MY ELMO! Christmas FT visit.

Dear Bennett,
I got to see you yesterday. :) Your parents called me and we had a FaceTime visit ! I was happy to be able to see you right before Christmas. Although you aren't here with me I carry you in my heart and in my soul. You're a part of me and I can never move on from that or forget it. I love you and I've loved you from the moment that I laid eyes on that very first photo of you on the u/s machine. <3

I crocheted you an Elmo hat and you LOVED it !! I was so happy to see your reaction! You grabbed it and went, "ELMO!! MY Elmo!!!" Your whole face lit up and tears came to my eyes. I am so glad that I can do little things to bring you happiness and joy even though we are many miles apart.

You're still little, so after opening your gift you just wanted to run around or watch Thomas the train on your Ipad. You did build up some blocks for me and knocked them down. :) Your mom told me some stories about you - which I love hearing about. I love learning about what happens in your world.

Your mom told me about the Christmas program that you had a few nights before. You were so happy and proud to be up on that stage but you were too shy to sing. But your face was lit up and you were smiling proudly !
She also told me about how you have an Elf on the shelf that came by to watch you this month so he or she can report back to Santa!! I guess this little elf has been causing some mischief. Your mom told me that he piled up toilet paper all in the doorway to your room and you had to get a mister bear to help you knock them down ! :) She told me that you have a silly sense of humor and told her, "Bennett did that!" Even though the silly elf did. :p

Now - some heavy news. I had you a little brother last Tuesday. I've named him Noel. :)  In light of the Christmas season. He reminds me of you a lot. I hope one day you can understand that I went on to have another child or children because I had to keep living. I love you and I miss you more than you could ever possibly know and I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could be more for you. I wish so many things when it comes to you but those wishes can't come true. I can't rewind time and make things work - as much as I want to and wish I could. Time doesn't seem to work like that. Now, just because I've had Noel doesn't mean I love you any less than I did - just like I told your sister a few days ago. I love you all the same amount. I still love you and Lailah - I just love Noel too now. I will always love all of you. Every single one of you is a light in my life that helps me to be the best person I know how to be. I aim to be a better version of myself everyday because of each one of you. Please understand one day - or make the attempt.
Please know that I DO love you dear Bennett.
Now and forever always, I love you my little puzzle piece.

Dear Bennett,
Lailah and I got to see you today ! She misses you even though she hardly knows you. It's like she knows in her heart that you're a part of us. She was looking at pictures of you a week or so ago and she said, "Mommy, I wish we could live with Bennett. He's so cute and I like him." - All while whimpering about how much she loves and misses you. It broke my heart. She knows that all I wanted was the best for both of you and when you grow up I hope in my heart everyday that you will too. When we reunite I will be here with open arms - for any day or any time that you need me. I've been reading about how some adoptees feel fear upon reuniting. I mean, I'm sure it's strange - someone you hardly know loving you so entirely much. You're a huge piece to my heart and I can't imagine not loving you as much as I do. I will not pressure you but I do want you to know I will always be here for you.
So, back to the video. :p You were pricelessly adorable. Seeing your face brightens my whole week. Your voice is so comforting for me to hear, knowing you are safe, you're okay, and that you're healthy and learning ! It means the world to me to find relief by seeing you, hearing you, and watching you play. At first you sat with your parents and then you got down and you got a little worked up over not being able to find your cars for your play mat. It was too cute lol. But you quickly got over it. You found a ball and you kicked it a couple times, then ran around looking for something else to do. Then you got your Ipad and put Chuggington on - when your mom asked your what you were watching you said, "Chugg Chugg". <3 I did get a couple "Hi"'s with some waves and a "Bye" before ending the call. But you were pretty content watching your show and just wanted to say what you were asked to and continue watching lol. You don't really know who Lai and I are yet and that's okay, but we know you - we will never forget you.
Until next time my little puzzle piece.
<3 Mommy.

Got an update on you 9-11-13

Dear Bennett,
Last night I got an update on you. I texted your mom and asked if I could have some new pictures of you. She sent me some at midnight. It was so great to see how much you've grown in the past month and a half. I wish I could explain how much I've missed you but it's beyond words. Everyday I miss you so much that it hurts. Everyday you are in my thoughts and I wish well for you. I've been told that you've been learning a lot more words and that you really love books, your Ipad, and any sport that involves a ball. :) Such a handsome little boy who before I know it will be all grown up and hopefully standing in front of me. I ache for the day where I can wrap my arms around you and hold you again - even if for just a moment. I know nothing will be the same and that we won't be able to just pick up and pretend none of this happened. I really want a relationship with you. I want to get to know you and be there for you if you need me or want me. I just want to be a part of your life and be someone you feel you can count on. I am so sorry because I know that that will probably be difficult for you given our circumstance. But please do know that all I ever wanted was what was best for you, I wanted to protect you, and I have constantly loved you since the moment I first found out you were growing within me. When I first saw your heart flickering on that screen I felt completely blessed. Your name would have been Destin. If you'd have remained with me. Destin Edone (pronounced Eden). Because I felt, you were my Destined One.
I love you Bennett. More than words can describe.
Many years to go - but I'm going to keep writing and wait for the day we meet again.
<3 Your mommy.

I'm sorry.

Dear Bennett,
I haven't written you in a while. I found out shortly before your 2nd birthday that I am expecting a baby brother or sister for you and Lailah ! This may not sound like good news to you and you may very well get angry at me one day for it. I need you to know that I am in a different place than I was when I had you and that I don't have people in my ear convincing me that I can not parent and that I am not a good mother. I will admit to you that I was weak and I felt broken and that I must have allowed others to take advantage of me in that hormonal state. I WANTED you. I so badly wanted you. I couldn't even think about adoption until further along (around 6.5 months) into my pregnancy and even then I bawled my eyes out just wanting to do what I was told would be BEST for you. I love you, I have always loved you, I will continue loving you. I want to take full responsibility for the placement of you into your family, but since I am trying to heal - I can not do that. I was trapped in a position where I didn't have any other choices, I was made to feel that I didn't have any other choices. Where I was living threatened to kick us out and abandon us, your sister wasn't even living with me at the time either, I didn't have my parents support, and your natural 'father' - he was not a good guy. I felt alone, scared, hopeless, and I just wanted to protect you! You are my son and I was told that adoption was the 'best' thing, the 'perfect solution'. I let people into my head during my most vulnerable time, and I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything you may feel towards me or any anger, sadness, frustrations, whatever it is you may feel - I apologize. I never intended any pain for you if that has happened. I think of you everyday and I wish that you will grow up happy, healthy, and knowing that you are loved by so many people. At the moment my brain has shut down - emotional overload or something. I will be writing again. Until we meet again, I love you.
Love, your Mom.

2nd birthday emotions

April 14th -
At this time 2 years ago, I had been in labor for about for about 2-3 hours now. I was sitting in a hospital alone and awaiting the arrival of a beautiful little boy whom I knew I wouldn't even get to name. My mom and at the time bf Mark came about a half hour- 45 mins before I was to deliver. At 12:24 am on the 15th my son came into this reality and took his very first breath. The nurses cleaned him up, then showed him to me quickly before taking him to the NICU nursery. My mom and Mark then left me. I cried for hours alone until I fell asleep in my pain knowing that soon I would have to make the choice to allow another couple to parent and take my baby. The wound is not healed and I don't believe it ever will be. But a mother must sacrifice to do what is best for her child/children even when it is not what is best for herself, no? Some feel that the decision I made was not what was best for Bennett - but I will stay firm in my beliefs that he deserved better than what I could provide and Lailah deserved a mother who could get on her feet. I'm still not perfect but I have come a long way. I am ready for whatever obstacles come my way. I have the best people surrounding me and I am a good mother. Although, at the end of the day - only other natural first mothers will understand my pain when I say that Bennett is missed and that I love him.

April 15th -
12:24 am, April 15th. Happy birthday Bennett <3 Imy.