Dear Bennett,
We've entered the 6th year of your birth month. I've been trying hard to avoid thinking about this time period 6 years ago but sometimes it feels difficult. I think about you often and I think about all the incredible things I want for you in your life as if I could manifest them into your reality.
I recently heard back from your mom - after not hearing from her for 6 long months. 6 months may not seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things, but for me it felt like a very long time. During those 6 months I worried about you and your family and hoped that you were all alright. I had no way of checking or being sure that you were safe.
My brain would freak out sometimes and panic: what if you were in a car accident, a house fire, what if there were a gas leak?! How would I know?! I tried to keep myself calm and collected and just hold onto the belief that you were safe and okay.
When your mom finally reached back out to me, it was like a huge weight was lifted and I could breathe again. You're safe.
Your mom showed me some pictures of you that she took during your trip to the Football Hall of Fame in Atlanta. She told me that you had a blast and that you really enjoyed the trip. That makes my heart sing. I'm so happy to know that you're experiencing pleasant joyful times.
I miss you all the time, and so do your siblings. Lailah misses you an awful lot and she asks about you from time to time. She wishes that you lived closer so that she could know you and share experiences with you. Noel asks about you as well and he refers to you as his brother. He asks often if he can play with you and when he can meet you. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for them.
I asked your mom when you were 3 if we could meet you, but she said you didn't yet know you were adopted and she wants it to be special for everyone - including you. She told me that she would be telling you around age 5 or 6. This year is when you turn 6.
I don't know if you know you're adopted or not, I don't know when or if we will be able to reunite with you. But we miss you more than we could explain to you.
I regret that I gave up on myself as a person and as a mother. I regret that I felt so terrible about myself that I believed I couldn't be good enough for you as a mother, that you deserved better than me. I wish I had more strength at that time to have kept you with us, and not have torn our family apart. I hate that I can't go back and rewind time, I can't change anything, all I can do is be hopefully for our futures.
I hope that one day you'll want to know us and that we will be able to work everything out if that is what you too desire. We are here for you whenever you're ready and we love you.
I love you, Bennett, my little puzzle piece.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Sunday, July 17, 2016
I still miss you.
For the past few months I've been ok. But then tonight it hit me like a large wave crashing into the shore. It shook my entire being and devoured me whole, knocking me to the ground.
I'm angry that nobody was there for me. That nobody gave me faith in my ability to parent you. I'm angry that I was so weak.
I'm sad that you aren't here for me to stare at in the way I do my other children. Stare at while the love in my heart expands beyond imaginable, overflowing my being, causing my eyes to well up in tears.
The first and last time I ever got to experience that with you was soon after you were born. I'm sad that you're not here to grow along side your siblings. That I can't watch you morph into the man you will become. It hurts. Every day it hurts. Some days, like tonight - are worse than others.
Recently it's been tolerable but the pain doesn't just go away. I miss you I'm in tears as I write this out because there's nothing I can do but to experience this pain washing over me and accept that nothing can change.
I'm angry that nobody was there for me. That nobody gave me faith in my ability to parent you. I'm angry that I was so weak.
I'm sad that you aren't here for me to stare at in the way I do my other children. Stare at while the love in my heart expands beyond imaginable, overflowing my being, causing my eyes to well up in tears.
The first and last time I ever got to experience that with you was soon after you were born. I'm sad that you're not here to grow along side your siblings. That I can't watch you morph into the man you will become. It hurts. Every day it hurts. Some days, like tonight - are worse than others.
Recently it's been tolerable but the pain doesn't just go away. I miss you I'm in tears as I write this out because there's nothing I can do but to experience this pain washing over me and accept that nothing can change.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
I'm sorry
Dear Bennett,
I'm sorry that I hadn't sent you anything for your birthday this year, we've been struggling pretty bad financially. We got our own first apartment back in January and it's been really difficult money wise. I've been washing a lot of our clothing in the bathtub and hanging them to dry on the line I made out on the porch. We couldn't even do much for Lailah's birthday because we just can't afford it. We went to dinner and that was it. We live paycheck to paycheck. I was working but recently quit because my depression is pretty bad when I work, it's difficult for me to function properly. So Justin is working full time on over nights. It's difficult but well worth it for me to be able to stay home with Lailah and Noel. I function really well when I am not working. It's just that we are pretty poor. I hope that you understand one day. Just because I can't afford to send you a bunch of gifts doesn't mean that I don't love or care about you. I do, very very much. <3 I think about you often and I hope that you're growing and thriving well. I believe your parents are doing an exceptional job at raising and caring for you. At least I truly hope that they are.
I love you
I'm sorry that I hadn't sent you anything for your birthday this year, we've been struggling pretty bad financially. We got our own first apartment back in January and it's been really difficult money wise. I've been washing a lot of our clothing in the bathtub and hanging them to dry on the line I made out on the porch. We couldn't even do much for Lailah's birthday because we just can't afford it. We went to dinner and that was it. We live paycheck to paycheck. I was working but recently quit because my depression is pretty bad when I work, it's difficult for me to function properly. So Justin is working full time on over nights. It's difficult but well worth it for me to be able to stay home with Lailah and Noel. I function really well when I am not working. It's just that we are pretty poor. I hope that you understand one day. Just because I can't afford to send you a bunch of gifts doesn't mean that I don't love or care about you. I do, very very much. <3 I think about you often and I hope that you're growing and thriving well. I believe your parents are doing an exceptional job at raising and caring for you. At least I truly hope that they are.
I love you
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
You graduated Pre-K
Today I woke up to text message from your mom. She sent me some photo of you fro your Pre-K graduation! I can't believe you're already almost in Kindergarten. Its crazy how fast time has gone by already. It's a strange surreal feeling really - it feels like time has gone so fast but so slowly at the same time.
I can't believe how much you look like me. You're like a mini male version of me. You and Lailah look sooo much alike too, since you both look so much like me. Thinking about it makes me feel quite emotional.
I wish I could have been there to have watched you walk that stage. Maybe one day I will be able to. Maybe high school or college I'll be allowed to be there and cheer on your accomplishments. I really hope that one day I can be there to watch you and encourage all your success. <3
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it too. Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small, and each road leads you where you want to go. <3
<3 keep your head high and keep one foot in front of the other <3
I love you
Sunday, April 17, 2016
FIVE!!!
I love you, forever and always.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
I have always loved you, always will.
Dear Bennett,
I had my FaceTime visit with you on January 21st. You were with your mom and dad in the car going to Sky Zone, which is a huge trampoline place. We have one up here as well, but I've never been yet. I hope to go one day, it looks like a lot of fun. You told me all about your favorite super heroes, lol like all of them haha. You thanked me for sending you the Jake and the Neverland Pirates ship toy.. you said you had a lot of fun playing with it. You were telling me in your sweet little voice that you have soooo many friends, too many friends, in fact - that you need more Bennett's! LOL More Bennett's to handle all the friends so you can play with them all, it was so sweet. Before going to Sky Zone your parents and you were stopping at McDonald's to eat - which you call "Old McDonald's". Our call lasted about 30 mins and that's about all that we could fit into the call. I was so happy to see you and talk to you.. you also saw your brother over on this side, Noel. Although, you don't know that he is your brother... we know. We can't wait for the day that you know that we exist and that we love you so so so much. Your sister, Lailah - she thinks about you and talks about you all the time. She wonders how you are, what you're doing, if you're enjoying your day, what you're like, and she hopes all the time that she'll be able to get to know you one day. She's never met you but she misses you more than she's ever missed anyone in her life. I miss you too. And one day when Noel is old enough, he will also miss you. Because, even though you have your parents and your siblings over there, we are your family too. We feel it in our heart, our bones, and our souls. We are missing you and we feel that with our entire beings. One day, hopefully we can have you in our lives... I love you, and I truly just wanted what was best for you. I don't know if all of this is what was/is best.. I don't know anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to keep you safe from the people that were in my life at that time in 2011 and that's what I did. You have parents that love you and you are safe from the people that were in my life that could have harmed you and influenced you in a very negative unsafe way... and my job as your mom at the time was to not think of myself at all and to think of your well being no matter what. I wanted you, I wanted you so entirely much. I even was collecting baby items up until 6 months pregnant so that I could bring you home... but at the end of the day, my love for you over came my WANT for you. I HAD to keep you safe, even if that meant destroying myself. I love you Bennett, always have and always will. I hope one day that you will understand and forgive me. <3
I had my FaceTime visit with you on January 21st. You were with your mom and dad in the car going to Sky Zone, which is a huge trampoline place. We have one up here as well, but I've never been yet. I hope to go one day, it looks like a lot of fun. You told me all about your favorite super heroes, lol like all of them haha. You thanked me for sending you the Jake and the Neverland Pirates ship toy.. you said you had a lot of fun playing with it. You were telling me in your sweet little voice that you have soooo many friends, too many friends, in fact - that you need more Bennett's! LOL More Bennett's to handle all the friends so you can play with them all, it was so sweet. Before going to Sky Zone your parents and you were stopping at McDonald's to eat - which you call "Old McDonald's". Our call lasted about 30 mins and that's about all that we could fit into the call. I was so happy to see you and talk to you.. you also saw your brother over on this side, Noel. Although, you don't know that he is your brother... we know. We can't wait for the day that you know that we exist and that we love you so so so much. Your sister, Lailah - she thinks about you and talks about you all the time. She wonders how you are, what you're doing, if you're enjoying your day, what you're like, and she hopes all the time that she'll be able to get to know you one day. She's never met you but she misses you more than she's ever missed anyone in her life. I miss you too. And one day when Noel is old enough, he will also miss you. Because, even though you have your parents and your siblings over there, we are your family too. We feel it in our heart, our bones, and our souls. We are missing you and we feel that with our entire beings. One day, hopefully we can have you in our lives... I love you, and I truly just wanted what was best for you. I don't know if all of this is what was/is best.. I don't know anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to keep you safe from the people that were in my life at that time in 2011 and that's what I did. You have parents that love you and you are safe from the people that were in my life that could have harmed you and influenced you in a very negative unsafe way... and my job as your mom at the time was to not think of myself at all and to think of your well being no matter what. I wanted you, I wanted you so entirely much. I even was collecting baby items up until 6 months pregnant so that I could bring you home... but at the end of the day, my love for you over came my WANT for you. I HAD to keep you safe, even if that meant destroying myself. I love you Bennett, always have and always will. I hope one day that you will understand and forgive me. <3
Sunday, August 30, 2015
I got married.
Dear Bennett,
I got married this month! On the 22nd I married a man who saved my life when I met him around your 1st birthday. To tell you the truth, I was not handling your first birthday approaching very well at all. I had started visiting a party house frequently - drinking and getting high, doing crazy things, and passing out in showers/on the street. I couldn't even function throughout the day because of how depressed I was that I didn't have you. I hated myself for allowing you to be taken from me and adopted. I hated that I made that choice. I still do sometimes because it feels like torture not having you here with me where it certainly feels like you belong. I carried you within my body for 7 months, I felt every movement, every hiccup, every breath you took, and I took care of myself while pregnant with you so that you would have a great beginning to life. After you were born at 34 weeks - I even pumped breastmilk for you so that you could have the absolute best beginning that I could possibly give you. I pumped for the first 3-4 days (my memory is very foggy after I left the hospital) and I just remember your mom texting me telling me not to pump anymore and that they didn't need my milk for you - they were just going to use formula and that you should get used to that instead.
Looking back on that day I cry and cry hard because I would never have the strength of handing you over to your adoptive parents ever again as I did that day. I held you for 3 hours, I cooed at you, talked to you, cried over you, and stared at you the entire time as you switched back and forth between closing those little eyelashless eyes and glancing up at me in the most peaceful way. At one point when I first came down to the NICU nursery you were crying and crying and I walked over and spoke to you and as soon as you heard my voice you quieted and looked for me. I picked you up and you didn't make a single peep. You knew who I was and I feel like I betrayed you by allowing you to be adopted. If I ever went back in time I'd never be able to make the same choice that I had, again.
I miss you every day and no amount of times that I say that will change how my heart and soul feels. I'm literally missing you - you are missing from me.
My wedding was beautiful but it would have been even better had you been able to be there. I invited your parents, you, and your siblings but your mom had told me that you guys had started your school year and therefore couldn't attend. Even though, I doubt that would have been the way they'd have let us have our first visit. Your mom texted me on my wedding day with a text saying, "Happy Wedding!". I thanked her and sent her a couple photos, then told her I would message her in a few days. I ended up not being able to text back for about a week since I was in the hospital with viral meningitis but when I texted her I let her know why I hadn't texted as soon as I had hoped I could. I tried to make convo and ask how she was but I didn't get any response back after she told me I looked happy at the wedding. I hope that she just got caught up with you and your siblings that she was too busy to text me back. I also hope that I hear from her again soon... if not then I will be waiting another 2 weeks before reaching out to her and hoping that I can have some updated photos of you.
I miss you my little puzzle piece. <3
I got married this month! On the 22nd I married a man who saved my life when I met him around your 1st birthday. To tell you the truth, I was not handling your first birthday approaching very well at all. I had started visiting a party house frequently - drinking and getting high, doing crazy things, and passing out in showers/on the street. I couldn't even function throughout the day because of how depressed I was that I didn't have you. I hated myself for allowing you to be taken from me and adopted. I hated that I made that choice. I still do sometimes because it feels like torture not having you here with me where it certainly feels like you belong. I carried you within my body for 7 months, I felt every movement, every hiccup, every breath you took, and I took care of myself while pregnant with you so that you would have a great beginning to life. After you were born at 34 weeks - I even pumped breastmilk for you so that you could have the absolute best beginning that I could possibly give you. I pumped for the first 3-4 days (my memory is very foggy after I left the hospital) and I just remember your mom texting me telling me not to pump anymore and that they didn't need my milk for you - they were just going to use formula and that you should get used to that instead.
Looking back on that day I cry and cry hard because I would never have the strength of handing you over to your adoptive parents ever again as I did that day. I held you for 3 hours, I cooed at you, talked to you, cried over you, and stared at you the entire time as you switched back and forth between closing those little eyelashless eyes and glancing up at me in the most peaceful way. At one point when I first came down to the NICU nursery you were crying and crying and I walked over and spoke to you and as soon as you heard my voice you quieted and looked for me. I picked you up and you didn't make a single peep. You knew who I was and I feel like I betrayed you by allowing you to be adopted. If I ever went back in time I'd never be able to make the same choice that I had, again.
I miss you every day and no amount of times that I say that will change how my heart and soul feels. I'm literally missing you - you are missing from me.
My wedding was beautiful but it would have been even better had you been able to be there. I invited your parents, you, and your siblings but your mom had told me that you guys had started your school year and therefore couldn't attend. Even though, I doubt that would have been the way they'd have let us have our first visit. Your mom texted me on my wedding day with a text saying, "Happy Wedding!". I thanked her and sent her a couple photos, then told her I would message her in a few days. I ended up not being able to text back for about a week since I was in the hospital with viral meningitis but when I texted her I let her know why I hadn't texted as soon as I had hoped I could. I tried to make convo and ask how she was but I didn't get any response back after she told me I looked happy at the wedding. I hope that she just got caught up with you and your siblings that she was too busy to text me back. I also hope that I hear from her again soon... if not then I will be waiting another 2 weeks before reaching out to her and hoping that I can have some updated photos of you.
I miss you my little puzzle piece. <3
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