"anniversary"

Dear Bennett,
Around this time 3 years ago I was in labor with you. I had gotten into a small car accident that put me into preterm labor at 32 weeks with you. It was so frightening. I was scared and panicking. I went to the ER and they were pretty sure you were going to come early. I sat in the hospital room alone for hours - nobody there with me. I didn't want you to come yet. I wasn't ready for you to leave me. I didn't know what else to do. I called your future parents and they hopped on a plane to come to your birth. But you didn't come. Not yet anyways. I met your mom and your dad and I saw them as nice people. When my labor stopped your parents went back to the state where they live - where you live currently (SC) and I went back home.
With the "anniversary" so to speak of all of this and your birthday coming up, I find myself struggling. I miss you. I am so sorry for feeling as if I couldn't keep you with me, that I was a bad mom if I would have kept you, that I didn't deserve you and that you deserved much better than me. I don't know if the result is what was best or not. But I do know that you are seemingly happy and bright. I hope you stay that way. I really wish I could hug you and just hold you in my arms again - snuggle you right up next to me. My little baby boy. I feel like I've lost you - but you're still living. It's really difficult for my mind to fully comprehend and accept. I can't reverse the past and I just wish I could have you here with me - how I feel it was meant to be.
I don't know how to feel. All I know is how I do feel. And I feel sad. I feel sad that I don't have you and that you're not here with me. I am happy that you are happy but I'm sad that I wasn't the reason you're happy.
I'll get through this. And all the years in the future - I'll get through them.
I hope one day you'll want to know me and hopefully we can form a relationship in someway. I hope to one day hug you again and that we never part.
I love you Bennett <3

This months picture update:
In the picture on the right you look so much like your Uncle Brian. Oh goodness, you do !! And in the picture on the left you have a Woody doll just like I did when I was a kid!! <3

Struggling

Dear Bennett,
I've been having a rough month - your 3rd Birthday is sneaking up on me. Around this time 3 years ago I was preparing to have you at any time. About a week from now I got into a small car accident which forced me into labor and I almost had you then. But my labor was stopped by the hospital at just 32 weeks. Although, you still came a couple weeks later at just 34 weeks. I don't know why this year feels so difficult to me. I don't know why it hurts to think about you being 3. Maybe because you're no longer baby at all. You're a child. You walk, run, talk, and shout. You have a personality and you have a good sense of who you are as a human. I've missed out on those years and I know I have so many more years of missing out on. I wanted the best for you. I wanted you to be safe, happy, and perfectly well cared for. But I didn't stop to think about the mental and emotional effects that adoption could have on you. I wish I had. I don't know how you will turn out. I have no idea if you'll even want to know me. And that is scary for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to know you and maybe when you're older you'll also believe that I don't deserve to know you.