Dear Bennett,
We've entered the 6th year of your birth month. I've been trying hard to avoid thinking about this time period 6 years ago but sometimes it feels difficult. I think about you often and I think about all the incredible things I want for you in your life as if I could manifest them into your reality.
I recently heard back from your mom - after not hearing from her for 6 long months. 6 months may not seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things, but for me it felt like a very long time. During those 6 months I worried about you and your family and hoped that you were all alright. I had no way of checking or being sure that you were safe.
My brain would freak out sometimes and panic: what if you were in a car accident, a house fire, what if there were a gas leak?! How would I know?! I tried to keep myself calm and collected and just hold onto the belief that you were safe and okay.
When your mom finally reached back out to me, it was like a huge weight was lifted and I could breathe again. You're safe.
Your mom showed me some pictures of you that she took during your trip to the Football Hall of Fame in Atlanta. She told me that you had a blast and that you really enjoyed the trip. That makes my heart sing. I'm so happy to know that you're experiencing pleasant joyful times.
I miss you all the time, and so do your siblings. Lailah misses you an awful lot and she asks about you from time to time. She wishes that you lived closer so that she could know you and share experiences with you. Noel asks about you as well and he refers to you as his brother. He asks often if he can play with you and when he can meet you. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers for them.
I asked your mom when you were 3 if we could meet you, but she said you didn't yet know you were adopted and she wants it to be special for everyone - including you. She told me that she would be telling you around age 5 or 6. This year is when you turn 6.
I don't know if you know you're adopted or not, I don't know when or if we will be able to reunite with you. But we miss you more than we could explain to you.
I regret that I gave up on myself as a person and as a mother. I regret that I felt so terrible about myself that I believed I couldn't be good enough for you as a mother, that you deserved better than me. I wish I had more strength at that time to have kept you with us, and not have torn our family apart. I hate that I can't go back and rewind time, I can't change anything, all I can do is be hopefully for our futures.
I hope that one day you'll want to know us and that we will be able to work everything out if that is what you too desire. We are here for you whenever you're ready and we love you.
I love you, Bennett, my little puzzle piece.
