Written while in the 'fog'.

Dear Bennett,
Today You are 1 year 25 days, 19 hours, and 54 mins old. But who's counting? I love you. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking of you and wondering how you are. Even though I know you're great ! One day I hope we'll reunite and that you'll be able to understand and love me back. I'm afraid of that day, honestly. I'm afraid of your thoughts towards me, but I guess that's only human. Mothers are just human too you know. :] There is nothing more I want for you than for you to follow your happy dreams wherever they take you. I really hope you have that amazing life I could have only dreamed up for you. You mean so so so so much to me. Sometimes I wonder what ifs but I know that this was the best decision I ever could have made for you. You are becoming such a big boy ! I bet you are so smart. You're so happy from what I can tell. You have the biggest, happiest face in the world in every single photo I've received ! With every photo I become increasingly proud of you and I know I will continue doing so on this journey. You're so handsome and precious. I can't imagine this any other way. You are where you are meant to be. They deserve you and you deserve them. Every coincidence pointed me in their direction. They were calling for you and I was their answer. They were calling for a sweet baby to love and nurture. I answered because I knew and I know, that you deserve so much more than what I can offer.
One day... and until then little one.
Keep smiling.

My wish - Dedication 2

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow and each road leads you where you wanna go.
And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walking til you find the window.
If it's cold outside show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything:
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to.
I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too,
Yeah this.... is my wish.
I hope you never look back but you never forget,
On the ones who love you and the place you left.
I hope you always forgive and never regret and you help somebody every chance you get.
Oh you find God's grace in every mistake and always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah more than anything :
My wish for you is this life becomes all you want it to.
Your dreams stay big your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to.
I hope you know somebody Loves you and wants the same things too,
Yeah this.... is my wish.
Yeahhhhhh. yeahhh.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all you want it to.
Your dreams stay big your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting to where you're getting to.
I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too,
Yeah this.... is my wish.
For you, this is my wish, for you.
I hope you know somebody loves you.
May all your dreams come true.
My wish, for you.

Bennett <33 Ily. 04.15.11

One month from One

Dear Bennett,
One month from today you'll already be one. I know I wasn't there for your irst laugh, crawl, or standing, but I think about you every day. I chose life for you and I hope you'll live an amazing life with them until you're older and hope to see me as well. But for now I'll look at your photos and get updates of this growing boy. 4-15-11

Dedication

Heart beats fast, colors and promises
How to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
Watching you, stand alone. All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer.

I have died everyday, waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.
Time stands still. Beauty I know she is.
I will be brave, I will not let anything take away, what is standing in front of me.
Every breath, Every hour, has come to this.

One step closer.

I have died everyday, waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.
All along, I believed time would find you.
Time has brought your heart to me.
I have loved you, for a thousand years years, I will love you for a thousand more.

 One step closer.

One step closer.

I have died everyday waiting for you.
Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I will love you for a thousand more.
All along I believed time would find you.
Time has brought your heart to me.
I have loved you, for a thousand years years, I will love you for a thousand more.

7 months old

Dear Bennett,

Today you are 7 months old. You are getting so big and you are so happy. I know that I did the best thing I could do for you. You are a brilliant little boy. I don't know a lot to say, I'm at a loss for words I guess. But, just know that I love you, I love you so much. And because of that love I hold for you, I made the decision I have. I feel no regret but I do feel a lot of pain. I feel like I'm grieving over losing you. Although you're still on this Earth, you're no longer mine. I miss you more than anything. You'll always be a part of me. <3

First letter ever

Dear Bennett,
Sorry it took me a while to write. I haven't really known what to say.
Today I've read from your mommy that you finally rolled over today by yourself. I read it on a social media site which I don't know if it'll still be around when you're older. I'm so proud of you!
Today you are 6 months old and technically 10 days until 12:24am.
You were so handsome. Exactly 5 lbs, almost as big as your sister Lailah.
I loved you so so so much and I really hope you know that. And you know what else?
I still love you, always will.
Love, your biological mom.