Dear Bennett,
Lailah and I got to see you today ! She misses you even though she hardly knows you. It's like she knows in her heart that you're a part of us. She was looking at pictures of you a week or so ago and she said, "Mommy, I wish we could live with Bennett. He's so cute and I like him." - All while whimpering about how much she loves and misses you. It broke my heart. She knows that all I wanted was the best for both of you and when you grow up I hope in my heart everyday that you will too. When we reunite I will be here with open arms - for any day or any time that you need me. I've been reading about how some adoptees feel fear upon reuniting. I mean, I'm sure it's strange - someone you hardly know loving you so entirely much. You're a huge piece to my heart and I can't imagine not loving you as much as I do. I will not pressure you but I do want you to know I will always be here for you.
So, back to the video. :p You were pricelessly adorable. Seeing your face brightens my whole week. Your voice is so comforting for me to hear, knowing you are safe, you're okay, and that you're healthy and learning ! It means the world to me to find relief by seeing you, hearing you, and watching you play. At first you sat with your parents and then you got down and you got a little worked up over not being able to find your cars for your play mat. It was too cute lol. But you quickly got over it. You found a ball and you kicked it a couple times, then ran around looking for something else to do. Then you got your Ipad and put Chuggington on - when your mom asked your what you were watching you said, "Chugg Chugg". <3 I did get a couple "Hi"'s with some waves and a "Bye" before ending the call. But you were pretty content watching your show and just wanted to say what you were asked to and continue watching lol. You don't really know who Lai and I are yet and that's okay, but we know you - we will never forget you.
Until next time my little puzzle piece.
<3 Mommy.

Got an update on you 9-11-13

Dear Bennett,
Last night I got an update on you. I texted your mom and asked if I could have some new pictures of you. She sent me some at midnight. It was so great to see how much you've grown in the past month and a half. I wish I could explain how much I've missed you but it's beyond words. Everyday I miss you so much that it hurts. Everyday you are in my thoughts and I wish well for you. I've been told that you've been learning a lot more words and that you really love books, your Ipad, and any sport that involves a ball. :) Such a handsome little boy who before I know it will be all grown up and hopefully standing in front of me. I ache for the day where I can wrap my arms around you and hold you again - even if for just a moment. I know nothing will be the same and that we won't be able to just pick up and pretend none of this happened. I really want a relationship with you. I want to get to know you and be there for you if you need me or want me. I just want to be a part of your life and be someone you feel you can count on. I am so sorry because I know that that will probably be difficult for you given our circumstance. But please do know that all I ever wanted was what was best for you, I wanted to protect you, and I have constantly loved you since the moment I first found out you were growing within me. When I first saw your heart flickering on that screen I felt completely blessed. Your name would have been Destin. If you'd have remained with me. Destin Edone (pronounced Eden). Because I felt, you were my Destined One.
I love you Bennett. More than words can describe.
Many years to go - but I'm going to keep writing and wait for the day we meet again.
<3 Your mommy.

I'm sorry.

Dear Bennett,
I haven't written you in a while. I found out shortly before your 2nd birthday that I am expecting a baby brother or sister for you and Lailah ! This may not sound like good news to you and you may very well get angry at me one day for it. I need you to know that I am in a different place than I was when I had you and that I don't have people in my ear convincing me that I can not parent and that I am not a good mother. I will admit to you that I was weak and I felt broken and that I must have allowed others to take advantage of me in that hormonal state. I WANTED you. I so badly wanted you. I couldn't even think about adoption until further along (around 6.5 months) into my pregnancy and even then I bawled my eyes out just wanting to do what I was told would be BEST for you. I love you, I have always loved you, I will continue loving you. I want to take full responsibility for the placement of you into your family, but since I am trying to heal - I can not do that. I was trapped in a position where I didn't have any other choices, I was made to feel that I didn't have any other choices. Where I was living threatened to kick us out and abandon us, your sister wasn't even living with me at the time either, I didn't have my parents support, and your natural 'father' - he was not a good guy. I felt alone, scared, hopeless, and I just wanted to protect you! You are my son and I was told that adoption was the 'best' thing, the 'perfect solution'. I let people into my head during my most vulnerable time, and I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything you may feel towards me or any anger, sadness, frustrations, whatever it is you may feel - I apologize. I never intended any pain for you if that has happened. I think of you everyday and I wish that you will grow up happy, healthy, and knowing that you are loved by so many people. At the moment my brain has shut down - emotional overload or something. I will be writing again. Until we meet again, I love you.
Love, your Mom.