One of my little puzzle pieces.

Dear Bennett,
I miss you. I say this all the time but it just seems I can't say it enough. I can't undo what's been done and I can't go back in time to hold you one last time. Dreams will never suffice. Everyday you're in my thoughts, every moment you're in my heart. Every second I miss you more than the second before - I never knew that to be possible before I knew you. A part of me is empty and I imagine the day you re-enter my life and I try to hold onto that warm feeling that takes my breath away and leaves tears in my eyes. Until I can hold you in my arms again.. I'll be with you in spirit and with you in love. Until that day, I'll remain incomplete. One of my little puzzle pieces, you are. ♥

You belong here.

Dear Bennett,

I miss you a lot today. There's nothing I can do to fix this. I've done the best I could and I hope one day you truly understand. I love you and always will. I hope you save a spot in your heart for me, you have a large place in mine. Nothing will cure the guilt I feel everyday. Nothing can take away the empty pained place in my heart and nothing can fill it either. You belong there. Until the future... I place a bandage over it and I claim to be okay. I'm not. I lie to everyone when I say, "I'm fine." I must be really good at playing pretend. Then again, I always have been. You will never, ever, ever be forgotten. My love for you is overwhelming.

Sincerely,
Mommy. ♥

I miss you.

Dear Bennett,

I really miss you today. I was around a lot of 1-2 year olds today and I was reminded of you so much. Even though you're so far away you're always on my mind. Your sister asks about you, you know... she doesn't really understand yet but she asks if you're okay and if you're doing well with your mommy and daddy. I love you both more than anything on this earth and every step in the positive right direction, I do it for you both. All that keeps flashing in my mind from emotion is, "I miss him so so much." I wish I could wake up everyday to your sweet smile and hear your precious laugh. I'm sorry.. for not being enough for you at the time, I'm sorry for the decision I made, even though I feel it was the best one I could have made at that time. I know, I know.. the BEST thing for a baby is to be with their mother... and I'm sorry.. I've been feeling very guilty recently, like I abandoned you... but I need you to know, I never ever intended that.. I know you're just a baby right now and you don't really know (or maybe you do, idk). But from what I know is you are a very very happy, loving, and bouncing baby.. and I am so happy that you are doing well. You mean so much to me, I love you.

<3 Mommy

Written while in the 'fog'.

Dear Bennett,
Today You are 1 year 25 days, 19 hours, and 54 mins old. But who's counting? I love you. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking of you and wondering how you are. Even though I know you're great ! One day I hope we'll reunite and that you'll be able to understand and love me back. I'm afraid of that day, honestly. I'm afraid of your thoughts towards me, but I guess that's only human. Mothers are just human too you know. :] There is nothing more I want for you than for you to follow your happy dreams wherever they take you. I really hope you have that amazing life I could have only dreamed up for you. You mean so so so so much to me. Sometimes I wonder what ifs but I know that this was the best decision I ever could have made for you. You are becoming such a big boy ! I bet you are so smart. You're so happy from what I can tell. You have the biggest, happiest face in the world in every single photo I've received ! With every photo I become increasingly proud of you and I know I will continue doing so on this journey. You're so handsome and precious. I can't imagine this any other way. You are where you are meant to be. They deserve you and you deserve them. Every coincidence pointed me in their direction. They were calling for you and I was their answer. They were calling for a sweet baby to love and nurture. I answered because I knew and I know, that you deserve so much more than what I can offer.
One day... and until then little one.
Keep smiling.

My wish - Dedication 2

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow and each road leads you where you wanna go.
And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walking til you find the window.
If it's cold outside show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything:
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to.
I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too,
Yeah this.... is my wish.
I hope you never look back but you never forget,
On the ones who love you and the place you left.
I hope you always forgive and never regret and you help somebody every chance you get.
Oh you find God's grace in every mistake and always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah more than anything :
My wish for you is this life becomes all you want it to.
Your dreams stay big your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to.
I hope you know somebody Loves you and wants the same things too,
Yeah this.... is my wish.
Yeahhhhhh. yeahhh.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all you want it to.
Your dreams stay big your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to.
I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too,
Yeah this.... is my wish.
For you, this is my wish, for you.
I hope you know somebody loves you.
May all your dreams come true.
My wish, for you.

Bennett <33 Ily. 04.15.11

One month from One

Dear Bennett,
One month from today you'll already be one. I know I wasn't there for your irst laugh, crawl, or standing, but I think about you every day. I chose life for you and I hope you'll live an amazing life with them until you're older and hope to see me as well. But for now I'll look at your photos and get updates of this growing boy. 4-15-11

Dedication

Heart beats fast, colors and promises
How to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
Watching you, stand alone. All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer.

I have died everyday, waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.
Time stands still. Beauty I know she is.
I will be brave, I will not let anything take away, what is standing in front of me.
Every breath, Every hour, has come to this.

One step closer.

I have died everyday, waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.
All along, I believed time would find you.
Time has brought your heart to me.
I have loved you, for a thousand years years, I will love you for a thousand more.

 One step closer.

One step closer.

I have died everyday waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.
All along I believed time would find you.
Time has brought your heart to me.
I have loved you, for a thousand years years, I will love you for a thousand more.