I still miss you.

For the past few months I've been ok. But then tonight it hit me like a large wave crashing into the shore. It shook my entire being and devoured me whole, knocking me to the ground.
I'm angry that nobody was there for me. That nobody gave me faith in my ability to parent you. I'm angry that I was so weak.
I'm sad that you aren't here for me to stare at in the way I do my other children. Stare at while the love in my heart expands beyond imaginable, overflowing my being, causing my eyes to well up in tears.
The first and last time I ever got to experience that with you was soon after you were born. I'm sad that you're not here to grow along side your siblings. That I can't watch you morph into the man you will become. It hurts. Every day it hurts. Some days, like tonight - are worse than others.
Recently it's been tolerable but the pain doesn't just go away. I miss you I'm in tears as I write this out because there's nothing I can do but to experience this pain washing over me and accept that nothing can change.