13th birthday - 1 year zero contact back.

The 11th of this month marks 1 year since your mom has ignored me/my texts. I think shes gotten a new number but I don't really know. You're turning 13 in a week from today, for your birthday I sent you a star named "Bennett's Wish". I do hope you recieve it. I do hope that you'll think and wonder about me and your siblings who love you and want nothing more than to know you.

12th birthday

Hi Bennett, Your 12th birthday just passed. I sent you a cable blanket that I crocheted. Lailah sent you a card and Noel sent you some pokemon cards with a card he wirjed resply hard on drawing for you - it had pokemon drawn on it. I haven't heard back from your mom about it. I wish though that you have had an icredible and happy birthday. Your mom did tell me you spent time in Fl on vacation for your birthday! I can only guess that that was super fun! Always thinking of you and hoping the best for you, love you!

A dream that led me to asking to see you - again.

 Dear Bennett, 

I had a dream again last night where I begged your mom to let you know me, be in your life, and love you. I texted her (again) begging and pleading and going ignored. 

This time was a dream but I’ve actually tried several times throughout your life to have a relationship with you and I’ve been ignored and denied every single time. 

I know that I couldn’t take care of you when you were born. I know that I was broke, single, and I didn’t have much support or even a home to bring you home to- but I still feel that I deserved you, even if it were just through an open adoption. Except that our adoption is barely semi open, you have no idea you’re adopted or even who I am, and I’m not “like family” like I was promised. Thoroughly brainwashed at the young age of 21. Brainwashed that I’d be able to be in your life and watch you grow up - not only receiving pictures 3x a year… and one video if I’m lucky. 

My husband, Justin, reminded me yesterday of one of the last times we ever FaceTimed. You were 4 and you asked if you could come over to my house. Looking back, I’m sure that’s why your mom has placed so much distance between us. Afraid you’ll choose me and she would lose you, I’m sure. 

I miss you so so much, entirely too much. More than I ever believed I could miss someone. Much of my days are spent thinking of you, and praying so hard that I could know you. Praying that I could be in your life to love you and let you know - show you, that you’ve always been loved. I guess adoption has a really hard and terrible way of showing that though so I wish I could also show you that I’m sorry. I am so so so sorry that I gave up on you, that I didn’t fight harder, that I didn’t figure out a way to keep you. Maybe if I had moved in with my dad sooner, or if I hadn’t fought with my mom, or if I asked my grandma for help. Maybe I could have kept you and maybe I could have prevented us both the pain of our separation and your siblings separation from you. 

God, I hate this. I HATE ADOPTION. 

And I hate not having YOU.

I sent your mom a text begging to know you - again. I did so because my dream led me to. I love you and I need to know you. 💖 I love you my little puzzle piece. 

We miss you

 Dear Bennett, 

I miss you. Entirely too much, probably. I wish I could be in your life. I wish I could know you. Do you know how quickly I would jump onto that opportunity if I had it? 

Your siblings miss you, they’ve never even met you, but rest assured that they know about you and they miss you. 

We would do anything to have you back in our lives but unfortunately time only moves forward, not backward. 

This is our 10th Christmas without you. And it’s killing me inside. It feels like torture. 

I love you, I miss you. And I hope and pray for the day I’ll be able to meet you and get to know the you you’ve become.

Your mom texted me

 Last night, for the first time in a long time, Liz texted me out of the blue - very late at night! Which she usually has done in the past - I think so that she hopes I’m sleeping and we won’t have much conversation. It’s ok though. Look at all these pictures she sent me of my sweet boy 💖 ten years down … 8 more to go. 😭 literally crying right now. Tell me he don’t look just like me!

(Pics on fb)

Wish I could see you.

 Dear Bennett, 

I’d do anything to see you again. If I could see you, I would. 

💙

You have another little brother

 Dear Bennett, 

Today I’ve asked in a birthmoms group if I should tell your mom that you have another little brother. We kind of stopped talking much at all since she told me she was going to tell you you were adopted and about us but then never got back to me about it and pretended like it never happened. A year or two after that I told her I had to close the adoption to less contact throughout the year because it was too hard on me that she would often ignore my texts. Since then we’ve talked at max 3 times a year. Usually around Easter/your birthday and Christmas and I feel lucky if she responds but I don’t hold my breath over it anymore. What I really wish for - which I’ve plead for is for you to know me and your siblings - to have phone calls, and to meet you once a year - at least. 

Anyways- back to telling your mom about Emrys. I don’t know what the right thing to do is but your mom has ignored my previous texts and when she has responded she’s sent me some pictures and we’ve wished each other well but that’s been the extent of it for the past couple years now. So, I’ve decided not to tell her at this time but if it comes up because texting her and being ignored really hurts emotionally and leaves me feeling like I’m bothering her, which I don’t really want to to do - be a bother. I’ve let her know that I’m here for you whenever you need me so I have to trust that one day she’ll tell you and you’ll care to know me one day. 

I love you 💙