Dear Bennett,
I had a dream again last night where I begged your mom to let you know me, be in your life, and love you. I texted her (again) begging and pleading and going ignored.
This time was a dream but I’ve actually tried several times throughout your life to have a relationship with you and I’ve been ignored and denied every single time.
I know that I couldn’t take care of you when you were born. I know that I was broke, single, and I didn’t have much support or even a home to bring you home to- but I still feel that I deserved you, even if it were just through an open adoption. Except that our adoption is barely semi open, you have no idea you’re adopted or even who I am, and I’m not “like family” like I was promised. Thoroughly brainwashed at the young age of 21. Brainwashed that I’d be able to be in your life and watch you grow up - not only receiving pictures 3x a year… and one video if I’m lucky.
My husband, Justin, reminded me yesterday of one of the last times we ever FaceTimed. You were 4 and you asked if you could come over to my house. Looking back, I’m sure that’s why your mom has placed so much distance between us. Afraid you’ll choose me and she would lose you, I’m sure.
I miss you so so much, entirely too much. More than I ever believed I could miss someone. Much of my days are spent thinking of you, and praying so hard that I could know you. Praying that I could be in your life to love you and let you know - show you, that you’ve always been loved. I guess adoption has a really hard and terrible way of showing that though so I wish I could also show you that I’m sorry. I am so so so sorry that I gave up on you, that I didn’t fight harder, that I didn’t figure out a way to keep you. Maybe if I had moved in with my dad sooner, or if I hadn’t fought with my mom, or if I asked my grandma for help. Maybe I could have kept you and maybe I could have prevented us both the pain of our separation and your siblings separation from you.
God, I hate this. I HATE ADOPTION.
And I hate not having YOU.
I sent your mom a text begging to know you - again. I did so because my dream led me to. I love you and I need to know you. 💖 I love you my little puzzle piece.
