I still miss you.

For the past few months I've been ok. But then tonight it hit me like a large wave crashing into the shore. It shook my entire being and devoured me whole, knocking me to the ground.
I'm angry that nobody was there for me. That nobody gave me faith in my ability to parent you. I'm angry that I was so weak.
I'm sad that you aren't here for me to stare at in the way I do my other children. Stare at while the love in my heart expands beyond imaginable, overflowing my being, causing my eyes to well up in tears.
The first and last time I ever got to experience that with you was soon after you were born. I'm sad that you're not here to grow along side your siblings. That I can't watch you morph into the man you will become. It hurts. Every day it hurts. Some days, like tonight - are worse than others.
Recently it's been tolerable but the pain doesn't just go away. I miss you I'm in tears as I write this out because there's nothing I can do but to experience this pain washing over me and accept that nothing can change.

I'm sorry

Dear Bennett,
I'm sorry that I hadn't sent you anything for your birthday this year, we've been struggling pretty bad financially. We got our own first apartment back in January and it's been really difficult money wise. I've been washing a lot of our clothing in the bathtub and hanging them to dry on the line I made out on the porch. We couldn't even do much for Lailah's birthday because we just can't afford it. We went to dinner and that was it. We live paycheck to paycheck. I was working but recently quit because my depression is pretty bad when I work, it's difficult for me to function properly. So Justin is working full time on over nights. It's difficult but well worth it for me to be able to stay home with Lailah and Noel. I function really well when I am not working. It's just that we are pretty poor. I hope that you understand one day. Just because I can't afford to send you a bunch of gifts doesn't mean that I don't love or care about you. I do, very very much. <3 I think about you often and I hope that you're growing and thriving well. I believe your parents are doing an exceptional job at raising and caring for you. At least I truly hope that they are.
I love you

You graduated Pre-K

Dear Bennett,
Today I woke up to text message from your mom. She sent me some photo of you fro your Pre-K graduation! I can't believe you're already almost in Kindergarten. Its crazy how fast time has gone by already. It's a strange surreal feeling really - it feels like time has gone so fast but so slowly at the same time.

I can't believe how much you look like me. You're like a mini male version of me. You and Lailah look sooo much alike too, since you both look so much like me. Thinking about it makes me feel quite emotional.
I wish I could have been there to have watched you walk that stage. Maybe one day I will be able to. Maybe high school or college I'll be allowed to be there and cheer on your accomplishments. I really hope that one day I can be there to watch you and encourage all your success. <3

I want for you to become everything your heart and most fulfilling dreams desire. I wish you so much success and happiness. I want for you to have a life that you love and that you feel is worth living. I hope that when you're an adult you find your way in this world and you find something that make you feel proud and accomplished every day of your life. <3
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it too. Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small, and each road leads you where you want to go. <3

<3 keep your head high and keep one foot in front of the other <3
 I love you

FIVE!!!

Dear Bennett, Your 5th birthday just passed by a couple days ago. On this day 5 years ago I made the last parental decision I would ever make for you, I signed a form making your parents your parents. I relinquished my rights. To this day it is still very difficult for me. It hurts so much inside that I don't have you here with us in our lives. I miss you, your sister misses you, and we mourn for you often still. I don't know if adoption was the right choice or not, at the time I felt like I couldn't be the mom you needed and I just wanted to keep you safe. I had so many people telling me over and over again that I couldn't be a good mom, that you deserved better than me, that I was already failing as a mom for your sister, and that I would be a terrible mom to keep you and try to parent you. I felt defeated and pathetic as a person. I lost faith in myself as not only a mom but a person too. I broke. I called the agency after my mom and I got in a fight. I didn't want to bring you into my life with her around and having so much control over me. I felt you didn't deserve that and that I couldn't keep you safe. I loved you always though, and I've never stopped. I don't think I ever could. I can't undo what has been done but I can write to you and let you know that I think about you often and I want what is best for you always. That you've never been forgotten. I will always be here for you when you want me to be, when you're ready one day. I contacted your mom on your birthday and I told her I wish you a wonderful birthday and a fun day. I also asked her to hug you tight for me.
I love you, forever and always.

I have always loved you, always will.

Dear Bennett,
I had my FaceTime visit with you on January 21st. You were with your mom and dad in the car going to Sky Zone, which is a huge trampoline place. We have one up here as well, but I've never been yet. I hope to go one day, it looks like a lot of fun. You told me all about your favorite super heroes, lol like all of them haha. You thanked me for sending you the Jake and the Neverland Pirates ship toy.. you said you had a lot of fun playing with it. You were telling me in your sweet little voice that you have soooo many friends, too many friends, in fact - that you need more Bennett's! LOL More Bennett's to handle all the friends so you can play with them all, it was so sweet. Before going to Sky Zone your parents and you were stopping at McDonald's to eat - which you call "Old McDonald's". Our call lasted about 30 mins and that's about all that we could fit into the call. I was so happy to see you and talk to you.. you also saw your brother over on this side, Noel. Although, you don't know that he is your brother... we know. We can't wait for the day that you know that we exist and that we love you so so so much. Your sister, Lailah - she thinks about you and talks about you all the time. She wonders how you are, what you're doing, if you're enjoying your day, what you're like, and she hopes all the time that she'll be able to get to know you one day. She's never met you but she misses you more than she's ever missed anyone in her life. I miss you too. And one day when Noel is old enough, he will also miss you. Because, even though you have your parents and your siblings over there, we are your family too. We feel it in our heart, our bones, and our souls. We are missing you and we feel that with our entire beings. One day, hopefully we can have you in our lives... I love you, and I truly just wanted what was best for you. I don't know if all of this is what was/is best.. I don't know anymore. But at the same time, I wanted to keep you safe from the people that were in my life at that time in 2011 and that's what I did. You have parents that love you and you are safe from the people that were in my life that could have harmed you and influenced you in a very negative unsafe way... and my job as your mom at the time was to not think of myself at all and to think of your well being no matter what. I wanted you, I wanted you so entirely much. I even was collecting baby items up until 6 months pregnant so that I could bring you home... but at the end of the day, my love for you over came my WANT for you. I HAD to keep you safe, even if that meant destroying myself. I love you Bennett, always have and always will. I hope one day that you will understand and forgive me. <3