Last night, for the first time in a long time, Liz texted me out of the blue - very late at night! Which she usually has done in the past - I think so that she hopes I’m sleeping and we won’t have much conversation. It’s ok though. Look at all these pictures she sent me of my sweet boy 💖 ten years down … 8 more to go. 😠literally crying right now. Tell me he don’t look just like me!
(Pics on fb)
Dear Bennett,
I’d do anything to see you again. If I could see you, I would.
💙
Dear Bennett,
Today I’ve asked in a birthmoms group if I should tell your mom that you have another little brother. We kind of stopped talking much at all since she told me she was going to tell you you were adopted and about us but then never got back to me about it and pretended like it never happened. A year or two after that I told her I had to close the adoption to less contact throughout the year because it was too hard on me that she would often ignore my texts. Since then we’ve talked at max 3 times a year. Usually around Easter/your birthday and Christmas and I feel lucky if she responds but I don’t hold my breath over it anymore. What I really wish for - which I’ve plead for is for you to know me and your siblings - to have phone calls, and to meet you once a year - at least.
Anyways- back to telling your mom about Emrys. I don’t know what the right thing to do is but your mom has ignored my previous texts and when she has responded she’s sent me some pictures and we’ve wished each other well but that’s been the extent of it for the past couple years now. So, I’ve decided not to tell her at this time but if it comes up because texting her and being ignored really hurts emotionally and leaves me feeling like I’m bothering her, which I don’t really want to to do - be a bother. I’ve let her know that I’m here for you whenever you need me so I have to trust that one day she’ll tell you and you’ll care to know me one day.
I love you 💙
I texted your mom asking her to open the adoption - of course with no response, as usual. I really miss you and it’s killing me that I don’t know how you are. I just wish I could be in your life and know you. I’m awaiting the day until I get to know you, and I know one day you’ll look for me. I love you, always.
3-4 days ago I had a dream.
I was holding you. You were a baby. I was allowed to be in your life as I was promised, but I wasn’t allowed to tell you who or what I was to you - your first mother.
I woke up feeling sad and wanting to go back to sleep to spend more time with you.
Since then I’ve been having consistent flashbacks, memories to the moment where I was sitting in the hospital bed and real and consistent hard contractions hit. Labor started and it wasn’t just labor for me - it was the end and the beginning. Fear flooded my body and it wasn’t just fear of having to give birth. It was the fear knowing what the next couple days would bring - having to leave that hospital without my you. The scariest thing that a mother could possibly imagine. Going home empty handed.
Yet, my story is a bit different than most mothers who go home empty handed because you were alive and well. But I was young, poor, uneducated, and pressured by many others into a lifelong torture chamber called adoption.
I was “promised” for months by your mom and dad that you would grow up knowing me, I would “be like family”, and that we would have an open adoption.
It’s been 9.5 years since that day and here I am with a closed adoption. You not knowing me. Never even knowing you’re adopted.
About a month ago I found a blanket/swaddle company that I’ve been purchasing through. They’re releasing a new pattern soon - the adoption triad symbol. At first, I was very triggered and hurt by this. But now I’m thinking I’ll have one made for you and send it to your mom to give to you. Worse that’ll happen is she won’t give it to you. Best that could happen is she feels obligated to give it to you and you asks her what it means and it possibly opens our adoption ? One can dream ... right?
