3-4 days ago I had a dream.
I was holding you. You were a baby. I was allowed to be in your life as I was promised, but I wasn’t allowed to tell you who or what I was to you - your first mother.
I woke up feeling sad and wanting to go back to sleep to spend more time with you.
Since then I’ve been having consistent flashbacks, memories to the moment where I was sitting in the hospital bed and real and consistent hard contractions hit. Labor started and it wasn’t just labor for me - it was the end and the beginning. Fear flooded my body and it wasn’t just fear of having to give birth. It was the fear knowing what the next couple days would bring - having to leave that hospital without my you. The scariest thing that a mother could possibly imagine. Going home empty handed.
Yet, my story is a bit different than most mothers who go home empty handed because you were alive and well. But I was young, poor, uneducated, and pressured by many others into a lifelong torture chamber called adoption.
I was “promised” for months by your mom and dad that you would grow up knowing me, I would “be like family”, and that we would have an open adoption.
It’s been 9.5 years since that day and here I am with a closed adoption. You not knowing me. Never even knowing you’re adopted.
About a month ago I found a blanket/swaddle company that I’ve been purchasing through. They’re releasing a new pattern soon - the adoption triad symbol. At first, I was very triggered and hurt by this. But now I’m thinking I’ll have one made for you and send it to your mom to give to you. Worse that’ll happen is she won’t give it to you. Best that could happen is she feels obligated to give it to you and you asks her what it means and it possibly opens our adoption ? One can dream ... right?
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