Dear Bennett,
God, I miss you.
The grief comes in waves and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, to be honest.
I'm due with another sibling on April 14th, the day before your birthday. It feels like it's eating me alive.
I'm struggling. I'm trying not to but it doesn't feel like much of a choice.
I wish I could know you and I wish you could know me. I wish you could meet your sister and brother - they have always known of you and they can't wait til the day when they can get to know you. They think about you and talk about you all the time, they wonder how you are, what your favorite toys and things are, if you're happy or if you're sad, they include you whenever people ask how many sisters or brothers they have - they say "Well, there's Bennett too, but he lives with another family right now." They love you so much and we all can't wait til the day when we can hopefully meet you.. me again, and them for the first time.
I wish this grief got easier but I guess it just shows how deeply and profoundly I miss you and love you.
I wish the best for you every single day and I wish I could have done more, done better in some way, and I hope that one day, you'll understand.
I love you,
<3
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Saturday, June 17, 2017
I really miss you
Dear Bennett,
I'm going through a shift of some sort.
My godfather/uncle Jack died in January and I grieved, and I grieved pretty hard.
It reminded me of the pain I felt after I went home without you. I was reminded how badly it hurts to lose someone you feel very close to.
And everything that happened that led up to your adoption came back to my emotional surface.
I cried, a lot, and then I cried some more.
I miss you and I don't believe that could or would ever change.
Your mom doesn't contact me anymore unless I contact her. And recently it's been hard for me to contact her first. It's anxiety inducing because she intimidates me, even though she is very very kind to me when we do converse. In the very beginning her and I had a bit of a rocky start... and it still scares me. And also, whenever I get pictures of you, I miss you more. I miss you so much that it hurts and there is nothing I can do.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to hurt because I didn't pull my life together, I put myself into the situation I was in when you were conceived, I was weak, and I didn't figure something out.
But idk if I even could have. I wrack my brain about it almost daily - replaying it in my head.
I honestly don't know if you staying with me would have been a good or even an ok thing for you. I was honestly trying to protect you and if I kept you with me, I don't believe I ever could have done that. Courts would have overruled me and I would have never been able to keep you safe. I wish I could have had resources at that time to do so, but I don't think they exist even in today's world - 6 years later.
I don't know if you are safe where you are now, but I hope every single day that you are. In pictures and videos you are very happy, you are outgoing, thoughtful, kind, and you are super friendly. I . hate that I had to make this extremely difficult "choice", although, it didn't feel as if I had any better "choices", leaving me with just that "choice".
I'm so scared that I could have scarred you even worse than if I had kept you. I hope that my fears just get the best of me.
If I don't contact your mom for a little while, I hope that you understand. Your mom might even cut off all contact, thinking that I've moved on or has given up on you.. but I never could.
I need time to heal me. I need time to process all the grief that I ignored back 6 years ago. I want to be the best me, I can be for you, so if we reunite I can be healthy and stable for you.
I love you, I've always loved you, and I just really want the absolute best for you in your life. I hope that you experience happiness, love, comfort, stability, and kindness through out your life.
I also hope that one day, we can meet again.
<3
I'm going through a shift of some sort.
My godfather/uncle Jack died in January and I grieved, and I grieved pretty hard.
It reminded me of the pain I felt after I went home without you. I was reminded how badly it hurts to lose someone you feel very close to.
And everything that happened that led up to your adoption came back to my emotional surface.
I cried, a lot, and then I cried some more.
I miss you and I don't believe that could or would ever change.
Your mom doesn't contact me anymore unless I contact her. And recently it's been hard for me to contact her first. It's anxiety inducing because she intimidates me, even though she is very very kind to me when we do converse. In the very beginning her and I had a bit of a rocky start... and it still scares me. And also, whenever I get pictures of you, I miss you more. I miss you so much that it hurts and there is nothing I can do.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve to hurt because I didn't pull my life together, I put myself into the situation I was in when you were conceived, I was weak, and I didn't figure something out.
But idk if I even could have. I wrack my brain about it almost daily - replaying it in my head.
I honestly don't know if you staying with me would have been a good or even an ok thing for you. I was honestly trying to protect you and if I kept you with me, I don't believe I ever could have done that. Courts would have overruled me and I would have never been able to keep you safe. I wish I could have had resources at that time to do so, but I don't think they exist even in today's world - 6 years later.
I don't know if you are safe where you are now, but I hope every single day that you are. In pictures and videos you are very happy, you are outgoing, thoughtful, kind, and you are super friendly. I . hate that I had to make this extremely difficult "choice", although, it didn't feel as if I had any better "choices", leaving me with just that "choice".
I'm so scared that I could have scarred you even worse than if I had kept you. I hope that my fears just get the best of me.
If I don't contact your mom for a little while, I hope that you understand. Your mom might even cut off all contact, thinking that I've moved on or has given up on you.. but I never could.
I need time to heal me. I need time to process all the grief that I ignored back 6 years ago. I want to be the best me, I can be for you, so if we reunite I can be healthy and stable for you.
I love you, I've always loved you, and I just really want the absolute best for you in your life. I hope that you experience happiness, love, comfort, stability, and kindness through out your life.
I also hope that one day, we can meet again.
<3
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Bit of a convo between your mom and I.
Dear Bennett,
This past month has been very interesting. I didn't hear from your mom for 6 months and then finally heard back - which I wrote about in my last letter to you.
But then on May 9th, I sent this text to your mom:
She then sent me some photos of you. I thanked her for the photos and for loving you. She replied that she does love you sooo much and always wants me to be proud of how she raises you.
I honestly don't know much about her parenting style or techniques at all. I don't know if you're parented gentle or if you're spanked, shamed, or isolated in time out. I have no idea and I feel that if I were to ask that would be an intrusion and she wouldn't respond well to it.
I often worry that your parents and I have very different parenting philosophies.
I worry getting closer to your mom and then recognizing things that don't sit with me very well and then that causing friction between us and ultimately and eventually my potential relationship with you.
I really wish to be in your life one day. I don't know if I deserve that or not or if you'll want me to be in your life one day... but it's my wish. I wish that one day we will both be at a place where we desire a relationship with one another. And I do not want to over step, I will be waiting for the day you are open to me being in your life and I will follow your lead. I love you, and all I have ever ever wanted for you was for you to have a healthy and safe life.
I don't know if I've explained in past letters.
I did not want to leave you and have you adopted.
It was not my desire.
I actually had a notebook full of baby names that I had contemplated using for you.
I had pages and pages soaked with my tears begging the universe to help me and tell me what I should do.
I felt lost.
I felt abandoned.
I was suffering through so much trauma and pain.
I lost faith in myself as a person and as a parent.
I didn't believe I could be what you needed or deserved.
I felt you deserved far more and better than what I felt capable of offering.
Many others in my life aided in me in feeling those ways.
I didn't have much support.
There's so much more to the story and one day, when you're ready and older, I will explain if you want me to.
I just hope that you know that I love you and all I've ever wanted for you is love, kindness, support, and acceptance.
<3
This past month has been very interesting. I didn't hear from your mom for 6 months and then finally heard back - which I wrote about in my last letter to you.
But then on May 9th, I sent this text to your mom:
"Hi! How are you?! I've been thinking of you all a lot. Lost two uncles recently so things have been a bit rough. I have had a lot on my mind and how one moment people can be there and then the next moment they could be gone. And that's so scary. I never want to lose any of you. If it's ok with you I'd like to chat more often and maybe form a deeper relationship. I truly love you guys and I think about you often. My family is going on a Caribbean cruise April 15, 2018. It's a loaf of fun. I was thinking maybe you'd enjoy coming too as a fun vacation, and maybe even to celebrate Bennett's bday! You obviously don't have to decide now or even at all; but I thought I would throw that out there. I miss you guys and would love to really connect. I'm sorry if this comes across as overwhelming. I don't know how else to tell you. I don't expect for you to tell Bennett anything at all. It would just be super incredible to see you all again. *hearts and a kissy blowing face* love you!"She responded:
"Hey Rachael! As long as I'm breathing, you'll always have a special place in my heart!!! I'm so sorry about the loss of your uncles. It's so hard to lose people that you love and care about. I love the idea of getting to know each other even better! I think the world of you and sometimes I let life get by without realizing how much time has gone by between chats. I'm sorry about that. I promise it is never done intentionally. We haven't told Bennett yet, but we have plant to tell him at the beginning of summer. His best friend at school is adopted, so I think it's good that they have that in common! I feel like God brought them together like he brought us together! *hearts*"
She then sent me some photos of you. I thanked her for the photos and for loving you. She replied that she does love you sooo much and always wants me to be proud of how she raises you.
I honestly don't know much about her parenting style or techniques at all. I don't know if you're parented gentle or if you're spanked, shamed, or isolated in time out. I have no idea and I feel that if I were to ask that would be an intrusion and she wouldn't respond well to it.
I often worry that your parents and I have very different parenting philosophies.
I worry getting closer to your mom and then recognizing things that don't sit with me very well and then that causing friction between us and ultimately and eventually my potential relationship with you.
I really wish to be in your life one day. I don't know if I deserve that or not or if you'll want me to be in your life one day... but it's my wish. I wish that one day we will both be at a place where we desire a relationship with one another. And I do not want to over step, I will be waiting for the day you are open to me being in your life and I will follow your lead. I love you, and all I have ever ever wanted for you was for you to have a healthy and safe life.
I don't know if I've explained in past letters.
I did not want to leave you and have you adopted.
It was not my desire.
I actually had a notebook full of baby names that I had contemplated using for you.
I had pages and pages soaked with my tears begging the universe to help me and tell me what I should do.
I felt lost.
I felt abandoned.
I was suffering through so much trauma and pain.
I lost faith in myself as a person and as a parent.
I didn't believe I could be what you needed or deserved.
I felt you deserved far more and better than what I felt capable of offering.
Many others in my life aided in me in feeling those ways.
I didn't have much support.
There's so much more to the story and one day, when you're ready and older, I will explain if you want me to.
I just hope that you know that I love you and all I've ever wanted for you is love, kindness, support, and acceptance.
<3
Monday, April 3, 2017
Your birth month
Dear Bennett,
We've entered the 6th year of your birth month. I've been trying hard to avoid thinking about this time period 6 years ago but sometimes it feels difficult. I think about you often and I think about all the incredible things I want for you in your life as if I could manifest them into your reality.
I recently heard back from your mom - after not hearing from her for 6 long months. 6 months may not seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things, but for me it felt like a very long time. During those 6 months I worried about you and your family and hoped that you were all alright. I had no way of checking or being sure that you were safe.
My brain would freak out sometimes and panic: what if you were in a car accident, a house fire, what if there were a gas leak?! How would I know?! I tried to keep myself calm and collected and just hold onto the belief that you were safe and okay.
When your mom finally reached back out to me, it was like a huge weight was lifted and I could breathe again. You're safe.
Your mom showed me some pictures of you that she took during your trip to the Football Hall of Fame in Atlanta. She told me that you had a blast and that you really enjoyed the trip. That makes my heart sing. I'm so happy to know that you're experiencing pleasant joyful times.
I miss you all the time, and so do your siblings. Lailah misses you an awful lot and she asks about you from time to time. She wishes that you lived closer so that she could know you and share experiences with you. Noel asks about you as well and he refers to you as his brother. He asks often if he can play with you and when he can meet you. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for them.
I asked your mom when you were 3 if we could meet you, but she said you didn't yet know you were adopted and she wants it to be special for everyone - including you. She told me that she would be telling you around age 5 or 6. This year is when you turn 6.
I don't know if you know you're adopted or not, I don't know when or if we will be able to reunite with you. But we miss you more than we could explain to you.
I regret that I gave up on myself as a person and as a mother. I regret that I felt so terrible about myself that I believed I couldn't be good enough for you as a mother, that you deserved better than me. I wish I had more strength at that time to have kept you with us, and not have torn our family apart. I hate that I can't go back and rewind time, I can't change anything, all I can do is be hopefully for our futures.
I hope that one day you'll want to know us and that we will be able to work everything out if that is what you too desire. We are here for you whenever you're ready and we love you.
I love you, Bennett, my little puzzle piece.
We've entered the 6th year of your birth month. I've been trying hard to avoid thinking about this time period 6 years ago but sometimes it feels difficult. I think about you often and I think about all the incredible things I want for you in your life as if I could manifest them into your reality.
I recently heard back from your mom - after not hearing from her for 6 long months. 6 months may not seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things, but for me it felt like a very long time. During those 6 months I worried about you and your family and hoped that you were all alright. I had no way of checking or being sure that you were safe.
My brain would freak out sometimes and panic: what if you were in a car accident, a house fire, what if there were a gas leak?! How would I know?! I tried to keep myself calm and collected and just hold onto the belief that you were safe and okay.
When your mom finally reached back out to me, it was like a huge weight was lifted and I could breathe again. You're safe.
Your mom showed me some pictures of you that she took during your trip to the Football Hall of Fame in Atlanta. She told me that you had a blast and that you really enjoyed the trip. That makes my heart sing. I'm so happy to know that you're experiencing pleasant joyful times.
I miss you all the time, and so do your siblings. Lailah misses you an awful lot and she asks about you from time to time. She wishes that you lived closer so that she could know you and share experiences with you. Noel asks about you as well and he refers to you as his brother. He asks often if he can play with you and when he can meet you. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for them.
I asked your mom when you were 3 if we could meet you, but she said you didn't yet know you were adopted and she wants it to be special for everyone - including you. She told me that she would be telling you around age 5 or 6. This year is when you turn 6.
I don't know if you know you're adopted or not, I don't know when or if we will be able to reunite with you. But we miss you more than we could explain to you.
I regret that I gave up on myself as a person and as a mother. I regret that I felt so terrible about myself that I believed I couldn't be good enough for you as a mother, that you deserved better than me. I wish I had more strength at that time to have kept you with us, and not have torn our family apart. I hate that I can't go back and rewind time, I can't change anything, all I can do is be hopefully for our futures.
I hope that one day you'll want to know us and that we will be able to work everything out if that is what you too desire. We are here for you whenever you're ready and we love you.
I love you, Bennett, my little puzzle piece.
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