Dear Bennett,
I miss you and I feel so alone in that. I feel so alone in my pain due to not having you with me. And nobody understands. I wanted what was best for you and I felt that I couldn't be that for you. I feel sorry and ashamed for calling the agency and not trying harder to find ways to keep you with me. I want to believe that you will grow up to be a very happy man in a very happy family. I want you to know how much I love you though and how much I think about you.
I often struggle with the "choice" I had to make, leaving you behind at that hospital. I wish you knew how difficult that was and still is for me. Only so maybe it would show you how much I love you and how badly I wish you could be here with me, that you were always wanted by me. And also by your big sister, Lailah.
I worry that you'll hate me, that you will feel unwanted by me and therefore never want to meet me. I fear that I will never get to embrace you in my arms ever again because you will be happy in your family and feel no need to meet me. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way - maybe these feelings I have shouldn't be here, but they are. I don't know how to get rid of them or how to stop the thoughts and wishes that fly through my head daily. I wish I didn't feel like I'm making this all about me and my pain in losing you when all I really wanted was to protect you. And as far as I know you are being that. You are being protected, loved, cherished, cared for, and given so much more than I could have given you at that time. Although, I believe deep in my heart that nobody could love you in the way I love you.
You lived within me once upon a time. I felt every little kick, squirm, and hiccup. I heard every heartbeat and watched you so intently on each ultrasound with happiness in my face. I was devastated when I felt I couldn't keep you. I let myself down and ultimately, I let you down. I'm sorry. I hope one day you will understand and forgive me.
You are loved so much Bennett, so much more than you know.
<3
Monday, June 30, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Are you like me at all?
I recently got new pictures of you but only 2 of them were just you. The rest are with friends and family. I won't post the others on here because well, I don't even know who they are.... Slide and sandbox. Looks like you're having fun. :)
I have this pinky finger thing called Camptodactyly. It's when your pinki finger or multiple fingers are bent and they are difficult to straighten on their own or they don't. I have it in both pinkies and I can't straighten them. You sister Lailah has it on one hand. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's passed down - it's a gene. So, I've been curious as to if you also have it. But I haven't received any photos yet that may suggest that you do. So, I'll continue wondering if I passed this dominant gene to you as well.
I've found this recently. This is what I would have named you had I been able to keep you. When I seen it I instantly saved it because it reminded me of you. <3
Missing you
Dear Bennett,
I've been missing you a lot often and thinking about you all the time. I have also been talking about you and the situation I was in at the time everything happened to others - which I had stopped doing for a long while.
I don't really know the reason. It could possibly be because now I have your little brother and I am experiencing everything I didn't get to experience with you and that fills me with pain, regret, sadness, and anger. I wanted you and I'm angry and sad that I felt I couldn't keep you and raise you with our family. I honestly wanted what was best for you and I felt that I definitely wasn't that.
I feel very sad when I think about you because you're not here with me. I know that the whole thing isn't about me, it's about you. But atm I don't know how or what you will feel when you're older. I don't know if you'll forgive me and try to understand me or if you'll be angry at me and hurt that I gave you up. But either way, I want to express how sorry I am. I want you to know that I love you so much and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about you and missing you.
I want to know you. I want to be able to scoop you up into my arms and hug you. I want to tickle you and hear your giggle. I want to chase you around roaring as you run around frantically giggling and hiding on me. And I know that these wants I have will never happen and it's my own fault.
I couldn't keep you though. I don't know what I could have done to keep you. Everyday I beat myself up thinking about what I could have done differently or better, how I somehow could have been able to raise you. But my head goes around in circles and all of them end at not being able to keep you, not being able to give you and your sister the life you needed and deserved. I had no job, no support, no help, no car, no money, nothing. But what I did have is love.
My heart was so filled with love for you. I took that love and I attempted to do the only thing I felt I could do to protect you, to provide for you, to ensure your health and happiness. As your mother at birth I felt it was my duty to put how I felt aside (I WANTED to keep you). I convinced myself that my wants and desires were not as important as your health and safety. I just wanted to protect you and I was told and promised that adoption would do that.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if you will be happy with that hard decision I felt I had to make. I don't know anything about the future. But what I do know is that everyday I will keep on loving you. Your siblings will grow up loving you too.
Today Lailah asked me if I would be having more babies. I told her I didn't think so. I said, Having another baby would add another person to our family, do you feel we are missing that extra person? She responded with,
And she's right. We are missing you in so many ways. We are missing you with out hearts and we are missing you with our minds - but we are also missing you physically. We miss you, and I feel we always will.
We love you Bennett
Until the future <3
I've been missing you a lot often and thinking about you all the time. I have also been talking about you and the situation I was in at the time everything happened to others - which I had stopped doing for a long while.
I don't really know the reason. It could possibly be because now I have your little brother and I am experiencing everything I didn't get to experience with you and that fills me with pain, regret, sadness, and anger. I wanted you and I'm angry and sad that I felt I couldn't keep you and raise you with our family. I honestly wanted what was best for you and I felt that I definitely wasn't that.
I feel very sad when I think about you because you're not here with me. I know that the whole thing isn't about me, it's about you. But atm I don't know how or what you will feel when you're older. I don't know if you'll forgive me and try to understand me or if you'll be angry at me and hurt that I gave you up. But either way, I want to express how sorry I am. I want you to know that I love you so much and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about you and missing you.
I want to know you. I want to be able to scoop you up into my arms and hug you. I want to tickle you and hear your giggle. I want to chase you around roaring as you run around frantically giggling and hiding on me. And I know that these wants I have will never happen and it's my own fault.
I couldn't keep you though. I don't know what I could have done to keep you. Everyday I beat myself up thinking about what I could have done differently or better, how I somehow could have been able to raise you. But my head goes around in circles and all of them end at not being able to keep you, not being able to give you and your sister the life you needed and deserved. I had no job, no support, no help, no car, no money, nothing. But what I did have is love.
My heart was so filled with love for you. I took that love and I attempted to do the only thing I felt I could do to protect you, to provide for you, to ensure your health and happiness. As your mother at birth I felt it was my duty to put how I felt aside (I WANTED to keep you). I convinced myself that my wants and desires were not as important as your health and safety. I just wanted to protect you and I was told and promised that adoption would do that.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if you will be happy with that hard decision I felt I had to make. I don't know anything about the future. But what I do know is that everyday I will keep on loving you. Your siblings will grow up loving you too.
Today Lailah asked me if I would be having more babies. I told her I didn't think so. I said, Having another baby would add another person to our family, do you feel we are missing that extra person? She responded with,
"No, I just feel like we're missing Bennett."
And she's right. We are missing you in so many ways. We are missing you with out hearts and we are missing you with our minds - but we are also missing you physically. We miss you, and I feel we always will.
We love you Bennett
Until the future <3
Monday, June 9, 2014
Reminding me of you.
Dear Bennett,
I've really been missing you lately. I don't know what's up but it's been hitting me pretty hard. The other day I was at Lailah's softball game. I was sitting on the grass watching her with Noel. A little boy, your age - 3, with blonde hair and blue eyes came to talk to me. He talked to me about dinosaurs and his dog. He was adorable. And in that moment I wanted to break down. It took all I had to smile and act like everything was ok, that I was okay. But truth is, that I wasn't. He reminded me of you and I'll never get to know the 3 yr old you. I'll never be able to talk the three yr old you about dinosaurs and pets. I'm sure your mom might tell me things you like or dislike, but I will never have those conversations with you. In that moment, I knew I had more of a relationship/friendship with this little boy who was just a stranger to me just minutes before - than I have with you. And now he's welcoming me to his house and sharing his life stories with me. My heart was breaking that I would never share these moments with you.
I gave birth to you - I was in labor for 6 hours. After having you I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out as they took you from the room and everyone else filed out, leaving me alone. I fell asleep in my tears. I get this flashback all the time at random times throughout the day. I wish I could have just shouted "Give him to me! I change my mind! I change my mind!"
I felt weak and alone. I felt scared and threatened. I so badly wanted you but I felt that was never an option. And now I hurt everyday because you're not here with me. It's unnatural for you to be out there alive somewhere, and not be here with me. It's really confusing for my mind and my body.
I love you Bennett, I always have, I still do, and I always will. <3
I've really been missing you lately. I don't know what's up but it's been hitting me pretty hard. The other day I was at Lailah's softball game. I was sitting on the grass watching her with Noel. A little boy, your age - 3, with blonde hair and blue eyes came to talk to me. He talked to me about dinosaurs and his dog. He was adorable. And in that moment I wanted to break down. It took all I had to smile and act like everything was ok, that I was okay. But truth is, that I wasn't. He reminded me of you and I'll never get to know the 3 yr old you. I'll never be able to talk the three yr old you about dinosaurs and pets. I'm sure your mom might tell me things you like or dislike, but I will never have those conversations with you. In that moment, I knew I had more of a relationship/friendship with this little boy who was just a stranger to me just minutes before - than I have with you. And now he's welcoming me to his house and sharing his life stories with me. My heart was breaking that I would never share these moments with you.
I gave birth to you - I was in labor for 6 hours. After having you I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out as they took you from the room and everyone else filed out, leaving me alone. I fell asleep in my tears. I get this flashback all the time at random times throughout the day. I wish I could have just shouted "Give him to me! I change my mind! I change my mind!"
I felt weak and alone. I felt scared and threatened. I so badly wanted you but I felt that was never an option. And now I hurt everyday because you're not here with me. It's unnatural for you to be out there alive somewhere, and not be here with me. It's really confusing for my mind and my body.
I love you Bennett, I always have, I still do, and I always will. <3
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