dream

 3-4 days ago I had a dream. 

I was holding you. You were a baby. I was allowed to be in your life as I was promised, but I wasn’t allowed to tell you who or what I was to you - your first mother. 

I woke up feeling sad and wanting to go back to sleep to spend more time with you. 

Since then I’ve been having consistent flashbacks, memories to the moment where I was sitting in the hospital bed and real and consistent hard contractions hit. Labor started and it wasn’t just labor for me - it was the end and the beginning. Fear flooded my body and it wasn’t just fear of having to give birth. It was the fear knowing what the next couple days would bring - having to leave that hospital without my you. The scariest thing that a mother could possibly imagine. Going home empty handed. 

Yet, my story is a bit different than most mothers who go home empty handed because you were alive and well. But I was young, poor, uneducated, and pressured by many others into a lifelong torture chamber called adoption. 

I was “promised” for months by your mom and dad that you would grow up knowing me, I would “be like family”, and that we would have an open adoption. 

It’s been 9.5 years since that day and here I am with a closed adoption. You not knowing me. Never even knowing you’re  adopted. 

About a month ago I found a blanket/swaddle company that I’ve been purchasing through. They’re releasing a new pattern soon - the adoption triad symbol. At first, I was very triggered and hurt by this. But now I’m thinking I’ll have one made for you and send it to your mom to give to you. Worse that’ll happen is she won’t give it to you. Best that could happen is she feels obligated to give it to you and you asks her what it means and it possibly opens our adoption ? One can dream ... right?

Almost a decade already

Dear Bennett,
Your birthday came and went and you’re now 9! Goodness, I can’t believe almost ten years have gone by already. I wish I had all these great words for you but I have the typical - I miss you, I love you, and I wish I could be there so that you know you’re loved by so many more than just your family but my whole family too. There isn’t a day that goes by where you aren’t brought up and talked about in our home. We wish the world for you.
I reached out to your mom again on your birthday and she responded back. She sent me around 20 pictures of you.

Sending you lots of love and big hugs. 💗 I love you. 

Pandemic worries

There’s a pandemic going on. It’s pretty bad. I’ve been really worried for you, as have your siblings. Noel the other day said you were his top concern and that he wishes he could know you to know that you’re well. We all wish to know you every single day.
I sent your mom a text but I didn’t hear back from her. It’s been almost a month now and nothing. :/ I wish I knew you were safe and healthy like I was promised she would do.
We all miss you so much.
And love you. 💖

Thinking of you a lot, I love you

Dear Bennett,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
I am feeling so disappointed that it's been almost 9 years and that I still haven't been allowed to know you or meet you. I don't even think you know you're adopted or that I exist yet, which crushes me.
I remember being promised that we would have an open adoption, that I would "be like family", and that I would get to be in your life. I wish so badly that I wasn't lied to to the point of believing your aparents so that I would have kept you. It would have been difficult, I know, but at least I would have you and you'd know us.
It's Feb which I'm pretty sure is when I first reached out to the agency and spoke to your aparents, which is always a tough time period for me. Your mom fed me a story about how she had cancer and couldn't ever have children, she cried on the phone begging me to be her savior and to please let her have a family - by letting her take you from me. I remember after the phone call with your aparents, the agency guilted and shamed me for me telling them I was unsure if I could go through with it. I was told that I was a horrible person for having got your amoms hopes up and how dare I give her false hope and then rip it away from her. I remember feeling so scared, alone, and devastated. I wanted nothing more to keep you but I just had no support and without any support I had no idea how I could even begin to fathom keeping you when I had no money, no job, and no home. If I could go back in time I would do absolutely anything in my power to have been able to take you home with me... but I can't, I can only move forward without you and pray for the day that you may one day want to know me. It's been almost 10 years... next year will make 10 years that I've lived without you, and not a single day has passed where it hasn't haunted me. God, I was so weak and I allowed people to prey on me and take you from me. I wish I had better strength. But I know that your family is your family now, and that you love them. I hope though that one day you can open your heart to be loved by me and your siblings on this side too. We love you and every single day I will continue to think of you.

One day, right?

Dear Bennett,
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to move forward. I'm scared. I'm so afraid that I'll never get to know you, or that you're having to endure a hard life and that you'll hate me. I want what is best for you and I have no control over your life at all. I so badly wish that I could know you, that your siblings could know you. We think about you and miss you a lot.

Back on September 11th, I texted your mom after having not heard back from her at all since our phone call, "Hey Liz! I've been thinking of yo all and especially hoping that you'll all be safe from the hurricane that'll be hitting. I know you're further inland so I hope it won't be so bad if it reaches you. (hearts emoji) sending love."
That was my attempt at using the weather as an excuse to check in to see if I was being ignored (I sent 2 texts before that one asking if she had an update) or if something could be wrong. But she texted back on September 15th, 4 days later, - " Hey Rachael! We are doing well here! Rain and high winds are expected tonight, bt all has been calm. I've had my best friend and her family staying with me all week because they live on the coast, so its been a little crazy here. She has 2 boys the same age as Bennett and the twins. Boy crazy around here, but very entertaining! I hope you all are doing well and will be safe up there! Sending lots of love!"
I responded a couple hours later, "I'm glad for you that it's not so bad. I hope your friends home will be safe for return. (heart emoji) We're doing well here, it's been raining the past week but that's normal around this time of year. I know you've been really busy, things sound so hectic! I'm sorry to bring it up but it's been killing me - I have to ask if you decided to hold off on telling Bennett? If you did, I understand. I get it. It's not on easy thing and you've had a lot going on. It's been 9 weeks since we've talked on the phone. I just need to know what's been decided so I don't feel like I'm left hanging unsure of where things are at or what to expect. I hope you understand ad can find the time to tell me. I hope to talk to you soon. (3 heart emojis).
September 21st, 6 days later, I texted again: "Hey Liz. I'm going to write you a letter as well as this text. Based on no update or reply from you I'm going to assume you've decided not to tell Bennett or open the adoption and you just haven't found the heart to tell me. I understand that it must be difficult for you. I've decided that I have to close the adoption and all contact. When you're ready to tell Bennett and for us to have contact please email me at (my email) and I'll be there for him, always. I just - I can't handle this - up and down roller coaster ride anymore. Sometimes you reply, sometimes you don't, sometimes I get pictures, sometimes I don't, sometimes I get an update, sometimes I don't. I have no control or power over any of this, I'm powerless. And often it's triggering emotionally. I'm sorry. When you're ready, please let Bennett know I love him very much and that all I ever ever tried to do is love and protect him. That I tried best I could for him. I held on for 7.5 years and that when he's ready please let him know I'm sorry and I love him. I'll always be available for him. I'll send a letter for you and a letter for Bennett. Until then - always sending you love and thinking of you all.

I've been contemplating sending a letter to your mom that was written by Joe Sall - he's an adoptee, a psychotherapist, and an author who writes books regarding adoption trauma and healing. He wrote me a up a letter that he can send to me if I decide. I believe I'll have him send the letter and I'll mail it out when I receive the answer on whether I should send it out or not. Maybe I'll send it along with a letter for you and her.
I probably will send it because at this point, what harm could it do? What could be worse than having no contact and never knowing if you'll even find out you're adopted or about me? Or maybe I'll text your mom again just sending her my blog or something, Idk. Idk what to do.
I have been lead to believe, based on studies I've read, and adoptees I've spoken to that the best thing for you is for you to know you're adopted, know about me, and have contact with me. I want that for all of us.
I love you so much. I wish I could hold you and show you that.
<3 One day... right? I've got to keep hoping.

Feeling disappointed.

Dear Bennett,

They're like a hazel green <3

I miss you a lot. I thought that I might be able to meet you this year but I think your mom changed her mind. On July 5th of this year your mom texted me. She sent me some photos of you and for the first time in 7 years, I know your eye color. I've been wanting to know your whole life but I never got clear enough or close enough up photos to know.. and I was always scared to ask, I felt that it would be weird or something, so I've been waiting.
I had told her that I had a lot on my mind and I would like to talk to her (which took an incredible amount of courage from me which took several months to build). She asked me if I would like her to call me, I said yes. After a couple hours - after putting you and your brothers to bed, she called me.

This screenshot has names whited
out because I put it in your photo
album on my FB.

We had what I felt to be a very sincere, open, vulnerable conversation. We both poured out heart out to each other and we both cried. I felt like we were becoming closer and that it was a good thing for us and ultimately you. I told her about what I had been experiencing with missing you and wanting to know you. She told me how she was afraid to hurt your heart. But ultimately she told me she would would be telling you soon that you're adopted and she had told me to expect a call from you in a couple weeks to ask me questions you might have or to just talk to me. We got off the phone after a few hours and I felt so much relief. I felt like my heart wasn't as heavy as I felt it previously was. But I was still cautious and nervous based on my past interactions with your mom.
It's now August 28th - it's been almost 2 months now and I haven't heard from your mom since. On August 7th, I reached out to your mom asking her how you all are and if there's an update but I haven't received an update at all. I feel so hurt and disappointed. I just really wanted to know you and for you to know me and your siblings over here. Noel often tells me that he wishes to know you and that he's sad you're not here. Lailah asks me often how you are and if you're happy. They both ask me when they can know you, but I don't have any answers for them.

I had nightsmares the other day where I missed you so much that I cried and cried and cried during my dreams and then I woke up crying multiple times. I miss you and all I ever wanted to do was to keep you safe and to show I loved you and I would do anything to protect you but I worry that you won't ever see that. You'll just see that you were "given away" and that I wasn't there for you. I hope so much that you will understand one day.
I love you so much and not a day passes where you're not on my mind,
until the future, my little puzzle piece..