I got married.

Dear Bennett,
I got married this month! On the 22nd I married a man who saved my life when I met him around your 1st birthday. To tell you the truth, I was not handling your first birthday approaching very well at all. I had started visiting a party house frequently - drinking and getting high, doing crazy things, and passing out in showers/on the street. I couldn't even function throughout the day because of how depressed I was that I didn't have you. I hated myself for allowing you to be taken from me and adopted. I hated that I made that choice. I still do sometimes because it feels like torture not having you here with me where it certainly feels like you belong. I carried you within my body for 7 months, I felt every movement, every hiccup, every breath you took, and I took care of myself while pregnant with you so that you would have a great beginning to life. After you were born at 34 weeks - I even pumped breastmilk for you so that you could have the absolute best beginning that I could possibly give you. I pumped for the first 3-4 days (my memory is very foggy after I left the hospital) and I just remember your mom texting me telling me not to pump anymore and that they didn't need my milk for you - they were just going to use formula and that you should get used to that instead.
Looking back on that day I cry and cry hard because I would never have the strength of handing you over to your adoptive parents ever again as I did that day. I held you for 3 hours, I cooed at you, talked to you, cried over you, and stared at you the entire time as you switched back and forth between closing those little eyelashless eyes and glancing up at me in the most peaceful way. At one point when I first came down to the NICU nursery you were crying and crying and I walked over and spoke to you and as soon as you heard my voice you quieted and looked for me. I picked you up and you didn't make a single peep. You knew who I was and I feel like I betrayed you by allowing you to be adopted. If I ever went back in time I'd never be able to make the same choice that I had, again.
I miss you every day and no amount of times that I say that will change how my heart and soul feels. I'm literally missing you - you are missing from me.
My wedding was beautiful but it would have been even better had you been able to be there. I invited your parents, you, and your siblings but your mom had told me that you guys had started your school year and therefore couldn't attend. Even though, I doubt that would have been the way they'd have let us have our first visit. Your mom texted me on my wedding day with a text saying, "Happy Wedding!". I thanked her and sent her a couple photos, then told her I would message her in a few days. I ended up not being able to text back for about a week since I was in the hospital with viral meningitis but when I texted her I let her know why I hadn't texted as soon as I had hoped I could. I tried to make convo and ask how she was but I didn't get any response back after she told me I looked happy at the wedding. I hope that she just got caught up with you and your siblings that she was too busy to text me back. I also hope that I hear from her again soon... if not then I will be waiting another 2 weeks before reaching out to her and hoping that I can have some updated photos of you.

I miss you my little puzzle piece. <3

Lailah misses you.

Lailah: "Mommy I miss Bennett; mommy I hope Bennett's having fun."
Me: I'm sorry baby. I miss him too. What made you think of him? Did something make you remember?
Lailah: "I remember by just making a picture. Because it just popped into my head mommy. And mommy I miss him so so so so so badly mommy and I'm sorry that you miss him too so so so so much mommy. I wish we could keep Bennett mommy. Are you okay mommy? I am crying because I miss Bennett so badly mommy. I will always love Bennett and my family so so so so so so much mommy.

Your sister is pretty affected by your absence. I never knew any of this was going to happen. Everyone told me that everything would be okay but it just isn't. We miss you a lot. We hope that you are doing well and that you are happy, every day, all the time. We love you. We think about you. <3

You've turned 4.

Dear Bennett,
Your 4th birthday just passed. This year has been especially difficult for me. I don't want to feel sad or anything negative but I do and I just can't help it. I miss you more than I could ever even begin to put into words. It's just this extremely deep rooted feeling to the core of my soul. I miss you every moment of everyday. I regret having you be adopted and it tortures me nearly every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment. I wish I had found the resources or means to have felt like I could have kept and raised you. I wish that someone would have believed in me or had faith in me to parent you. I felt like the world was against me and like the best thing I could do for you and to protect you was to allow you to be adopted. I felt like I couldn't be the mom that you deserved or give you the things in life you should have. I lost faith in myself as not only a person but as a mother - specifically your mother. I want you to also know that although I did have custody of your sister Lailah at the time that she was not living with me and that I only was getting visits with her a few times a week. It wasn't a legal thing or a battle it was just the way things were at the time. My mom (your grandmother I guess) she made me feel as if I weren't good enough to be a mother at all - to either you or Lailah. She constantly belittled me and put me down as a person and as a mother. She kept your sister while I was not permitted to live with them. She threatened to try to take custody of Lailah from me multiple times. When I had finally gotten Lailah and was caring for her on my own when she was 4 - my sister (your aunt I guess) had even called DCYF on me to spite me - in attempt to hurt me to take Lailah from me for no reason other than to hurt me. It's no excuse but I want you to have a deeper understanding of how life was for me at the time and shortly after. It took me over a year after having you to have Lailah fully in my care and even then we lived with my dad (your papa I guess). Lailah is 7 now and your little brother Noel is 1 and we are still currently living with my dad. Life isn't a cakewalk and we struggle but we're getting by. And we miss you. Lailah asks about you often and we talk and wonder about you and how you're doing. We hope things are going okay for you and that you'll have a life that you won't hate or be angry at me for. I just hope that at some point you're told how much I love you. I check in with your mom every single month. I ask how you're doing. I get pictures and your mom tells me about you and her perception on how you're doing. I really truly only wanted what was best for you, Bennett. And I felt at that time that I couldn't be that for you.
I love you, I truly do. My little puzzle piece.

Insane news.

Dear Bennett,
There is so much to catch up on. So much to say about where I am on this journey. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every single day, nearly all the time. I miss you more than I could ever tell you. I made a bold move the other day. I asked your mom if she feels I could ever visit you. I'll just post the screenshots of our convo here so that one day you can read exactly what happened for yourself.

She then sent me some pictures and a video of you rolling down a hill. You looked very happy and like you were having a blast. She told me about how you're such a boy and that when you play candy land the pieces aren't red, blue, green, and yellow but they're superman, batman, the green lantern, and robin!

So.... with this news I am feeling a lot of things. Excited, nervous, scared, and sort of sad and down. I feel excited because there is nothing more on this planet that I want more than being able to see you again and just hug you. I am feeling nervous because I don't know if this will fall through or not and I'm afraid to get my hopes up. Nervous for two reasons what if it falls through and what if it doesn't? If it does then I know it'll hurt and I'll feel disappointed - there's no escaping that. If it doesn't then that's a whole new ball game. I will be so unsure of what to do or what to say or if you'll even truly understand who I am. There's so much going on in my head about that. And sad and down because another 2/3 years is nearly double your current lifetime and so far it has been very difficult on me. I know this isn't about me but I can't stop how I feel and I can't end how endlessly I miss you. I fear that you won't understand the reasons I felt I must "choose" adoption for you. I fear that you won't accept me. I'm afraid that one day you'll hate me. But I hope everyday that you won't.
Just please know I've only ever wanted what was best for you and at the time I was convinced that I couldn't be that for you. I felt undeserving of you and like I wouldn't be able to be the mother that I wanted to be for you. I just wanted you to be safe and have everything you could ever want or need. I don't know if adoption did those things for you but what I do know is that you're loved. That they love you and care about you more than anything in the world. And I hope that continues. <3


I love you my little puzzle piece. Until next time..